He looked the same, though thinner. This was inevitable and needed to be done, and we ended up talking for about five hours about recent tragic events in my life, the kids, his possible bankruptcy and how it might affect me, his health issues, and of course my ultimate question to him: why did you cheat on me?
His answer to the last was lame at best; the old "I wasn't getting attention at home so I found it elsewhere even though I knew it was wrong; I was weak." Whatever dude. Then the holy gates of Hell were unleashed upon him. When he tried to interrupt to stop me I put my hand up and told him just don't as I earned the right to say what I needed to say and that was part of my agreement to meet with him. I went all the way back to 1994 and vented forward. We were sitting in his truck for some privacy and I was staring forward as I didn't want to look at him while I was ranting (not yelling, just quietly letting loose). When I was done, which included telling him he should have given me the courtesy of divorcing me before cheating, his excuses are bullshit because I had unhappy moments but I never once considered breaking my marriage vows and my honor and integrity were intact, I looked over at him. He had tears in his eyes and he said he was sorry. I told him he was only sorry he got caught, but he has never shown any remorse for his actions at all. I told him how much he humiliated and hurt me over the span of 20 years and that I would never forgive him. Had it been one drunken ONS, maybe, but this, never. He apologized again.
Anyway, after I finished with venting my spleen that was long overdue and we finished our conversation, he asked if he could kiss me goodbye. While I know I shouldn't have, I told him he could because I wanted to know if there were any old feelings that would surface. It wasn't for his benefit, but for my own. I felt nothing, like I was being kissed by a stranger. I was actually strangely comforted by that fact and I needed to know. Now I know. My feelings for him died years ago and they will never be resurrected.
After a very long trying day in other regards and finishing it with this, I was utterly drained. But this actually gave me a sense of closure in my own mind.
ETA: I dressed to the nines for this meeting so he would know what he threw away. He saw it and told me several times how fabulous I looked. That's right dude, you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you because I AM fabulous!
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 8:16 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]