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Boundaries Broken? Need Adivce! (I'll make it short)

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awoel88 posted 4/10/2014 22:05 PM

Okay, so one of the boundaries WS agreed to after dday was that I wanted to know about any conversations he had with women that weren't related to work. Anything on a personal level. I know that might sound crazy... but his PA and several other EA's/sexting partners he claims started out just as "normal, friendly texting and talking".

This evening he left his personal phone at home to go to the gym cause it needed to charge... I went through his texts (which I already feel so shady and guilty about).. and I found some texts between him and a woman he works with... totally harmless stuff about her and her husband looking at buying a boat, and what my husband would recommend... back and forth about preferences between brands, etc. Nothing incriminating.

But even though it's totally harmless stuff, I feel a little betrayed. He never mentioned this to me.. and I know maybe it's hard to remember every friendly exchange he has with a woman... but still, that's what I asked for.

What do I do? Confront him? Or just ignore it because it wasn't that bad? I just can't help but think that this too will escalate into sending sexual texts and pictures and possibly eventually a PA. He works with and sees this woman everyday. Could use some advice here!

jo2love posted 4/11/2014 07:17 AM

it's totally harmless stuff

In my eyes? Not really. It is harmful because a boundary was set and he broke it. Whether it's sexual or not, he broke that boundary. Please do not dismiss your feelings. I would ask him if he has been talking/texting any females (about anything) and see how he responds. Sending you strength.

annb posted 4/11/2014 07:37 AM

Yes. Your husband broke a boundary.

First, why does he have to engage in texting ANY woman? Not necessary.

Secondly, he should NOT be having ANY personal conversations with co-workers or other female. Period. He had an affair, those days should be over IMO.

My WH has not engaged in any personal conversations with female co-workers since D-Day. My boundary, and it has been nine years, and he does not have an issue with it. As a matter of fact, the only colleague phone numbers he has on his phone are men. If a woman wants to reach him, e-mail (which I still have access to).

My WH A started out the same way....with a co-worker who was at a site 3,000 miles across the country....first it was about her project, then personal conversations began, then she followed him to Phoenix on a business trip just to step into one of his training classes for a couple of hours (she was preggo), after her baby was born, the sexual innuendos started.

Nip this in the bud, and I suggest you insist on no personal conversations. JMHO.

justasinger posted 4/11/2014 09:21 AM

I'm sure I haven't gone about it the right way, But after the first A, because I did not feel she had been completely honest, I did not divulge or make it known that I had learned anything, because I did not want her to know how I learned anything, so that I could use that same avenue to learn more. Perhaps, if I had of brought things up immediately, she would have seen that I was still hurting, and mistrusting, and would not have continued her painful actions. In my case, I don't believe that's true, but yours could be completely different. I do not believe my WSO has been faithful in any of her past relationships, and don't feel she ever will be (this is from listening to things her friends have said over many years).

[This message edited by justasinger at 9:22 AM, April 11th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 4/11/2014 09:46 AM

why does he have to engage in texting ANY woman


annb's entire post IMO sums it up...especially this:

he should NOT be having ANY personal conversations with co-workers or other female. Period. He had an affair, those days should be over

AND he's not being transparent. Big fat dealbreaker of what he promised you for R.

You're minimizing it a bit because your wall is up and you don't want to get hurt. But you need to be proactive now, before this gets out of hand...and if he has boundary issues, it will.



KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 4/11/2014 10:31 AM

Has he read Not Just Friends? I mean, the title really says it all....

Anyway, I agree with others, this is a broken boundary and STOP minimizing them- you set the boundaries, "it wasn't that bad" "harmless" and "normal" don't apply with WS's.

Morhurt posted 4/11/2014 11:04 AM

It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me, in the sense that I believe in the R process being a journey and that we are both learning and changing, but it would definitely NOT be ignored.

Talk to him. Don't let it be ignored. My H had terrible boundaries (how did I not notice??) for 39 years, they did not change for the better over night, it's been a process. I feel very good about them now (almost a year in) but it's taken time for both of us to recognize the weak areas and discuss them and fine tune expectations and actions around them. Does that make sense? For example, in the beginning we both felt he still needed to be "nice" to everyone and that was hard, how do we set boundaries and maintain "nice" at all times. We've moved beyond that now, the boundaries are what is important and whether people perceive him as nice doesn't matter.

Skan posted 4/11/2014 15:22 PM

I would definitely call him on it. His response will tell you spades about where his head is at. If he's all DoOH, I blew it, then I'd be angry, but consider this a potential learning moment. If he's pissed that you looked in his phone or dismissive of breaching your boundaries, then I'd be taking a long, hard look at his actions through a microscope. Because if he'll justify breaking one boundary, then what's another to him?

PinkJeepLady posted 4/11/2014 15:41 PM

A few years ago I worked in an office where men and women sent text messages back and forth quite regularly. They were all married and frankly I thought it was strange. Now after dday, I think we both should be very careful about seemingly harmless texting/emails. Work is work period. There is no need to be that friendly with coworkers in my opinion.

I saw a text from my fwh to another male coworker about fishing or something and I told him I didn't like that either. We don't know this guy, why does he feel like he has to be buddy buddy with him? In our situation it was my fwh trying to be one of the guys (and they happened to be idiot, jack ass morons) that got him into this mess in the first place. I am glad we talked about it and he agreed that he doesn't need to be personal with any coworkers. Polite and professional of course but not personal, male or female.
Just my 2 cents for ya!

Vickeybear posted 4/11/2014 17:47 PM

It would definately raise some red flags for me!! I agree with the previous posts! Don't let love blind you like I did.

Hugs to you!

NoMorDeceit posted 4/11/2014 19:25 PM

Yes, boundaries broken. It is OK to get what you need to heal. If you need him to not talk to other women except in cases where he must and only work related matters, that is OK. I required that as a condition of R 5 years ago. Boundary still stands.

Your H has had several EAs it sounds like, and he is getting ego kibbles from her...of course he is, he offers her advice and she thanks him..he feels like "Wow what a great guy I am, she appreciates me". Sorry, no way. He is engaging in the same behavior, getting ego kibble from other women. Why is he texting with women from work at all? Is this a requirement of his job? How did he get her number or vice versa?

This is not harmless, don't act like it is... Of course you feel betrayed, again. There doesn't have to be anything incriminating in their discussions for it to be wrong for him to be doing. EAs don't have to be sexual in nature, just the fact that he once again kept this friendship and private texting relationship a secret is wrong and a betrayal. I'm sure when you confront he will say he didn't tell you because you would get upset...well duh!! He needs to figure out why risking his marriage chatting with other women is worth it to him.

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