Hello Everyone, first let me say thanks again. All of your words of wisdom have meant a great deal to me these past months. Many of you are familiar with my story. For those that are not, the full version is in my profile (very long), but here are the highlights:
- Family Of Origin (FOO), I'm not a BS or WS. I'm a BC (Betrayed Child).
- DDay I caught my mother having an affair March 1989 by reading her diary. I have all those awful details in my head.
- DDay I sat down my father and told him about the A. Needless to say it did not go well.
- Parents tried to R for next couple of years. Toxic environment ensued.
- Brother says his "quiet goodbyes" on my 21st birthday
- Brother committed suicide next day (not related to the A). I have many graphic details in my head from that weekend. Then also left with images of the cleanup and room remodeling.
- Father leaves for his secretary.
- Mother tries to throw me into middle of divorce.
- Mother never showed any remorse for any of it and displays narcissistic personality traits and depression.
- I leave for new city mother attempts suicide.
- I'm left with many personal issues that include, but not limited to: trust, relationship, anger, rejection, resentment, sadness, etc...
- Family blown apart and can point most of it back to the affair(s).
- March 15, 2014 have first meaningful talk with my father about any of it. 2nd suicide note confirmed where my brother states he is mostly committing suicide because of my mother.
- March 22, 2014 talk to my cousin about my mother and her mothers's/my aunt's part in enabling my mother's affair.
- Day of Reckoning, date TBD
Where I'm at now... After discussing with my C, she feels a confrontation with my mother would be good for me and would be one of the first steps in the healing process for me. Especially in regards to getting past my rage. The C has compared it to reading a victim statement at a sentencing. Although she has already sentenced herself. This would be a one time opportunity for me to be able to express everything that I feel I need to express to her. I'm going to start to work on a bullet pointed list of exactly what I want say to her soon.
I guess what I'm looking for here is experiences of what your confrontations were like. What are somethings that worked for you and what are somethings that did not work for you? I realize my situation is very different in that I'm confronting my mother, not a spouse, and it's 25 years later, but I can always twist some ideas to fit my situation. For example, I'm thinking of taking a page out of the MH and DS handbook of tough love:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp
After I say what I want to say, I think tough love ideas like the following are needed:
I will not tolerate dis-respect in my home.
I will not tolerate the mention of AP any longer (it's a trigger for me).
I will not tolerate you disciplining my kids
Don't mistake my kindness for forgiveness
etc....
Many of you have mentioned that maybe I should just cut my mother out of my life altogether. My C also said that she wouldn't blame me if I did. It's something I've contemplated for the last 2 months and have ultimately decided not to do that. My wife had an excellent point. I already internalize so much and have a tremendous amount of guilt that if I cut her out it will be one more large thing on top of the pile for me. However, it's very possible that she may never want to talk to me again after the DOR.
I should mention that I'm pretty sure my mother is NPD, just not sure where on that scale she is. Most NPD criteria fit her exactly. Due to that the way I see this going down is either one of two ways. It either falls on deaf ears, or more than likely she twists it all around by saying you don't love me, why would you ever say such hurtful things, blah, blah, blah. That's what she typically does and will make it all about her. Another very real concern that I have is she may attempt suicide again afterwards.
Any ideas on confrontation? Any experiences that people are willing to share?
Thanks again,
yop