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What the heck is wrong with me?

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Sleepy312 posted 4/11/2014 10:18 AM

After all the hurtful, mean things my MIL has said and done why do I even think for half a second "oh, I should invite them to lunch with us on Easter."

No, I shouldn't. I've given them enough chances, and the eff it up every time. My husband still defends them, and they are nothing but a nuisance in my life.

Why do I do this to myself? What is wrong with me?

Breezy150 posted 4/11/2014 10:36 AM

Sometimes the vision we have of family outshines logic. I am sorry, cutting out toxic family is the hardest thing to do. You take care of you and have the Easter that YOU want.

Skan posted 4/11/2014 13:49 PM

Bingo. Set some new boundaries for yourself and only associate with people who are good to and for YOU!

Lovedyoumore posted 4/11/2014 14:18 PM

You sound like me. I am generally a get over it and move on type of person. My inlaws hated me and I never understood why. I have been an excellent wife to their son, an excellent mother to their grandchildren and I was an excellent DIL. I too really wanted us to be a big happy family with great memories of holidays and birthdays. Every single time they screwed it up, made everything about them, and pushed me out. Yet, I kept trying until one day I gave myself permission to no longer give a damn.

Their toxic behavior caused us to have marriage trouble from the beginning, yet everything was my fault. My H's a FOO issues from their pathetic parenting has scarred my marriage and nearly ruined our lives.

Years ago in MC my H was told to make a decision between me or his parents. The MC said my honesty threatened their house of illusion and threatened to expose their family habit of hypocrisy. When he chose me, the MC told him to emotionally divorce his parents in order to get healthy as an adult. He did that for several years, but as they aged he let them back in. It has been a big mistake and opened our marriage to new hurt.

I would put up boundaries that you can live with and keep them sacred. Your impulse to be hospitable is commendable, but guard yourself.

Sleepy312 posted 4/11/2014 14:37 PM

Years ago in MC my H was told to make a decision between me or his parents. The MC said my honesty threatened their house of illusion and threatened to expose their family habit of hypocrisy.

This is my husband's entire problem! His family is the dysfunctional one. None of them confront anyone about anything. They all let his mother run her mouth and do as she please, so when I rocked the boat by cutting it off I was the bad person.

Now, my H went to them last weekend and admitted to cheating.I prefer not having them in my life, but my H doesn't respect that. He basically told me a few weeks ago that I had had plenty of time to get over it with his mother, and I needed to stop punishing her that she got the message.

I don't think she got the message. Just like him she's been in IC for a couple of months, and nothing is resolved in that amount of time when you are deeply flawed as they are.

I'm deeply scarred from them and other things, so it boggles my mind that I would actually consider allowing them into my personal life just to cut me down and bring their toxicity back into my life. I've told my husband multiple times that if they weren't his family they would not be a part of my life. I don't like them, and I don't think they are great people. Even if they are his family it doesn't mean they have to be in my or my children's lives.

Which brings me back around to my own question of why I can't stop myself? It's just like yesterday. I went to the store. I bought ribs for my H because he likes them and I was trying to get something for dinner that he would like.

He comes home I'd already spent an hour cooking them and and it was going to take another hour, and he was suspiciously asking why, and I simply said, I thought you'd like them. That floored him. I just don't think any of them know how to do anything out of kindness. Anything they do is conditional and what they think should be done for someone else not what someone else would enjoy.Ugh. Hating myself now.

7yrsflushed posted 4/11/2014 15:24 PM

My husband still defends them
This is a bigger problem imo. The fact that he actively will not put his immediate family first over extended family is an issue. He doesn't have to disown them but he SHOULD have a united front with his WIFE when it comes to his extended family. He married you not his mother.

My stbxww married me but ALWAYS put her elderly grandfather before me. I was actually okay with that but in the post dday world it was a sign that her priorities were jacked up not to mention the FOO issues tied to needing to be raised by adoptive grandparents in the first place. She never mentally left the house of the person that raised her. I on the other hand respectfully but resoundingly told my Mother off each and every time she tried to insert herself into the workings of my household. My immediate family was now my W and 2 children. My Mother, Father, and brother were no longer my immedaite family. I still love them, we had no issues and I would do anything for them BUT W and kids came first. My Father and Brother understood. Mom took a bit but she got it eventually. Even after DDay hit and I filed for D my Mom still respected the boundaries I set. I even told my family that stbxww will always be the Mother of their grandchildren. They can say whatever they want in private but they will respect her as the kids Mother if the kids are around. I consider that more protecting my kids though. Anyway they get it.


My point is your husband needs to decide where his priorities are. Are they with you or his Mother? One of you has to come first and per his vows it's supposed to be you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:25 PM, April 11th (Friday)]

Sleepy312 posted 4/11/2014 16:12 PM

This is a bigger problem imo. The fact that he actively will not put his immediate family first over extended family is an issue. He doesn't have to disown them but he SHOULD have a united front with his WIFE when it comes to his extended family. He married you not his mother.

I'm fully aware that is how it should be, and I've told him a hundred times that I am way down on his list. His mother is always first.It's coincidental that they are both realizing about the same time that they are both selfish assholes but they both thought so highly of themselves and thought they were almost perfect in so many ways.

I struggle daily with finding a solution to this entire situation. If I thought divorce was it then I'd have filed. I don't know what keeps me from cutting the string.

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