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Sometimes I really hate my life

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She-Ra posted 4/11/2014 10:46 AM

I would love to find a way out of this life I'm in without causing any grief for my daughter. Meaning divorce not anything else. Our marriage sucked from the beginning. I have never had a voice and always told to shut up.

I honestly wish I would have had the backbone to end it before I cheated. Confessing and attempting R has only prolonged a marriage that should never be. It disgusts me to think like that because we created a beautiful life that is truly meant to be and the only good thing that has come out of it.

The pain I'm living with each day is nearly unbearable. In order to deal, I have to be an emotional zombie and shut off my feelings. That has worked for a few months but I'm cracking. I'm crying every day when I think of my living nightmare.

It is truly horrible trying to have a marriage with my husband. He is a selfish fucking prick who is an alcoholic that likes to do whatever the hell he wants. He expects me to do everything but tell me I do nothing. And then wants me to have sex with him. Who the fuck would want to make love to an asshole who lays around all the time, treats you like shit, drinks every day, sleeps all evening and makes a big mess everywhere he goes.

When I got married I thought we would be partners in life. He failed me by treating me like shit. Instead of getting rid of his ass, I cheated. Now I look like the bad one. For fuck sakes. I hate myself over what I did.

He even had the nerve to talk about our future. Like another baby. Why would I have another baby with a useless piece of shit??

Sure leaving would be nice. I can't go to my parents. I own this house. Sigh.... I need to get a lawyer this year and maybe change the locks and get the police to stand guard. That would be the only way to get his stupid ass out. This scares me because I would want a happy co parent situation. And of course full custody and he can visit her as much as he wishes when he's sober.

I barely drink at all. I might have 2-3 beers in a week and some weeks, nothing. He needs a party girl. Not me who is working out 5-6x a week, eats super healthy and wants to make the most out of each day.

I just needed to get out this toxicity within me. I feel myself spiralling downwards with my thoughts. I have no coping mechanism. I want to get drunk but I haven't been drunk since Sept 2012. I want to smoke cigarettes. But I don't smoke. I sometimes cry thru my work outs to release it all from my system. What can I do????? I need to make it this year....

BrokenButTrying posted 4/11/2014 10:53 AM


Go and see a lawyer TOMORROW. Find out your options, get your ducks in a row and get out of there.

You cannot heal in that situation and neither can your BH. Which in turn, isn't good for your daughter. Focus on being a positive role model for her, would you want her basing all her future relationships on what she sees between you and BH?

Be strong!

painfulpast posted 4/11/2014 10:59 AM

BS responding. Just because a BS offers reconciliation does NOT mean you must reconcile. You seem extremely unhappy, and hearing you say you'd end it if not for your daughter is scary. No one, anywhere, should live such an unhappy life. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.

May I ask, why do you stay in the marriage? Do you feel you have to, since you had an A? You don't.


Mumsie posted 4/11/2014 11:46 AM

Wow, OMG...sounds like you are married to my ex husband! He was exactly the same and I responded the same as you by having an A. The verbal and emotional abuse you're experiencing is a control tactic used by bullies, and that is what your husband is! Sell the house...get out of that toxic environment as fast as you can! It's keeping your emotional health at it's lowest and right now you have to be strong for you and your daughter.
I was married for 8 years, 2 beautiful boys 14 and 11. We left the week after he put me in the hospital. It took me a while but I've been in MY house for 6 years now.
I was in your shoes She-Ra...I've never met you and I can tell you will get though this!
If you want to talk...message me...

cdnmommy posted 4/11/2014 14:24 PM

My heart hurts for you. But I think you already know that.

You have come so far since you landed here. I feel like you are just on the cusp of taking the next big step, which is realizing how truly valuable YOU are, and acting on that feeling.

I repeat: you have come SO far. This is a process for you and I truly believe that you will do what is right for you and your daughter. Maybe you are not ready to do anything more just right now, and I think as long as you are both safe that is okay. Try to be kind to yourself and acknowledge your growth, ok?


She-Ra posted 4/11/2014 16:56 PM

Thanks for replying everyone :)


I do plan on seeing a lawyer once I have some funds. I think I'm gonna cash out my investments and use some of that money for a lawyer. I also don't start work again until June so it's really hard to make moves while I'm on maternity leave benefits. I agree wholeheartedly that I cannot heal with this type of environment. I find my mind thinking of ways to escape my pain and it's all negative behavior. My IC saw my affairs as medicating the depression I was in. I have no intentions of ever cheating again for my own sanity never mind him. It did a number to my psyche.

No I don't want my daughter to witness anything and base future relationships on it. My father did not act like my husband and I don't know why I let myself get into this mess in the first place.

Painful past: I stay in this marriage as I have held onto hope. When he offered R. He wanted to make changes himself and be a better husband as his part of R. We went to MC. Things were looking up. As it turned out, he didn't want to do his work. The fact of the matter, he gets off work and then completely clears himself of any responsibility. I didn't know he would do that since he had been working out of town for the past year. He got used to a different lifestyle.. And we don't see eye to eye on it. Also yes to that question too. I feel extremely embarrassed of myself and staying in the marriage has helped keep it a secret. Up until a few weeks ago anyways. He has told friends now so I had to realize that my As being somewhat of knowledge to others is part of my consequences. My pride is already hurt. What's a bit more now. So my guilt and my pride helped me stay in this bad situation. Also a shit load of debt :( at least by the end of the year, I huge chunk will be paid off and will relieve me of a lot of financial pressure. Which has been my goal to get ducks in a row for 2014 and then make the moves. Like others have told me already, I may not be able to wait. I'm tired of feeling like I'm gonna crack and keeping things compartmentalized. I have already talked to my friends about a possible split this year. Getting prepared mentally is a huge challenge that I'm trying to face. And in the mean time hoping desperately that my BH will change his tune.

Thanks mumsie! I know I will get thru this somehow. He is definitely a bully to me in any aspect. No matter what, he finds faults in me and then picks me apart. Then gaslights me into thinking I'm too sensitive and how he can't win, then gets mad at me for being upset about how he treated me. That is total abuse. Then he pulls me back in by being sweet and nice only to repeat the cycle. I may take you up on the offer to Pm you.

Cdn mommy: thanks so much hun.

I really do try to acknowledge my changes. I mainly remember to think about my progress on the weekends. Since I don't party like I used to, my weekends are very healthy and productive. Not drunk or wasted days being hung over. Except I look at my BH and that's how he is. We are two different people now. I'm happy to hear that you think I'm on the cusp. I really do need to make that move forward.

Thanks for your support cdnmommy 😄. It is very appreciated.

I need to stop making threads like this. But if I don't, I keep it bottled too much and the pain just sits inside me. I'm gonna do some reading in divorce/separation and make a post there when I'm ready. I hope that it will be ok with the BS community there

Aubrie posted 4/11/2014 17:04 PM

Hey Girl. Been wondering how you've been doing.

Don't apologize for posting. You have to get it all out somewhere.


She-Ra posted 4/11/2014 17:38 PM

Hey Aubrie!

Thanks for the hug!! We should be talking more eh. I guess I keep being embarrassed of my situation since it sucks and end up hiding myself. It's my old way of dealing with things and it's not good. Hope things are good with you. I have read your recent post about your mother. I'm really sorry for your struggles :(

WastedTime12 posted 4/11/2014 17:52 PM

Please do not be embarrassed. Drinking the shame is on him. I lived with a true alcoholic for 5 almost 6 years. A fifth of vodka or more daily, every day. I tell you true, betrayed or wandering makes no difference. He is choosing to self medicate. No matter the reason, it is not healthy. I am betrayed. Please do not stay with an alcoholic. There is no good that can come from it. It is a vicious cycle and just as your affair had nothing to do with him, his drinking has nothing to do with you. It is all about coping skills or lack thereof. He has to want to get healthy for himself.
please take care of you and your daughter.

BTDT. It sucked!

Take a look at my tag line.

[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 5:55 PM, April 11th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 4/11/2014 17:55 PM

We should be talking more eh.
I agree.

I guess I keep being embarrassed of my situation since it sucks and end up hiding myself. It's my old way of dealing with things and it's not good.'s that working out for you? Hiding and secluding? Old habits die hard. But they can die. That's what everyone keeps telling me anyway.

We all have struggles She-ra. Don't push the help and support away. We're here for you.

Ascendant posted 4/12/2014 13:32 PM

Just because a BS offers reconciliation does NOT mean you must reconcile.
This. I've been on SI long enough now to read posts by both WS who seem like alright, non-demonic people, and BS who seem like irredeemable assholes. He offered you reconciliation, and you took his offer and tried to run with it, and it didn't work. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you gave it all that had, and he didn't, then I think you can leave a toxic marriage with a clear conscience. He tried to reconcile with a cheater, and you tried to reconcile with an of you has put in work to change, and one of you has not. WAL said it one time:
There aren't any guarantees. I've gotten lots of gifts over the years that were well-intended, but not something I actually wanted to ever own, you know? Just because [they] offer the gift of reconciliation doesn't mean [you're] obligated to receive it.
We always say that the WS choices don't say anything about the BS...well, that works lots of ways. Just because your spouse cheated doesn't mean that you're NOT an asshole.* Being cheated on doesn't canonize you...because, again, the cheating says nothing about the BS, other than the fact that their spouse chose to cheat.

If your husband is still making the choice to be a selfish person, well, then, part of your healing journey would seem to be surrounding yourself with healthy people, no?

(There's always the chance that 20 years down the line he's *still* going to be blaming you and your cheating for his continued misery and drinking to anyone willing to listen, while maintaining that your poor behaviors say nothing about him. Let him talk: I've run into enough of those guys in my job as a bartender to know that no one takes them seriously after about 2 minutes. There just aren't that many people who take the guy drunk by himself at the bar at face value, re: his sob story. After a while, you stop being "the guy whose wife cheated on him", and you just become "the guy whose wife cheated on him and wasted the next 20 years at the bottom of a bottle", even to friends and family. It's a terribly sad thing, but at the end of the day it doensn't say anything about She-Ra the person.)

You seem like you've healed enough to recognize that it's probably time to cut yourself out of a toxic situation.

*I mean the impersonal 'you' here in this paragraph, and anywhere else where it might seem like I was being pejorative towards you personally.

[This message edited by Ascendant at 2:00 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

Darkness Falls posted 4/14/2014 10:51 AM

Hey girl.

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better with your H.

I really liked Ascendant's post. I think it's wise advice.

Hope everything is great with your baby girl.

knightsbff posted 4/14/2014 11:46 AM


I think Ascendant nailed it.

You have the right to set conditions for R and to have deal breakers too. You have been working hard to be healthy and happy.

You and your baby girl deserve respect.

MissesJai posted 4/14/2014 12:21 PM

Ascendent definitely nailed it. Fuck, I'm so sorry this is your current reality, She-Ra. Look at your screen name - it, in itself, symbolizes strength. You are stronger than you think. Your baby girl needs your protection, yes, but the little girl inside YOU needs your protection too! Big hugs - you can do this. You have to.

nowiknow23 posted 4/14/2014 12:30 PM

I'm gonna do some reading in divorce/separation and make a post there when I'm ready. I hope that it will be ok with the BS community there
It is MORE than ok, She-Ra. You will be welcomed.

knightsbff posted 4/14/2014 20:32 PM

You have a PM.

DeadMumWalking posted 4/16/2014 11:21 AM


I'm so sorry for your pain.

PM sent.


She-Ra posted 4/16/2014 16:56 PM

Hi again SI peeps

Thanks so much for the support. Yes agrees ascendant did nail it. I have read his post a few times.

Hufi made a good post a while back about making big decisions. I have re-read that again. It can be very paralyzing to make moves that impact life so greatly.

What I get stuck on are the good parts to our marriage. It's like he knows when I reach a breaking point and then quickly makes changes in attempts to redeem himself. It's these times that make me cling to hope that we will and can be happy together. And then I remind myself to stop being a fool and it's a cycle repeating itself but currently on the upswing section.

I'm so afraid at failing at this more than I already have. My gut tells me to stick it out until I can stand on my own two feet with this house. Pray that another shoe won't drop. I know that's no way to live. I also know that he is supposed to start working out of town again which will make my life easier to manage.. Who would think that doing everything with the house, and going back to work soon and baby would be easier without a hubby??

I wish it wasn't so confusing. I'm grateful for the support and can hope that no one where is gonna think I'm being a coward or weak for not leaving yet.

Thanks again. I promise to keep an update

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