I honestly wish I would have had the backbone to end it before I cheated. Confessing and attempting R has only prolonged a marriage that should never be. It disgusts me to think like that because we created a beautiful life that is truly meant to be and the only good thing that has come out of it.
The pain I'm living with each day is nearly unbearable. In order to deal, I have to be an emotional zombie and shut off my feelings. That has worked for a few months but I'm cracking. I'm crying every day when I think of my living nightmare.
It is truly horrible trying to have a marriage with my husband. He is a selfish fucking prick who is an alcoholic that likes to do whatever the hell he wants. He expects me to do everything but tell me I do nothing. And then wants me to have sex with him. Who the fuck would want to make love to an asshole who lays around all the time, treats you like shit, drinks every day, sleeps all evening and makes a big mess everywhere he goes.
When I got married I thought we would be partners in life. He failed me by treating me like shit. Instead of getting rid of his ass, I cheated. Now I look like the bad one. For fuck sakes. I hate myself over what I did.
He even had the nerve to talk about our future. Like another baby. Why would I have another baby with a useless piece of shit??
Sure leaving would be nice. I can't go to my parents. I own this house. Sigh.... I need to get a lawyer this year and maybe change the locks and get the police to stand guard. That would be the only way to get his stupid ass out. This scares me because I would want a happy co parent situation. And of course full custody and he can visit her as much as he wishes when he's sober.
I barely drink at all. I might have 2-3 beers in a week and some weeks, nothing. He needs a party girl. Not me who is working out 5-6x a week, eats super healthy and wants to make the most out of each day.
I just needed to get out this toxicity within me. I feel myself spiralling downwards with my thoughts. I have no coping mechanism. I want to get drunk but I haven't been drunk since Sept 2012. I want to smoke cigarettes. But I don't smoke. I sometimes cry thru my work outs to release it all from my system. What can I do????? I need to make it this year....
Go and see a lawyer TOMORROW. Find out your options, get your ducks in a row and get out of there.
You cannot heal in that situation and neither can your BH. Which in turn, isn't good for your daughter. Focus on being a positive role model for her, would you want her basing all her future relationships on what she sees between you and BH?
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
May I ask, why do you stay in the marriage? Do you feel you have to, since you had an A? You don't.
You have come so far since you landed here. I feel like you are just on the cusp of taking the next big step, which is realizing how truly valuable YOU are, and acting on that feeling.
I repeat: you have come SO far. This is a process for you and I truly believe that you will do what is right for you and your daughter. Maybe you are not ready to do anything more just right now, and I think as long as you are both safe that is okay. Try to be kind to yourself and acknowledge your growth, ok?
I do plan on seeing a lawyer once I have some funds. I think I'm gonna cash out my investments and use some of that money for a lawyer. I also don't start work again until June so it's really hard to make moves while I'm on maternity leave benefits. I agree wholeheartedly that I cannot heal with this type of environment. I find my mind thinking of ways to escape my pain and it's all negative behavior. My IC saw my affairs as medicating the depression I was in. I have no intentions of ever cheating again for my own sanity never mind him. It did a number to my psyche.
No I don't want my daughter to witness anything and base future relationships on it. My father did not act like my husband and I don't know why I let myself get into this mess in the first place.
Painful past: I stay in this marriage as I have held onto hope. When he offered R. He wanted to make changes himself and be a better husband as his part of R. We went to MC. Things were looking up. As it turned out, he didn't want to do his work. The fact of the matter, he gets off work and then completely clears himself of any responsibility. I didn't know he would do that since he had been working out of town for the past year. He got used to a different lifestyle.. And we don't see eye to eye on it. Also yes to that question too. I feel extremely embarrassed of myself and staying in the marriage has helped keep it a secret. Up until a few weeks ago anyways. He has told friends now so I had to realize that my As being somewhat of knowledge to others is part of my consequences. My pride is already hurt. What's a bit more now. So my guilt and my pride helped me stay in this bad situation. Also a shit load of debt :( at least by the end of the year, I huge chunk will be paid off and will relieve me of a lot of financial pressure. Which has been my goal to get ducks in a row for 2014 and then make the moves. Like others have told me already, I may not be able to wait. I'm tired of feeling like I'm gonna crack and keeping things compartmentalized. I have already talked to my friends about a possible split this year. Getting prepared mentally is a huge challenge that I'm trying to face. And in the mean time hoping desperately that my BH will change his tune.
Thanks mumsie! I know I will get thru this somehow. He is definitely a bully to me in any aspect. No matter what, he finds faults in me and then picks me apart. Then gaslights me into thinking I'm too sensitive and how he can't win, then gets mad at me for being upset about how he treated me. That is total abuse. Then he pulls me back in by being sweet and nice only to repeat the cycle. I may take you up on the offer to Pm you.
Cdn mommy: thanks so much hun.
I really do try to acknowledge my changes. I mainly remember to think about my progress on the weekends. Since I don't party like I used to, my weekends are very healthy and productive. Not drunk or wasted days being hung over. Except I look at my BH and that's how he is. We are two different people now. I'm happy to hear that you think I'm on the cusp. I really do need to make that move forward.
Thanks for your support cdnmommy 😄. It is very appreciated.
I need to stop making threads like this. But if I don't, I keep it bottled too much and the pain just sits inside me. I'm gonna do some reading in divorce/separation and make a post there when I'm ready. I hope that it will be ok with the BS community there
Don't apologize for posting. You have to get it all out somewhere.
Thanks for the hug!! We should be talking more eh. I guess I keep being embarrassed of my situation since it sucks and end up hiding myself. It's my old way of dealing with things and it's not good. Hope things are good with you. I have read your recent post about your mother. I'm really sorry for your struggles :(
BTDT. It sucked!
Take a look at my tag line.
[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 5:55 PM, April 11th (Friday)]
In his quest for freedom, he set me free!
We should be talking more eh.
I guess I keep being embarrassed of my situation since it sucks and end up hiding myself. It's my old way of dealing with things and it's not good.
We all have struggles She-ra. Don't push the help and support away. We're here for you.
Just because a BS offers reconciliation does NOT mean you must reconcile.
There aren't any guarantees. I've gotten lots of gifts over the years that were well-intended, but not something I actually wanted to ever own, you know? Just because [they] offer the gift of reconciliation doesn't mean [you're] obligated to receive it.
If your husband is still making the choice to be a selfish person, well, then, part of your healing journey would seem to be surrounding yourself with healthy people, no?
(There's always the chance that 20 years down the line he's *still* going to be blaming you and your cheating for his continued misery and drinking to anyone willing to listen, while maintaining that your poor behaviors say nothing about him. Let him talk: I've run into enough of those guys in my job as a bartender to know that no one takes them seriously after about 2 minutes. There just aren't that many people who take the guy drunk by himself at the bar at face value, re: his sob story. After a while, you stop being "the guy whose wife cheated on him", and you just become "the guy whose wife cheated on him and wasted the next 20 years at the bottom of a bottle", even to friends and family. It's a terribly sad thing, but at the end of the day it doensn't say anything about She-Ra the person.)
You seem like you've healed enough to recognize that it's probably time to cut yourself out of a toxic situation.
*I mean the impersonal 'you' here in this paragraph, and anywhere else where it might seem like I was being pejorative towards you personally.
[This message edited by Ascendant at 2:00 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]
"Now I know that's contradiction, wants and needs in competition/But it's hard to stay on point with such extremes in opposition."
I'm sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better with your H.
I really liked Ascendant's post. I think it's wise advice.
Hope everything is great with your baby girl.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
I think Ascendant nailed it.
You have the right to set conditions for R and to have deal breakers too. You have been working hard to be healthy and happy.
You and your baby girl deserve respect.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I'm gonna do some reading in divorce/separation and make a post there when I'm ready. I hope that it will be ok with the BS community there
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Thanks so much for the support. Yes agrees ascendant did nail it. I have read his post a few times.
Hufi made a good post a while back about making big decisions. I have re-read that again. It can be very paralyzing to make moves that impact life so greatly.
What I get stuck on are the good parts to our marriage. It's like he knows when I reach a breaking point and then quickly makes changes in attempts to redeem himself. It's these times that make me cling to hope that we will and can be happy together. And then I remind myself to stop being a fool and it's a cycle repeating itself but currently on the upswing section.
I'm so afraid at failing at this more than I already have. My gut tells me to stick it out until I can stand on my own two feet with this house. Pray that another shoe won't drop. I know that's no way to live. I also know that he is supposed to start working out of town again which will make my life easier to manage.. Who would think that doing everything with the house, and going back to work soon and baby would be easier without a hubby??
I wish it wasn't so confusing. I'm grateful for the support and can hope that no one where is gonna think I'm being a coward or weak for not leaving yet.
Thanks again. I promise to keep an update