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User Topic: t/j Gratefulnessnof the WS
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of opinions on how the WS should be grateful for the second chance they have received.

Anyone grateful for the WS who jumped at the second chance?

I am.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'll bite. I am! I have to say, I didn't so much jump at the chance but rather, slide into it. But I know what you mean, karma.

I am happy that this person has stepped up to the plate and swings with all his heart every single day.

I have a better man. And I am a better woman/wife/mother.

I haven't read the other thread yet but will go there now. All I can say is that I KNOW my H is grateful. He tells me I am his godsend. I think that's beautiful.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 42365
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely! He is wonderful and he loves me and this whole thing happened because we drifted apart. We are stronger, better, and closer than ever. I never stopped loving him and I know that he never stopped loving me. He actually thought I didn't want him any more. Idiot.

A big part of our problem is different love languages. He is all about small acts of kindness. For instance, I mentioned needing a new shower curtain a while back and I wanted a clear one. I got home yesterday to find the most beautiful show curtain, with purple, pink, and yellow flowers blooming up from the bottom. And a matching purple towel set. It is a small thing, but he was very excited and had fun picking it out and he just knew that particular shower curtain was something that I would love. My bathroom is so happy now! He is all about sweet gestures, from coffee in the morning to small gifts to figuring out how to fix something I love and broke.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2014
♂ 41686
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am too!

BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA

Posts: 437 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, too, though I sometimes wonder if I could marry for money the 2nd time around....

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16809 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not really.

Am I pleased with and impressed with the work he has done? Very much. Grateful? I can't say that's a word I would use.

There are just some words I have an issue with in this process. Forgiveness. Choice. Stay. I guess I'll add grateful to the list.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love my FWH dearly, but I am not grateful to him for stepping up to the plate and doing the work needed. I'm happy that he did, and I love our life together, however if he had not done what he needed to do to convince me that I could begin to trust in him again, I am sure that I would have loved the life that I had without him. Perhaps its semantics, but I see grateful or gratitude as being happy that someone has done something nice for you. I'm pleased that he did the work and is continuing to dig deep, I'm thankful that we seem to have made it, but I will never be grateful to him, that he decided to do so.

As LA44 says, I have a better man, a much better man than he was. And I believe that the work I've done on myself, my insights, have made me a much better woman and a much more independent woman. I enjoy and love our life together. I'm just not ready to express gratitude about it. Maybe in time ...

Interesting discussion, thanks for the post!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10067 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering why I wasn't jumping on the "Grateful" thread bandwagon here. Thanks, Rebreather and Skan, for helping me understand my feelings about this. Although, I don't think I ever thought about it before you brought it up karma.

Yeah, I don't feel I am grateful for FWH jumping at the second chance I was giving to him. There never should have been the circumstance for me to have to give him a second chance. I am not grateful that he put me in a position to have to make a decision about whether to give him a second chance. I know I would have been devastated even more if I had given FWH a second chance and he didn't want it/take it.

OTOH, if I had wanted to reconcile/give a second chance and FWH didn't want to, maybe I would be grateful if he came around and decided he would, after all, accept the second chance?

Hhhhmmm, need to do some more pondering on this topic.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13377 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a harder time with myself giving him a 3rd chance, rather than him being grateful for that chance.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:40 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. Isn't it kind of like being grateful that your husband stabbed you in the chest bc when they operated they found a tumor???????
Nah, I am not grateful bc it should not have happened in the first place.
Hmmmm, I guess I am Still In the "angry phase"

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 41535
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am grateful. It is not because I see her as doing this to me and then working hard to fix it. I see it as her doing this to herself and then me and our relationship as collateral damage. I see it as her taking the opportunity to fix something I wish she had fixed before us, but know enough to realize she had no awareness of the full problem or its depth at the time we got into the relationship.

What I am grateful for is that the depth of her love and commitment to me is such that she is willing to take a chance at being more vulnerable with me than she has ever been with anyone in her entire life. That though it may have been easier for her to leave and do this work (or not do it at all), she recognized that I am special enough to her in our life together that it was worth the risk of showing me everything and sharing everything about the worst of what she was capable of in an effort to fix her and us together. I know that this work is difficult and painful. I'm happy to help her and me work through this in our relationship as we navigate the pain and damage it caused both of us and what it revealed about the brokenness in her.

XWS: 40
BS: 40
DS: 7
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 967 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of great opinions.

As much as I am grateful for his work now, I in no way would have taken this route if given the choice.

He had the affair and rather than run from his screw ups he chose to stand firm and fix things.

I think it takes a lot of courage to let someone look inside and see "the yucky stuff" yeah, I am grateful, thankful he was able to.

Thanks guys!

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 12

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