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mountainmomma posted 4/11/2014 12:14 PM

"Or if I wanted to f"&*^ someone I'd end it with u first" is what he said during a conversation last night  "if "it" dosnt work out" (meaning me and him). 

He went on to say that he has "no interest" in effing another woman and is committed to R and me and the kids, wants to get married and is commited to the marriage vows and would mean them deeply.  He said i was taking his above comments the wrong way when I pointed out a few things-namely

"it" is our relationship of 2 people and what we both put into it. "it" is not some mysterious being that works all by itself. 

That his comments about leaving really don't compute with marriage and commitment, nor did he say at any point that he would come to me first to
1. Communicate his unhappiness so it could be addressed 
2. Communicate he wanted to eff some other woman. 

It felt to me that if he felt those things then it's ok to just leave. 

What I heard and recieved from his comments was that his happiness in the relationship is somehow my responsibility, my responsibility to "keep" him happy. Also that if I'm not keeping him sexually satisfied that that then means it's ok to go eff someone else, this time tho hed be courteous enough to ditch me first. Cheers. 

He said that "wed be adult about it and would end amicably, sort out kid visitation and £. 

That he wouldn't want to inflict the devastation of what he did before on the kids or me and break up the family. 

"leaving for those reasons WOULD be breaking up the family and devastate the kids" I said. The irony of that seemed lost on him. 

He has said that it's a hypothetical situation he was talking about (splitting up n leaving) as he's committed blah blah, 

Maybe I'm looking at this with paranoid/wrong/unhealthy  eyes, because if course it's better to leave than to cheat, I just don't get the fact it didn't occur to him that its best to communicate issues before leaving so they could be worked on before pulling the trigger?.

We recently had a mini separation over a 10 day period about a month ago as he had lied to me regarding details of convos he was having with his employee that works for him in his business. Basically there were convos that he had been moaning about me to his worker and topics included our sex life. Needless to say I was pissed. When we were separated he has said he felt "sad" but was ok with being separated and if we remained so and or split over it then he'd be ok with that. 

To me it seems like he's not that bothered if we make it or not -if he's here with his family he's here and if he's not-well so what kind of thing. 

Which leads me to believe, feel and think (wrongly?) after all this and his twice and a bit times in the last 9 months saying he WAS going to leave (but later backtracked on) that he's just not that bothered to put the effort in to fix himself and help this R be successful. I also wonder if part of him still believes that there's some nice green grass out there still and he's biding his time. 

I just don't compute his contradictory comments about being committed, wanting marrige, not wanting to eff anyone, and cos he's working 6 days a week and providing it confirms his commitment to me and our future- verses "if I'm not happy I'll leave and if I wanted to eff someone I'll leave".
To me, someone who says this, dosnt seem to fully appreciate nor value the gift of R, because a better answer (to me) would have been something along the lines of
"if I wasn't happy/got the urge to eff someone I'd communicate that to u so we/he/i could fix it because of our marriage vows and commitment, I wouldnt want to leave you or the kids, I'm in this forever and the thought of us ending would be too much for me so of course I'd want to adress things". 

I understand he has a right to leave if he wanted, no ones holding a gun to his head, he's said many times if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't be, he has the freedom to go at any time he wants if he didn't want this. I know I do too, it just seems so wield and contradictory....

To me it seems like the same "disposable partner and family" "conflict avoidance", "passive ", "blame it on the BS" mindset is still there....

Am I looking at this all wrong?
Do I need an attitude adjustment?. 
Am I missing something?
Is he the healthier one for saying those things?
Has anyone else's WS said this?.

Apologies for the brain ramblings, I'm confused, and suspicious I'm being manipulated to a degree. 

Thanks for reading

In light
MM

oldtimer97 posted 4/11/2014 12:36 PM

I don't have the time to reply, but I just read this last night and thought you might like to a)shove it in his face or b) shove it in his nose...your choice, hehe.(Title in the link)

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2014/04/happy-marriage-depends-on-the-husbands-attitude/

Wodnships posted 4/11/2014 12:51 PM

if I'm not happy I'll leave and if I wanted to eff someone I'll leave

To me, this is a major problem in culture today. So, many people think this way. The problem is there is no way to be happy in a relationship 100% of the time. The most successful relationships are the one's who know how to work through the unhappy times to earn the happy one's.

Recently my parents were having dinner with a some other couples. Every couple at the table had been together for 30+ years and they were all talking about how they did it. After following several paths and not coming to a satisfactory answer my mother spoke up. "You know what I think it was for us? We never both wanted to get divorced at the same time." The other couples at the table quickly agreed.

There is a lot to think about in that story.

somethingremorse posted 4/11/2014 14:57 PM

The problem is there is no way to be happy in a relationship 100% of the time. The most successful relationships are the one's who know how to work through the unhappy times to earn the happy one's.

^^^ This is perfect. I am learning this (again). My IC said that happy M have unresolved issues the same way as troubled M. The difference is that in sound M, the couple work on dealing with them in a productive way.

A few months ago, we had a pipe leak that caused a big bit of ceiling to fall down. I had an aha moment. I realized that BW and I could depend on each other to take care of the house and family and each other. That is love, and a real M. Sex is not nearly as important as having a partner. While my head was up my ass, I was focused only on the things I thought were missing. Now I am remembering to focus on all that I have.

mountainmomma posted 4/16/2014 07:50 AM

Thanks for the replies

Old timer, I checked out the article, interesting, thank you.

Wodnships, thank you for your reply, what a lovely story, it is so prevalent this disposable attitude that permeates much of society today, I'm quite shocked that WS still has this mindset somewhat, after everything he says he's " learned" and "realised" and now "appreciates", to me it doesn't seem like it that much.

Something remorse
Thank you for posting, it's great to hear the perspective from a FWS. I'm really happy that you see this and are relearning it as you say.
A question-do you feel that your A kind of "wiped out" various healthy thinking patterns you had prior to the A, and as you say you now have to learn them again. I ask because I still feel that WS has some leftover A mindset that, because it became the norm whilst he was cheating has remained somewhat, since coming home. I'm guessing here that because parts of the the A mindset became so "normal"? That one has to "un normal it" and become "normal-normal" again?

Hope this makes sense.

Thank you all for your replies it means a lot
MM