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struggle in the bedroom with BH

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journey7 posted 4/11/2014 12:22 PM

I am recovering from a LTA. One of the main things I am struggling with is the loss of the sexual relationship. I truly love my husband, but I know that he can not meet my needs. Often when we are in bed, it is very nice and loving. Other times, I only want to scream, and have to go to take a shower afterward so that I can hide and cry.

I can't stop thinking about the OM when I have sex. I can't stop wishing my H would do all the things that OM used to do. The chemistry is just not there. It breaks my heart, because I WANT to feel it for him. Most of the other parts of our marriage are good, but some days I think I just need to leave, because he deserves better. And if I stay, I feel like I must give up and let go of the needs that I have sexually.

Don't really think anyone can give advice on this. Just wanted to be heard. I am in IC, but this hopelessness just seems to get worse every day.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/11/2014 13:08 PM

Welcome to SI. Sometimes we want advice, sometimes we get it even when we don't ask for it, and sometimes we just need to vent. If you didn't want any input whatsoever, I reckon you wouldn't have posted this.

Can you fill us in on a few pertinent details? When, and how/why did the LTA end? Does BH know?

What I've come to understand, and hopefully your IC is helping you with this, is that affair sex was like a drug. What AP and I had was, as you said, "chemistry," quite literally. AP was not a special or magical person. He was, I believe, an experienced cheater (and possibly psychopath) who knew which buttons to push, in order to give me that chemical rush and, therefore, get me "high" (and hooked) on him.

I can't stop thinking about the OM when I have sex.

Gently, my cheating sister, you can. You just don't want to. When you're feeling down, does thinking of AP make you happy? If so, that's the drug talking. Detoxing from AP was very difficult for me, and many WS can relate to that, it's a frequent topic on SI. So long as you give AP mind space, you're going to stay addicted.

If you want to stay M, you're probably going to need to kick the "fantasizing about AP" habit. After you get through withdrawal, many of your negative feelings toward your BH may begin to dissipate.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 8:33 PM, April 11th, 2014 (Friday)]

JKL Vikings posted 4/11/2014 13:09 PM

Hi journey. You are heard. I see your registration date as being this month. How far out from D-day are you? I don't know your situation. But I od know a couple of things. The affair and affair partner are not based in reality. Maybe sex with the OM was bed-breaking, earth-moving, mind-blowing sex. You and OM had all the "fun" and none of the work in a real relationship. I am glad that you are in IC. A BS, for a LONG TIME after D-day, is going to have doubts and fears when you touch them. "Am I enough?" "Will he/she stay home tonight?" You said you can't stop thinking about the OM when you and your H have sex. Have you told him this? While OM is still in your bed(he's not physically, but he's very much there)then your H has no chance to meet your needs. Try talking to him about them. It seems you are still pining for the OM. Until that issue gets resolved, your reconciliation has no chance. There can't be three in a marriage. Do some soul-searching. Decide if you want to take a flier on OM or work thru with your H. If you choose #2, it will be the fight of your life. Be prepared to go all-in. Or let him go. Best of luck in your journey. Holler at or PM me anytime

Aubrie posted 4/11/2014 16:38 PM

Curious. When did you decide your husband had sexual inadequacies? Before you got married, during, or after you cheated?

familyfirst posted 4/11/2014 16:42 PM

It sounds to me like you ended the PA, but are still carrying on with OM's ghost in your mind. Letting go of that is equally difficult. Look for a post on Indifference from HUFI, it's helpful. Quitting the A is just the first step.

I read somewhere on here that sex during an A is like heroin. Over the top exciting, pleasurable, addictive and ultimately destructive. Detoxing is painful, but it will improve over time. I'm worried that you say your H

can not meet my needs
if that's true, you probably will not stay 'recovering' for long. Your H might sense your dissatisfaction, which makes me sad for him. And I'm also sad that you want to hide and cry in your shower. I'm reminded of another post by HUFI about "Making the hard decision". Basically my advice for you is to look for all of HUFI's posts. Good luck

journey7 posted 4/11/2014 18:19 PM

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate the feedback. I am a very private person, and posting here is probably not best for me. There are too many details and complications that I am not willing to share. My IC says to not compare my situation to the whole world, but to look at myself and my needs, and I should listen to him.

Just one comment - I never said my husband has "sexual inadequacies." And it isn't about addiction from the A either. I just have a certain sexual preference that I wish could be met. The personality traits that my H and I have just make it quite difficult to be compatible.

Thanks again and best of luck to everyone.

[This message edited by journey7 at 6:25 PM, April 11th (Friday)]

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