I am sorry, I cannot help with your question.
I wanted you to know that whatever you decide, wherever you post, we support you.
Although I never wanted to S/D in my gut, I understand the worry of making the wrong choice.
Follow your heart and keep your needs in front of you.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:35 PM, April 11th (Friday)]
I still don't know if we will stay married and be a success story. But I do love him. I'm not a victim anymore. I'm here by choice. And he is still fighting. He is barring his soul and digging deep and giving it his all. He tells me even if I can't stay he will still fight. And that is slowly becoming enough. Will it ever 'be enough'. I don't know but I'm making my peace with that. That answer wasn't good enough for me 6 months ago. But I see now what all the veterans say when they say time is the four letter word. Had I made my decision 6 months ago, I think it would have been the wrong one.
I know exactly how you feel. While I am only about 5 months in since DDay I have to say that I am fighting with myself every single day not to end our marriage. There are moments (very brief) that I think, ok I can do this. But, then reality sets in, I start thinking about everything and I know down in my very soul I cannot stay with him. I don't love him anymore. I really don't. The depth of this pain has killed anything and everything I feel for him. Actually, the only things I feel for him are contempt and hate. It drives every thought in my head.
I'm not really sure what keeps me from pulling the plug. Probably some fear just because it means such a huge change to my life. But, I would rather have those big changes than live every day with the hurt and anger. As long as I stay with him I know I will be hurt and angry - along with a million other feelings. I can't live every day looking at him, knowing what he did, the choices he made repeatedly to betray me. That knowledge eats at me like a cancer.
We've been doing nothing but fighting this last month - seriously heated arguments. There are moments of peace but anytime we try to sit down and talk about anything it just turns into a huge fight. I don't want to live like this. I'm 53 years old and hopefully have some time left in my life. I don't want to spend years trying to "fix" this mess he created. 2-5 years for recovery???? WTF???? I applaud anyone who can hang in there for that amount of time - I really do. But, I know in my heart I will never forget this and it will take forever to forgive it.
He keeps asking me to forgive him....begging....pleading...saying, "I will never hurt you again. I promise." And all I want to say is, "You should never have hurt me like this period." Why in the fuck (pardon me but anger is setting in) does he believe that I am supposed to forgive this and trust him again? Why can he not see that it isn't enough to say or even prove for that matter that he won't do it again? He already did it!!! The damage is done. The trust is destroyed. The sense of betrayal is almost suffocating. How in the world does anyone get through that and stay in the marriage?
I keep asking him, "Tell me why I should want to stay in this marriage and try to "fix" it after everything you did?" He just says because he loves me, we had 18 wonderful years together (his words), we are sealed in the temple (religious ceremony), and I know we can have that again." Well where the hell were those thoughts when he decided to cheat?
Seriously, WTF is wrong with these people who cheat????????
Ok, off my rant now. Sorry! I am just so hurt and angry. I don't know how to move past it other than just bail out of this damned nightmare.
[This message edited by JT4588 at 2:30 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]
I'm 10 months out and it is still hard on a daily basis. Some days I have a feeling of peace and I think I can get through this. The next day I am fed up and looking at housing for me and my kids and reading S/D on SI.
By bouncing back and forth so frequently, I don't have a clear picture of the future. We are taking a year to work on ourselves with the marriage being second priority. It seems to work for me, because I don't have pressure to make a decision and I don't have to try and be a good wife.
This crap is hard and I remember someone using the status "not divorcing" and that seems to be apt most days.
I just hope that when we know what our future is, we really know it in our head, heart, and gut.
Sending you strength.
I'm 3.5 years out. I know it was a deal breaker for me, and I hurt most every day. I tell him I am done, and I argue with him at least a couple times a month...not about us healing, but it's more me trying to get him to understand my feelings. I know my feelings for him....I am not in love with him. I care for him and I love him as a person/friend, but not as a husband. Though I talk about us moving into a bigger house and other things that normally come with staying in a marriage, he knows that I am only in it for the kids and because I can't support myself much less myself and two kids. I will keep my vows as far as not going outside the marriage, but I cannot keep my vows to honor him or respect him. He does not respect me. I fully intend on one day living on my own but that will be once the kids are grown.
We are house mates...that is it. We are not intimate in any way, though he says he loves me. We have been intimate in the past, but I will no longer disrespect myself by satisfying him and degrading myself.
I know it's over and I know he knows it is over (though he won't say it). He knows what I needed to heal and he made little effort to help me heal. And that hurts more than the EA.
With that being said, I felt this way for a long, long time. It's been almost 4 years, and I'm just now getting to the point that I like my husband again (and that's not even all the time). For years, probably 3 years, I couldn't stand him most of the time. To the point that I didn't want anything to do with him! However, I made the decision early on that I was committed to my marriage, and would not consider divorce unless he cheated on me again. While not openly remorseful (he's very unemotional), he did do everything I asked of him, and has been completely transparent, honest, etc. I've never had any reason to question his fidelity... And it still took four years to feel optimistic about my marriage.