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love him less and less

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deena04 posted 4/11/2014 13:24 PM

I know you are told to focus on not divorcing for about one year or better. I have really struggled up and down. I am finding that, even with remorse and good actions, I just can't deal with it. I love him less and less to the point where I don't think I love him at all now. My gut told me to leave the second I found out, but stayed because we had married and he begged me to stay. I thought I would give it a shot for us and the kids. Now we are expecting, too. I have shoved both feet over to the separation side now. I just can't do it. I don't want to be his wife anymore. I want peace and happiness and know in my heart I won't find it with him. Therefore, I am planning on telling him I want to separate and file for D. In our state, it's 90 days til finalization bare minimum. It will probably take longer, though, unless everything is easy-peasy and cut and dry. I hate to switch to the S/D forum because this forum has become like "home" to me here, but I probably will. I just don't see any way we can R because I am too tired and done to do so. My question is has anyone felt that firm on D and ended up R? Or has anyone tried R when 100 percent sure they should D and regretted or not regretted it? I figure I will ask him to do an in-house separation at least for a while and file. If he chooses to leave, so be it. I really don't care at this point.

karmahappens posted 4/11/2014 13:35 PM

Hey :)

I am sorry, I cannot help with your question.

I wanted you to know that whatever you decide, wherever you post, we support you.

Although I never wanted to S/D in my gut, I understand the worry of making the wrong choice.

Follow your heart and keep your needs in front of you.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:35 PM, April 11th (Friday)]

deena04 posted 4/11/2014 19:02 PM

Thanks; I have a deep sadness at the end of us, but I think it's more sadness at the love I had and the life I thought we had. I cannot accept this "new us" even though I have wanted to. It's almost like I was forcing myself to R. The peace I am finding is in detaching and having my own life. I don't feel love really anymore for him, and I kind of want out before I go nuts. Who knows; this could change tomorrow, but filing might be my only way of really knowing how to go on.

PinkJeepLady posted 4/11/2014 21:15 PM

You have to follow your heart! I know it is sad, do deeply sad. Make a plan on how to deal with the sadness you feel so you can keep moving through it.
Focus on taking care of yourself! Just take it one day at a time. I am sending you strength!
(((deena04))) Bless your heart! Congrats on expecting, a new baby is wonderful, no matter what!

Lostinthismess posted 4/11/2014 21:47 PM

At about 5-6 months I was sure I didn't love him. He was scum and I was staying for the kids and because we just bought a new house that I couldn't pay for by myself. And I made sure he knew that fact. And oddly enough we still had good days. We still 'got along' minus the whole affair crap. Then he deployed and with him gone the anger exploded. I knew I could live without him, he didn't deserve me, i could do better. I called a lawyer. I never went to the appointment. I think that was the breaking down of me. I felt so trapped, so wronged, tricked. The whole situation was impossible. He kept fighting. I kept working on me and not giving two shits about him. I started really soul searching who I wanted to be.

I still don't know if we will stay married and be a success story. But I do love him. I'm not a victim anymore. I'm here by choice. And he is still fighting. He is barring his soul and digging deep and giving it his all. He tells me even if I can't stay he will still fight. And that is slowly becoming enough. Will it ever 'be enough'. I don't know but I'm making my peace with that. That answer wasn't good enough for me 6 months ago. But I see now what all the veterans say when they say time is the four letter word. Had I made my decision 6 months ago, I think it would have been the wrong one.

deena04 posted 4/12/2014 07:31 AM

We woke up arguing. He told me he's doing everything he can. I told him he should have thought of that before he did this. I care about him, but love...not anymore. We had a time about a month ago where I truly thought we could survive this because I saw how broken he was, but it's me. I just can't let it go. I want to be able to tell my kids my husband was faithful. I know it sounds bad, but we absolutely do not get along more than we do anymore. It didn't used to be like this. I am getting my ducks in a row so I can be ok. I want to be happy and need my kids to be happy. This is not happy! I think what I recently thought was love was more likely pity for him because he is shattered, but it's too late.

deena04 posted 4/12/2014 13:46 PM

Thank you for the insight. I won't file yet just in case I change my mind (emotions plus raging pg hormones=ugly, ugly twisted me). I don't know how to love him anymore...does that make any sense? I want to and do want to R (or part of me does), but feel it's hopeless and bullshit at this point. I told him I want to separate and see. Stay in the same house for financial reasons and kid reasons for now, but go from there. He wants to take me to dinner and try a "date night" instead. We haven't had many of those with the kids and work schedules and such. He's off this weekend (first full weekend off in 12 weeks) and wants to focus on us and see if we can enjoy each other. I really don't mean to bop up and down like a yo-yo, but crap this sucks! I will go to dinner and go with a clear head. We can have fun; we just don't have time for it. Maybe that's our problem.

JT4588 posted 4/12/2014 14:26 PM

deena04,

I know exactly how you feel. While I am only about 5 months in since DDay I have to say that I am fighting with myself every single day not to end our marriage. There are moments (very brief) that I think, ok I can do this. But, then reality sets in, I start thinking about everything and I know down in my very soul I cannot stay with him. I don't love him anymore. I really don't. The depth of this pain has killed anything and everything I feel for him. Actually, the only things I feel for him are contempt and hate. It drives every thought in my head.

I'm not really sure what keeps me from pulling the plug. Probably some fear just because it means such a huge change to my life. But, I would rather have those big changes than live every day with the hurt and anger. As long as I stay with him I know I will be hurt and angry - along with a million other feelings. I can't live every day looking at him, knowing what he did, the choices he made repeatedly to betray me. That knowledge eats at me like a cancer.

We've been doing nothing but fighting this last month - seriously heated arguments. There are moments of peace but anytime we try to sit down and talk about anything it just turns into a huge fight. I don't want to live like this. I'm 53 years old and hopefully have some time left in my life. I don't want to spend years trying to "fix" this mess he created. 2-5 years for recovery???? WTF???? I applaud anyone who can hang in there for that amount of time - I really do. But, I know in my heart I will never forget this and it will take forever to forgive it.

He keeps asking me to forgive him....begging....pleading...saying, "I will never hurt you again. I promise." And all I want to say is, "You should never have hurt me like this period." Why in the fuck (pardon me but anger is setting in) does he believe that I am supposed to forgive this and trust him again? Why can he not see that it isn't enough to say or even prove for that matter that he won't do it again? He already did it!!! The damage is done. The trust is destroyed. The sense of betrayal is almost suffocating. How in the world does anyone get through that and stay in the marriage?

I keep asking him, "Tell me why I should want to stay in this marriage and try to "fix" it after everything you did?" He just says because he loves me, we had 18 wonderful years together (his words), we are sealed in the temple (religious ceremony), and I know we can have that again." Well where the hell were those thoughts when he decided to cheat?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with these people who cheat????????

Ok, off my rant now. Sorry! I am just so hurt and angry. I don't know how to move past it other than just bail out of this damned nightmare.

[This message edited by JT4588 at 2:30 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

kate0421 posted 4/12/2014 15:35 PM

I understand this. I understand your feelings. I was in limbo about whether or not I really wanted this. I look at it like this now. How is WS and I suppose to work on and fix our problems without any connection. I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable to that connection. But when I finally opened up and let it in, it felt good. That's when I decided I wasn't going to give up just yet. I decided to stay and work on us and part of that is working on the connection. We have date night were I do not bring up the A. If it pops in my head, I put it away for another day or discussion, but there are times WS will hold my hand or make a gesture if he knows I'm triggering (but that is more about him just reaching out and reassuring me he is in this, not a time to have a deep conversation). I found that working on that intimate connection is what gives us the strength to move forward and fight for us and what we can have in the future. We use it as motivation to become better as an individual and couple.
I'm not telling you to stay or leave, that is solely up to you. And I understand when enough is enough, but I encourage you to look at what love means for you. And what the commitment means when you do say you are ready to try. In all honesty I don't believe any married couple is in that "In love" phase ALL the time. I believe commitment is is something you still do even if you don't feel the way you felt when you made the commitment. That being said, being pregnant probably isn't helping the situation. Before DDAY when I was pregnant with my dd, I had bouts of feeling like I didn't love him. But deep down I knew it was still in there somewhere.
Best of luck to you and no matter what you choose we will still support you. (((Hugs)))

ILINIA posted 4/12/2014 17:11 PM

((deena04))

I'm 10 months out and it is still hard on a daily basis. Some days I have a feeling of peace and I think I can get through this. The next day I am fed up and looking at housing for me and my kids and reading S/D on SI.

By bouncing back and forth so frequently, I don't have a clear picture of the future. We are taking a year to work on ourselves with the marriage being second priority. It seems to work for me, because I don't have pressure to make a decision and I don't have to try and be a good wife.

This crap is hard and I remember someone using the status "not divorcing" and that seems to be apt most days.

I just hope that when we know what our future is, we really know it in our head, heart, and gut.

Sending you strength.

deena04 posted 4/13/2014 16:01 PM

Thanks all of you. I really don't know what we are doing. Our date night was weird for me. I find myself more uncomfortable around him everyday. I used to take complete comfort in him. It's hard to R with him under these circumstances and hard to kick him out now, too. A huge part of me thinks I detached to an extreme I didn't realize and just can't undo that. Is that even possible?

Raspberry posted 4/13/2014 16:57 PM

I totally believe you can detach, and quickly. I'm feeling the same way you do. I do love him but this pain is so excruciating that I also hate him for what he did to me. I cant be comfortable/feel safe around him when hes the one who plunged the knife in my back and twisted it.

kickintheface posted 4/13/2014 17:57 PM

Deena,

I'm 3.5 years out. I know it was a deal breaker for me, and I hurt most every day. I tell him I am done, and I argue with him at least a couple times a month...not about us healing, but it's more me trying to get him to understand my feelings. I know my feelings for him....I am not in love with him. I care for him and I love him as a person/friend, but not as a husband. Though I talk about us moving into a bigger house and other things that normally come with staying in a marriage, he knows that I am only in it for the kids and because I can't support myself much less myself and two kids. I will keep my vows as far as not going outside the marriage, but I cannot keep my vows to honor him or respect him. He does not respect me. I fully intend on one day living on my own but that will be once the kids are grown.

We are house mates...that is it. We are not intimate in any way, though he says he loves me. We have been intimate in the past, but I will no longer disrespect myself by satisfying him and degrading myself.

I know it's over and I know he knows it is over (though he won't say it). He knows what I needed to heal and he made little effort to help me heal. And that hurts more than the EA.

TXMommy posted 4/13/2014 18:15 PM

Whatever you decide, it's YOUR decision, and you have to do what you think is best for you and your kids.


With that being said, I felt this way for a long, long time. It's been almost 4 years, and I'm just now getting to the point that I like my husband again (and that's not even all the time). For years, probably 3 years, I couldn't stand him most of the time. To the point that I didn't want anything to do with him! However, I made the decision early on that I was committed to my marriage, and would not consider divorce unless he cheated on me again. While not openly remorseful (he's very unemotional), he did do everything I asked of him, and has been completely transparent, honest, etc. I've never had any reason to question his fidelity... And it still took four years to feel optimistic about my marriage.

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