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deena posted 4/12/2014 01:32 AM

Awhile back I did a post looking for someone to lean on that also hadn't told their kids. Post was "when the kids don't know"

I got A LOT of people here on SI who opened my eyes to why it is NOT good for the kids not to know.

So now I have told one of the kids. DD26 who lives in another city.
I talk to her often. But even she already guessed separation was coming. And she was only a little surprised by the cheating. She also was seeing how much WH was turning out more and more like his father......who cheated with several OW and is now living with one.

I was surprised and relieved that it went so well. We had a good talk.

So now since my post I have told 1 friend and 1 DD.
it feels good. I feel a bit more relaxed.

dmari posted 4/12/2014 02:22 AM

Oh deena. I'm so proud of you! I know you must feel a bit of relief. I'm also glad you told a friend ~ IRL support is so valuable. I'm sure your DD appreciated your honesty and that will go a long way in your relationship with your children. (((((deena)))))

Softcentre posted 4/12/2014 02:31 AM

Aw, you're doing brilliantly!

Sadmumma posted 4/12/2014 06:26 AM

Deena, I remember your post and I remember your children are older.

Good on you for telling DD. Now to tell the kids....

Goo for it deena

deena posted 4/12/2014 08:46 AM

Thanks everyone.

I think the hardest to tell will be my youngest daughter who is 17.
She is in the hormonal change stage. Even DD26 said it will be hard to tell how she will take it, but she needs to know the most. She is the most confused by the coolness in the marriage I think.

Caretaker1 posted 4/12/2014 21:55 PM

If kids are 7 and 9 what if snything would you say!

Nature_Girl posted 4/12/2014 22:30 PM

Deena, I know this is so hard for you. I'm so impressed that you've already taken the steps to get this hard part done. I know it just is completely gutting to tell your kids that their world isn't going to be what they thought. It's not easy no matter their age.

Caretaker, those of use who had/have children around that age stick with more vague terms, assuming that the children haven't met the OP or observed the WS cheating. Phrases like "Mommy/Daddy lied to me and broke the promises that husbands/wives must never break" is telling the truth in an age-appropriate way. That way the children know it's not their fault (which you must emphasize, that its not their fault) and that Mommy/Daddy still loves them.

norabird posted 4/13/2014 15:18 PM

((((((Deena and DD))))))

Your oldest sounds like a lovely woman. I'm glad she knows the truth now and that you feel a little relief.

Phoenix1 posted 4/13/2014 16:13 PM

I told my youngest DD when she was 16. She already suspected much as she is the only kid at home, and the truth just confirmed what she suspected by filling in the gaps. She is a hormonal teen as well, but she handled it just fine and told me how much she appreciated my honesty. But be prepared for trickling questions afterwards as she processes it. Just let her know you will answer any questions she has honestly, and make sure you do just that. Also offer counseling, but don't be surprised if she declines. Mine wanted no part of counseling, but we also talk openly and honestly all the time so she at least had me (and older siblings) to talk to.

nekorb posted 4/13/2014 21:11 PM

Great job deena!

Keeping secrets takes a lot of energy. You are freeing up resources within yourself to wage the battle that is divorce.

You're doing great. Your kids now know which parent they can come to for the truth, even when the truth is hard.

deena posted 4/13/2014 22:33 PM

Thank you all.

I have a "told them all post"

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