So, have to start by noting that H and I are both taking Champix (or Chantix in the US) and quitting smoking - 2 1/2 weeks smoke free today. I'm really trying to take the stress of that and the possible mental affects of the drug into account. But feelings are feelings and thoughts are thoughts, and I'm having some big ones.
Last night, calmly and peacefully stood in the kitchen and watched my beautiful family. Our two boys were pretending to cook us supper and feeding us their pretend food. They are so beautiful, so happy now, so unbelievably miraculous. I was looking at my H too, and feeling, well, sad? Nothing? I know my feelings change regularly, and I personally am not interested any longer in analyzing my 'love' for him and whether or not it's enough. I am developing my belief in love, and I believe that it is not just feelings, it's effort, it's focusing my mind on positive, it's communication, it's history, it's growth, it's openness, it's a willingness to accept the possibility of being hurt, it's commitment, it's the creation of life - it's everything I decide to give to my partner.
So, I know that I can expect to look at him sometimes and not 'feel' big love. I'm honestly fine with that. The interesting thing about that sensation is that it feels to me like during those times, I have this calm clarity. Like I can look analytically and practically at my life and decisions without the fog of emotion and fear of abandonment. So, my thoughts are, is this right? Why am I staying? Is this the best decision for me and for our family as a whole?
I know, I mean absolutely KNOW I originally wanted to stay for our kids. A little history; sexual abuse with my two sisters by our far older brother until I was 6, and my little sister was 4. Discovered by my mom via my little sis telling, had a religious leader over for a family meeting, abuse ended, no one ever talked about it again. Not once. Met H in high school, always terrified that I was 'ruined' as far as sex is concerned, immensely low self-esteem regarding appearance, made up for it with over-achieving academically, with being a 'clown' and getting laughs. Had sex with H who had huge issues about his performance (which I never even considered odd since that's how I felt), after first sex; he felt like he was terrible and disappointing, I was relieved I got through it and nothing horrible happened.
So, if I remove our kids from the equation, consider all I've learned through IC and dealing with the abuse and the betrayal of the affair, I honestly don't know if this relationship is ever going to be what we both deserve. It may be me going back to my never-ending debate about whether or not my H and his AP really were better for each other or not. Maybe I'm trying to justify this line of thinking again, dunno. Just stuck in a 'what if' scenario - not a good place to be. What if I stay and he stays and we rob ourselves and our kids of a much more positive life and family experience? I'm not even thinking of another partner, I'm thinking of being on my own as the alternative. It not only doesn't scare me, it sounds like relief. I have been fighting so hard for so long since dday, I'm beginning to wonder if it actually WOULD be better for our kids if we became healthier individuals apart from each other.
I would do anything for my kids, but through IC I'm learning about how to give them what I didn't have; an ability to express themselves and deal with their shit. I originally (just about when my H's A began) was diagnosed with PTSD, which basically came about when my kids were born because of my abuse. I thought I would make up for what I went through by protecting them like I wasn't. I thought I would do that by literally watching everything they do, never letting them out of my sight except with my mother (their care-giver when I'm at work). It led to HUGE problems with my in-laws (naturally), with my H (naturally), and I almost lost my mind. So, I'm genuinely worried that I can't make the right decision for my relationship because I would do anything for these boys. Would I stay just for them? Of course. Am I? I just don't know.
It feels like I'm pushing us to do the work. H is totally in, battling depression, doing some work on himself. We have tons of great times, life is generally good day-to-day. We have a new relationship and a new way of communicating we have NEVER ever had before. But when it comes to his personal change, I feel like I'm pulling him in a wagon behind me. I have to bring his attention to things all the time. I have to manage my obsessive thoughts every day, and then feel like he is shocked at how much effort it takes me still. We have long-term issues about him feeling 'inferior' to me, his family has mirrored those feelings since I've known them (15 years). Mostly about academics, my family all received multiple university degrees, his none. Never was this even considered by my family, but his mother has regularly made comments belittling herself, and once his dad asked me what I was doing with my H - indicating I was 'too good' for him. So, hello FOO issues for my H!
So, are we both too fucked up for each other? The huge inferiority issues for him, the controlling over protectiveness of me, the insecurities in both of us. Plus we were 17 and 18 when we started dating, and we are both still quite young now (33 & 34). I don't want to take the easy way out, I've been certain of that during this recovery, but is it too much? Is it impossible?
Sorry, I guess a bit of a mumbly rant. If you're still here reading, I sincerely thank you for hearing my story.