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Dawn58 posted 4/12/2014 08:57 AM

I met with my attorney and forensic accountant to talk about my settlement. My mediation date is a week from Monday. I trust my attorney and know she will fight for me.

My emotions are all over the place. I have waited 16 months for this. My Dad and his wife told me, that the only place I could hurt him was his wallet, but I don't believe that is true. He has no conscience, no remorse. There are no consequences to his actions because he has justified what he has done. His attorney is characterizing me as a gold digger now. I know it's just part of the game they are playing, but it upsets me to be portrayed that way. I don't want to get thrown off track because of the accusations his attorney is going to throw my way. I am not the one that cheated. I am not the one who lied and deceived. I married him because I truly loved him, He could have flipped burgers at McDonald's and I still would have loved him. My STBX has forgotten who I am.

I feel the anger and the deep hurt of the betrayal. I am sad. It's hard to let go of the dream, to let go of the man I thought I married. I did not sign on for this when I married him. I did not know who he was when I married him, I married the package he presented.

I also feel glad to be free of him, to no longer be under his thumb. I don't have to please him anymore, I don't have to do his bidding 24/7. I am not walking on eggshells anymore, not confused or baffled about why he is treating me so bad. I am glad that I know that the next time he cheats, it will be on her.

I am angry that I have to go through the mediation process and "negotiate" what is legally due to me. That's bs. I absolutely do not want to see him, hear his voice or have anything whatsoever to do with him.

I ran into an acquaintance that socializes with the STBX and the OW. The OW moved in with him several months ago and quit her job and is financially dependent on him now. This acquaintance had dinner with the two of them a couple of months ago and she said that the warning signs were there. During dinner, the OW would start to say something and he'd talk right over her. He was impatient with her. I remember all too well him doing that with me and how it felt. We'd go to black tie events, and he'd stand behind me and shove me in the direction he wanted me to go. That would infuriate me. He had to feel that he was in control. I am soooooo very grateful that I am not under his thumb anymore and to be free of that.

I am moving on, although it is slow. I will be done with school in a couple of months, in my dream profession. I won't make much money, but I hope to be very satisfied in my work. My work will have a positive effect on people. I will leave a good mark on the earth and after I am dead and gone, people will be walking through the places I had a part in designing and will feel good. My ex's legacy? At least four ex-wives and 5 step children who's lives he devastated.

The pressure is on big time, to get my thesis project done for school and prepare for the public presentation. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed when I think about what I need to get done in the next few weeks for school and get through this mediation process. I often feel that I am in survival mode, just trying to keep the forward motion going. Any tips on how you get through times like this, would be appreciated!!! What helped you get through the mediation? How did you feel when it was over?

devistatedmom posted 4/12/2014 13:01 PM

My Dday was a week or so after I finished my last college course. My stress during that time, trying to finish my courses and knowing something was wrong (but not what) was terrible. All I could do was put my head down, ignore the outside world, and get it done.

After Dday, I knew I had about 8 weeks until summer vacation. (I work in the school system). I was not close with people at that school, and knew I needed to plow through the 8 weeks, then get business done with getting him out of my life.

How to get through it?

Have your tears, emotions before and after, not while in classes/at school.

Put it out of your mind and concentrate on getting your courses done. I know that sounds impossible, but when your mind does start to wander, remind yourself that you will NOT let him take your degree/diploma away from you, and get back down to business.

Know that you have x amount of classes/weeks until you are done your courses. Remind yourself that you can have your breakdown once you are done. You are not denying yourself the breakdown, just "putting it off" until it won't affect other parts of your life. It really did help to know I could do it down the road.

Deep breaths Dawn. You have something important to you coming soon. Take each day for what it is. Today is attorneys and divorce stuff day. Tomorrow is totally all about me and my schooling. Keep those walls up, and don't let one destroy the other for you.

Wish I could give you a hug.

gypsybird87 posted 4/12/2014 19:13 PM


We split practically cold turkey, minimal paperwork and no court drama. So I can only imagine the pain you are going through. I have no advice, though I can tell you what my father told me, when something would come up that I wanted to make an issue of. He told me to keep my eye on the goal, and the goal was to be DONE. To achieve peace and freedom. He said I should make all my decisions based on that, and take actions that would "grease the path" rather than setting up roadblocks. To frame everything with the idea of being DONE and free as soon as possible. This worked well for me, though I understand your situation is different and it may not apply to you.

In any case, I just wanted you to know you've been heard, and to send some hugs and strength your way. You'll get through this, Dawn58. I believe in you.

Ashland13 posted 4/19/2014 20:55 PM

I'm sorry, Dawn. Though my stresses and stuff to do are different, I understand a little the pain and aggravation.

My wait is about as long as yours and sometimes I think that the extra time is okay because our fog as bs can lift a little.

In regard to getting through the mediation and seeing him there, if it helps any, I don't look at him. I look anywhere but the face, which isn't the same, anyway. I remind myself of many things, mostly that he is not the same person any more and neither is your x, though hard to hear for a time.

And like you are doing, remembering the drama and negative things, helps after a time.

I commend you for the school work and am working towards it myself. We are amazing creatures, as people, and capable of so much.

Another thing I do to get through the mediation is think of being on the other side, like getting a shot or the dentist. Then I nurture myself in a small way with a treat to eat, a movie just for me, etc.

I am in a similar place with money, with ow and mediation process. I ask for nothing from the man for me and imagine ow living high on the hog, while I lived without natural resources with my children, at their hands...while I am alone with baby and other child and she is with him.

But now I feel the saying is true, "send me the money and you keep the man". He's in the past, Dawn, and your future begins today. One day at a time, one step at a time and you will be on the other side soon.

Mediation is a step in a long and ugly process. It will be done soon.

FaithFool posted 4/19/2014 21:05 PM

Can you book in to get a couple of therapeutic massages? Those are enormously helpful when trying to relieve stress. You have nothing to do but let your mind drift and enjoy the sensations.

Hot soak afterwards in an Epsom salt bath.

Kudos for forging ahead with schoolwork during all of this BS. I'm sending you strength and peace.

Ask your lawyer to arrange for separate boardrooms for each of you. You should not have to sit there and look at his ugly face.


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