I met with my attorney and forensic accountant to talk about my settlement. My mediation date is a week from Monday. I trust my attorney and know she will fight for me.
My emotions are all over the place. I have waited 16 months for this. My Dad and his wife told me, that the only place I could hurt him was his wallet, but I don't believe that is true. He has no conscience, no remorse. There are no consequences to his actions because he has justified what he has done. His attorney is characterizing me as a gold digger now. I know it's just part of the game they are playing, but it upsets me to be portrayed that way. I don't want to get thrown off track because of the accusations his attorney is going to throw my way. I am not the one that cheated. I am not the one who lied and deceived. I married him because I truly loved him, He could have flipped burgers at McDonald's and I still would have loved him. My STBX has forgotten who I am.
I feel the anger and the deep hurt of the betrayal. I am sad. It's hard to let go of the dream, to let go of the man I thought I married. I did not sign on for this when I married him. I did not know who he was when I married him, I married the package he presented.
I also feel glad to be free of him, to no longer be under his thumb. I don't have to please him anymore, I don't have to do his bidding 24/7. I am not walking on eggshells anymore, not confused or baffled about why he is treating me so bad. I am glad that I know that the next time he cheats, it will be on her.
I am angry that I have to go through the mediation process and "negotiate" what is legally due to me. That's bs. I absolutely do not want to see him, hear his voice or have anything whatsoever to do with him.
I ran into an acquaintance that socializes with the STBX and the OW. The OW moved in with him several months ago and quit her job and is financially dependent on him now. This acquaintance had dinner with the two of them a couple of months ago and she said that the warning signs were there. During dinner, the OW would start to say something and he'd talk right over her. He was impatient with her. I remember all too well him doing that with me and how it felt. We'd go to black tie events, and he'd stand behind me and shove me in the direction he wanted me to go. That would infuriate me. He had to feel that he was in control. I am soooooo very grateful that I am not under his thumb anymore and to be free of that.
I am moving on, although it is slow. I will be done with school in a couple of months, in my dream profession. I won't make much money, but I hope to be very satisfied in my work. My work will have a positive effect on people. I will leave a good mark on the earth and after I am dead and gone, people will be walking through the places I had a part in designing and will feel good. My ex's legacy? At least four ex-wives and 5 step children who's lives he devastated.
The pressure is on big time, to get my thesis project done for school and prepare for the public presentation. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed when I think about what I need to get done in the next few weeks for school and get through this mediation process. I often feel that I am in survival mode, just trying to keep the forward motion going. Any tips on how you get through times like this, would be appreciated!!! What helped you get through the mediation? How did you feel when it was over?