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Ended a budding relationship last night

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hurtbs posted 4/12/2014 11:14 AM

Been seeing a wonderful man for the last few weeks. Great chemistry, fun, definitely going somewhere or so we both thought. Last night we were in bed and having that discussion - where the relationship was going. We were clearing about to do the whole "let's be exclusive" thing... then it came out that he didn't want to have children, ever. He's younger, only 28, he may change his mind... hell, I suspect he will (gut thought). However, I'm 35. I want the option - I'm not sure if I will have a child, but I am not ready to take it off the table. I also know that it's not fair or healthy for me to try to force that decision on him.

So, we quickly went from "this is going to the next level" to fully ending the relationship. I'm really bummed... but I know I'll be okay. I also know that I'm not nearly as upset as I would be had we been dating a few months or more. Right decision, but it fucking sucks.

**Sigh**

norabird posted 4/12/2014 11:17 AM

Good for you to know what decision is best for you and your future.

(((hurtbs))))

Must Survive posted 4/12/2014 11:17 AM

(((hurtbs)))

That would hurt. But it is great that you know what you want! And are willing to walk away from something that will not allow that to happen. And the fact that you aren't trying to change his mind is a good thing too.

I look at it as a short term hurt vs a long time hurt.

hurtbs posted 4/12/2014 11:23 AM

@Must Survive

Yeah, tha'ts how I look at it as well. Having children is a huge thing - it's a decision you can't undo. It's not fair to force that on him. At the same time, I know it's not an option I'm ready to give up. Right now, we're in that "everything is amazing and awesome" stage - this is something that can readily build deep and painful resentment.

When he left he told me that maybe he needed to reassess how he felt about this. I told him that wasn't a bad idea, but that he does need to make the decision about it separate from me. I wasn't closing the door on him, but at the same time neither of us should put our lives on hold. That wasn't fair.

Today is netflix binging, gym, grocery shopping... then maybe some wine. Sucks, but the right thing.

Nature_Girl posted 4/12/2014 12:08 PM

I wish that my ex had been honest with me when we had that conversation while dating. Since he did NOT want children, ever, but lied to me and said he did, I made a serious mistake that I'll never fully get over.

I'm sorry for your hurt, but you truly dodged a horrible bullet. The sorrow of bringing children into the world with a man who doesn't want them is never-ending.

better4me posted 4/12/2014 12:33 PM

(((hurtbs)))

hurtbs posted 4/12/2014 20:56 PM

So, Update: He called me today and told me that he hadn't slept all night and had been go over and over our conversation. He said that the "no children" thing had largely been a response to the women he dated in the past that he felt didn't recognize the significance of children (the "That's just what you do" attitude) and the fact that he didn't want to give up his young/singe lifestyle that a family relationship would require. At the same time, as he is getting older and wants something more serious he realizes that he needs to realign his objectives and goals. He also told me that it struck him that when he told me his thoughts, I didn't judge him or try to change his mind - that I was empathetic to his wishes and didn't try to guilt him/change his mind or ignore them. He asked if we could could talk about it. He's going to come over for dinner tomorrow night.

On the one hand, I'm very concerned that he is looking at this as a way to keep me. Yes, relationships are about compromise but children are a huge deal that supercede the relationship. I don't want him making a knee-jerk reaction to what happened between us. At the same time, this may be something that sparked him to re-examine his life and what he wants in the future (again, he's 28, not 35). In which case, this could be something.

Just FYI, here is what I want:
I want the option to have a small family, not the guarantee - you may have trouble conceiving or carrying to term or a myriad of other problems that prevent it from happening.
I realize that at my age I may not find a suitable partner "in time" but I'm not yet ready to give up on that.
I realize that having a child with someone is not a guarantee that person will remain in your life
I have considered going the "single mother by choice" route - but I don't quite feel that *drive* to reproduce.

So essentially, what I don't want is for that door to be closed before it must be.

So, let's see how this goes.

All in all, I'm going to discuss with him, hear him out, and trust my gut.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:57 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

cmego posted 4/12/2014 21:07 PM

Well, it sounds like you handled it perfectly. I don't see any harm in giving it a little more time if you both like each other. I wasn't sure I really wanted kids at 28, and it wasn't until my doctor said if I wanted kids I'd better really start thinking about it. When the doc pushed me was the first time I really had to decide that yes, I probably wanted children.

Just see how it goes.

BAB61 posted 4/12/2014 23:05 PM

Kudos to you for being honest about what is important to you and not pressuring him into changing his goals to align with yours. I, too, hope he's not just trying to hang onto a good thing with the 'reviewing goals' thing. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.... good luck!

nolight posted 4/12/2014 23:27 PM

Perfectly handled. I was about to go off on a tangent but realised I'd be threadjacking so just want to say good luck tomorrow, I really respect the way you honestly and maturaly dealt with this.

hurtbs posted 4/14/2014 19:37 PM

Update - he came over for dinner and told me that he had been thinking about the whole situation and that it had given him a kick to examine his reasoning and what being committed looked like. He also said that he spoke to his friends (one of whom has a GF expecting a child and is a step-father) and his sister (who had an unplanned child) to get their input. He wants to see where this is going and he says that he is open to having a family. I asked him if he realized that being with me, that means things are a litle more on fast-forward. If things are going well a year from now then we will likely be having the "kids" conversation then. He said that he understands.

Of course saying you feel a certain way right now doesn't guarantee that is how you will feel once the relationship develops. However, my gut is telling me that this isn't a "I want to keep nailing this girl os I'm going to tell her what she wants to hear" but rather a man who has hit a key moment in his life and had to make some grown up decisions.

So... giving it some more time. We're in an exclusive relationship. We're having fun. He treats me well.

PS: Only one of his friend's told him not to do it. His reasoning? "Dude, she's 35. What's going to happen in a couple of years when she gets ugly?" His response (and his other friends' response) "What the fuck? Don't be an asshole!" That's another positive...

[This message edited by hurtbs at 7:53 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

norabird posted 4/14/2014 22:17 PM

That sounds great. Good luck to you!

ButterflyGirl posted 4/14/2014 22:29 PM

I'm 35, and I dated a 29 year old for a few weeks. But the kids thing is what ultimately made me kill it..

I need someone who wants to be a father now already to my 2 boys, so I think if I could choose and wanted to get serious, I would pick a man older than me and more settled..

I met one guy who was 43, never married, no kids, and was now wanting a family since he has focused on his career so much. He woulda been perfect (I got a few years left to give him a kid!), but he traveled far too much for his job..

I guess you can wait it out and see if he is serious, but if you guys end up breaking up after having a kid, would he make a good father to them? Doesn't really sound like it right now if he stills wants to "sow his oats.."

It's fine if he's not ready.. He could still be a great guy, just not a good match for you..

getnbtr1 posted 4/15/2014 09:04 AM

So glad you guys were able to talk this through and are able to move forward now. This must have been painful and what a relief that you don't have to experience this break up and can see where things lead. Good luck.

cmego posted 4/15/2014 09:44 AM

I think this sounds like you communicated together and that it sounds as if it is going well. Happy for you.

She11ybeanz posted 4/15/2014 10:04 AM

You made a smart, decisive, and healthy decision that will ultimately set you up to meeting the perfect match that DOES want to enjoy hearing the pitter patter of little feet with you!!! Fear not.... your prince awaits!!!!

Kudos to you for being strong and listening to your gut! Good luck! ((BIGHUGZ))

Ready_to_run posted 4/15/2014 10:15 AM

I wouldn't count on him coming around. I'm guessing a part of the initial attraction to you was that you were older and therefore not as likely to want kids anymore.

I've seen this scenario played out a few times with other couples and eventually it turns into the woman feeling more like a mom than a GF and eventually realizing that dating a much younger man wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

My advice is to find a man more your age who is excited about the idea of having kids and starting a family. Good luck!

heartbroken_kk posted 4/16/2014 15:48 PM

Beware that this is wishy washy and a punt.

STBXWHNPDPAFTG did the same thing to me and basically stalled, stalled, then cheated, false R all the while my clock ticked.

Turns out his easy to get along with personna hid a massive passive aggressive method of tricking me into believing he wasn't opposed to kids. He never wanted kids, but he was afraid of revealing the truth.

I'm too old to have kids now.

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