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Whats wrong with me?

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amanda81 posted 4/12/2014 14:06 PM

Woke up feeling angry about something that happened a long time ago (january 12, 2012). It seems that the pain and heartache is still there. I just cant believe how easy i forgave him, when in my mind and heart i still cant. If i could go back i would change my course of action and make him more responsible so i wont feel like this. I will make him call that woman 3way and listen while he admits his mistakes and tells her the truth. I would not talk to him until he tells me the details of his affair. I want him to acknowledge that he broke my heart and that the continual denial of what happened is breaking me in pieces. I am longing for the truth, the reason, the why's. But sadly, all he gave me was a rough overview of what he did and never told me her name. What if i work with her? I know its been years and we are now back together but i still cant help it. I think about it all the time. Any time i try to ask him he shrugs it off and say here we go again, this will never end or he will ask me how can we move on if i keep on asking him. Then i would feel guilty like i am ruining this chance. Im hurt and broken inside. The mask i show everyday is not how i truly feel. Im so lost.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:49 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

RipsInMyChest posted 4/12/2014 14:20 PM

You need answers and to have your feelings validated. If he is not willing to help you heal then you need to separate or at least 180 and focus on yourself. It's not too late and you don't need to go back in time. Demand what you need now.

Stay strong. (((Amanda)))

4everfaithful83 posted 4/12/2014 17:16 PM

I understand how you are feeling. I think many of us on SI wish we had handled those initial first interactions with our WP differently. In the beginning I was (not proud of this) really only concerned with making sure we stayed together! I believed what he told me about he A (to an extent) and it wasn't until a couple months went by that the initial shock wore off and anger set it. Then I started demanding the real answers, as I knew that what he had told me already could not have been EVERYTHING.

I think not knowing all the details (or feeling like you don't) is FAR worse than actually hearing the awful truth. If you can't see the whole picture, your imagination is left to fill in holes. Which could be better or worse than what actually happened.

Many times the WP will TT because they are protecting themselves (how selfish!). My WBF told me that he TT because he knew that I would leave him if I knew the whole truth.

If you need those answers to move on, then do what you have to do. Just be prepared that he might not be willing to provide those answers, and if he isn't, you need to be prepared to make a decision for your future based on that.

Have him take a polygraph if that's what you need! If he really wants you to "get over it" then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal! Even if that means he's uncomfortable!

For him to say that you guys can't move on because you keep asking him about it is just stupid. My WBF used to say the same stuff. Well guess what? You can't move on, because you don't have the truth. He was there! He lived it! He has alllllll the answers up there in his head. That's why its so easy for him to just "forget about it" and move on. And when is your DDAY anyways? They say it takes 2-5 years for a couple to recover from infidelity, and that's IF both partners are giving is 110%, and doing anything necessary. If one partner is unwilling to work at is (especially the wayward in my opinion) then its going to be an uphill battle.'s already an uphill battle! So I don't even know what you would call it then!

I'm sure others will come on with better advice than I've given. I hope you find some inspiration! I know (because I've been where you are) that not knowing everything is just devastating and it will literally fuck with your mind until you go insane. Do something about it, before its too late!

Devastee posted 4/12/2014 23:42 PM

I have felt like this soooo many times. I don't care if its been over a year - its still devastating. And we relive it over and over. My WH said the same things for a while not realizing that recovery is a roller coaster. Maybe your WS doesn't realize this as well. I bought the book "NOT JUST FRIENDS" and I wrote a bunch of cliff notes for him to show him, no, I wasn't crazy and there will be many ups and downs for a LONG time and I showed him from the book how what I was feeling was to be expected and why. That actually helped a ton and now he will ask me if I need to talk. Maybe its worth a try for you too.

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