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Vent Pissed that I have to change my boundaries

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betrayedhusband posted 4/12/2014 15:01 PM

I want to vent a little here. First, I don't believe that everyone is predisposed to the potential of an A. Just as not everyone is predisposed to be an alcoholic, etc.

But it order to properly R, it seems we all need to work on our boundaries. I think mine were safe before, but have agreed to tighten them up as part of R.

To me, that is like having to give up alcohol because your spouse is an alcoholic, even though you don't have a drinking problem.

Am I willing to do it? Yes. I want to R. Am I happy about tightening my boundaries? NO! Because I don't need validation from others. So talking with a man, woman, or dog, I still wouldn't consider breaking my vows.

meplusfour posted 4/12/2014 15:17 PM

I hear your vent. I'm curious about what kind of boundaries you have to change? My fWH and I are in R, and he has tightened up his boundaries but mine have remained the same as before DDay.

betrayedhusband posted 4/12/2014 15:27 PM

Prior to A I could talk to a female one on one. Didn't have to worry about informing spouse prior to said conversations.

Just those things to try to assure that everyone feels comfortable in the relationship.

sisoon posted 4/12/2014 15:32 PM

I don't understand why you're complying, then. What new boundaries are you setting in place?

Funny(?) story - I was in touch with xGF from HS. W was nervous because she thought xGF was interested in me, but I refused to end it.

We moved from email to Skype. First session, xGF expressed real dissatisfaction with her M & her H (who probably has PTSD from Viet Nam). I expressed happiness with my M & W. That was our last contact.

betrayedhusband posted 4/12/2014 15:47 PM

Assume it is necessary for R. Lead by example.

A sacrifice I am willing to make, just not happy that I have to change me.

Furious1 posted 4/12/2014 15:53 PM

I understand revisiting boundaries. I took a look at my boundaries when we were revising WH's boundaries. Mine have not changed because they have always been good, but WH now has a say in them.

Specifically, I'm a hugger. When I see people I know and haven't seen in a long time, I hug them. If someone looks like they need a hug, I hug them. I'm the same whether WH is there or not, but I conduct myself as though WH were always by my side. It doesn't matter if they are male or female although I am very respectful of marriages and usually only hug the wives. I would never hug anyone who I had a past with or who put out the vibe.

WH now has veto power over who I hug. If he is uncomfortable about it for any reason, we have a prearranged signal that he will hold my hand. Usually, we talk about it if he sees something he doesn't like and I agree not to ever hug them again.

With WH, his boundaries are that he is not to have any non-work conversations with any woman outside of my presence. He is to tell me about any conversations he has with a woman even if it is work related. He is not to touch another woman in any way ever even if she is a hugger too and he is expected to stay at least an arm's length away from any woman.

I know his boundaries are strict, but I am at the end of my rope. If I ever see or hear of any of these boundaries being crossed, I am fully fed up and fully prepared to walk. If someone else crosses these boundaries, I expect him to respond with the same disrespect that they are showing me after everything I have been through.

My boundary tightening isn't a punishment for me. It is me making an effort to be more sensitive to my WH's feelings just as I expect WH to be more sensitive to mine.

brkn_heartd posted 4/13/2014 14:09 PM

I would struggle to. While I understand compromise is needed for a successful R, I believe it needs to be an equally agreed upon compromise. For example, while my WH didn't ask for my passwords, etc I gave them to him. He occasionally does go into my computer, however, I know when he does or that he is going to. More to do some work or upgrade on it. Or he needs in my phone (it is password protected due to work requirements). I have no problems giving him full access. I however, would have problems being bound to limit my relationship with others because of his actions. I am not the one that repeatedly crossed the boundaries. I am not the one that lied, and I would not be willing to make those same changes. HOWEVER, if I do meet with someone (same gender) one on one I tell him about it, but typically after as part of my retelling my day. I might mention it in the what have you got on your calendar for the day conversation also.

If you are resentful of your new boundaries, will this make you resentful of her or your relationship? Something to ponder.

Tren0R201 posted 4/13/2014 14:33 PM

You led by example by being faithful. I don't get why you need boundaries when you didn't break them in the first place?
You'll find yourself needlessly having to justify perfectly innocent interactions.

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