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Newest Member: Soleil88 (45765)

User Topic: Vent Pissed that I have to change my boundaries
betrayedhusband
♂ 38443
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to vent a little here. First, I don't believe that everyone is predisposed to the potential of an A. Just as not everyone is predisposed to be an alcoholic, etc.

But it order to properly R, it seems we all need to work on our boundaries. I think mine were safe before, but have agreed to tighten them up as part of R.

To me, that is like having to give up alcohol because your spouse is an alcoholic, even though you don't have a drinking problem.

Am I willing to do it? Yes. I want to R. Am I happy about tightening my boundaries? NO! Because I don't need validation from others. So talking with a man, woman, or dog, I still wouldn't consider breaking my vows.


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 157 | Registered: Feb 2013
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear your vent. I'm curious about what kind of boundaries you have to change? My fWH and I are in R, and he has tightened up his boundaries but mine have remained the same as before DDay.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
betrayedhusband
♂ 38443
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prior to A I could talk to a female one on one. Didn't have to worry about informing spouse prior to said conversations.

Just those things to try to assure that everyone feels comfortable in the relationship.


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 157 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why you're complying, then. What new boundaries are you setting in place?

Funny(?) story - I was in touch with xGF from HS. W was nervous because she thought xGF was interested in me, but I refused to end it.

We moved from email to Skype. First session, xGF expressed real dissatisfaction with her M & her H (who probably has PTSD from Viet Nam). I expressed happiness with my M & W. That was our last contact.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
betrayedhusband
♂ 38443
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Assume it is necessary for R. Lead by example.

A sacrifice I am willing to make, just not happy that I have to change me.


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 157 | Registered: Feb 2013
Furious1
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand revisiting boundaries. I took a look at my boundaries when we were revising WH's boundaries. Mine have not changed because they have always been good, but WH now has a say in them.

Specifically, I'm a hugger. When I see people I know and haven't seen in a long time, I hug them. If someone looks like they need a hug, I hug them. I'm the same whether WH is there or not, but I conduct myself as though WH were always by my side. It doesn't matter if they are male or female although I am very respectful of marriages and usually only hug the wives. I would never hug anyone who I had a past with or who put out the vibe.

WH now has veto power over who I hug. If he is uncomfortable about it for any reason, we have a prearranged signal that he will hold my hand. Usually, we talk about it if he sees something he doesn't like and I agree not to ever hug them again.

With WH, his boundaries are that he is not to have any non-work conversations with any woman outside of my presence. He is to tell me about any conversations he has with a woman even if it is work related. He is not to touch another woman in any way ever even if she is a hugger too and he is expected to stay at least an arm's length away from any woman.

I know his boundaries are strict, but I am at the end of my rope. If I ever see or hear of any of these boundaries being crossed, I am fully fed up and fully prepared to walk. If someone else crosses these boundaries, I expect him to respond with the same disrespect that they are showing me after everything I have been through.

My boundary tightening isn't a punishment for me. It is me making an effort to be more sensitive to my WH's feelings just as I expect WH to be more sensitive to mine.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
brkn_heartd
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would struggle to. While I understand compromise is needed for a successful R, I believe it needs to be an equally agreed upon compromise. For example, while my WH didn't ask for my passwords, etc I gave them to him. He occasionally does go into my computer, however, I know when he does or that he is going to. More to do some work or upgrade on it. Or he needs in my phone (it is password protected due to work requirements). I have no problems giving him full access. I however, would have problems being bound to limit my relationship with others because of his actions. I am not the one that repeatedly crossed the boundaries. I am not the one that lied, and I would not be willing to make those same changes. HOWEVER, if I do meet with someone (same gender) one on one I tell him about it, but typically after as part of my retelling my day. I might mention it in the what have you got on your calendar for the day conversation also.

If you are resentful of your new boundaries, will this make you resentful of her or your relationship? Something to ponder.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1686 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Tren0R201
♂ 39633
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You led by example by being faithful. I don't get why you need boundaries when you didn't break them in the first place?
You'll find yourself needlessly having to justify perfectly innocent interactions.


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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