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Sudden moment of enlightenment

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ThatGuyNoMore posted 4/12/2014 20:16 PM

For years, I had this quote from the movie Juno (2007)stuck in my head. "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." I thought that person was my OW, but on dday+1 I had an epiphany: it was really my W who was with me all along, supporting me day after day with all the real stuff going on in my life. My AP was enabling me to inhabit a selfish fantasy bubble where she alone supported me while the whole world was against me. It was delusional to say the least. When my W and I talked on dday+1 and she told me she loved me, you could've knocked me down with a feather. My W was that "kind of person worth sticking with" all along, only I didn't see it until then.

KBeguile posted 4/12/2014 21:06 PM

I think that happens in a lot of situations, actually. I felt SOOOOO sheepish when I actually bothered to sit down and talk about the rationale behind Heart's expectations and requests. You could have pushed me down with a feather, but I doubt I would have even felt a Mack truck, to be perfectly honest.

Actionsoverwords posted 4/12/2014 23:17 PM

When I think about how much my BW loved me, how much she cared for me, and the fact that she would've gone through a brick wall for me, I just want to die. I spent my entire life looking for love and validation and here was someone who saw my faults and still loved me and what did I do?

I looked for validation everywhere else. In the process, I neglected her, cheated on her, and lied to her. I think a lot of us WSs make that realization when it becomes too late and ruin something that could have been great. Even if the relationship is saved, it is forever scarred. That's not to say that things can't be great or better, but it is something that is so senseless and could have been avoided if we actually KNEW what we had and KNEW what to do with what we had.

ThatGuyNoMore posted 4/15/2014 19:56 PM

That's exactly how I feel. I had no freakin' clue what I had. My BW is the kindest, most caring person I know. It is what attracted me to her in the first place and is the #1 reason I list among the things I like about her (Not "Just Friends", Shirley P. Glass, p. 172).

I twisted everything she did into something negative. All the effort she put in was "out of obligation" not because she genuinely loved me. On D-Day+1 she told me she loved me. I honestly had no idea. I was so blind, my views of her and her actions & feelings were so perversely out of line with reality.

Sure we had our communication problems, and maybe if we had been able to talk openly, honestly, and safely about our issues, maybe we could've avoided so much of this heartache. But honestly, I still had so many issues with trust and hiding my online urges that even if I had ended my LTA without my BW ever knowing, I still would've had so much stuff to work through that I would've just swept it under the rug again. As much as it hurts everyone, I don't think I would've changed & gotten the help I need without D-Day (and the days after as the whole truth trickled out) happening.

betrayedidiot posted 4/15/2014 21:02 PM

BS here (no stop sign). It's good progress that you realize you undervalued your spouse. But if I can say gently, your quote rubs me (as a bitter BS) a really wrong. You cheated, lied and betrayed your W, and she's "worth sticking with" because she still loves you in spite of that? That doesn't come across as very humble, more like your only thinking of yourself and not the pain you have caused.

sunnyrain posted 4/15/2014 21:25 PM

TGNM, good for you and your insight!

It continues to amaze me how much dropping the negativity and embracing the good (in others and ourselves) does for our emotional health and recovery.

authenticnow posted 4/16/2014 05:35 AM

I completely get it! We are all works in progress and sometimes we need to get hit on the head with a brick to learn something .

But we do, and thankfully our BSs stick with us!

LifeIsTooWeird posted 4/16/2014 10:33 AM

It's great that your wife has shown you she thinks the sun shines out your ass, time to show her you think the same of her :) Good Luck!

krispy47 posted 4/16/2014 19:26 PM

Do you mean the A wouldn't have happened if you and your wife had been able to communicate in this way before you stepped out on her?

If that's what you mean then I, gently, call bullsnot on it. Your A has nothing to do with communication between you and your wife. It's all to do with own inability to communicate your feelings and make good choices.
~BrokenButTrying, from another thread

^^This

ThatGuyNoMore posted 4/18/2014 05:53 AM

@betrayedidiot: No, she doesn't love me in spite of my lies & betrayals. She loved me all those years before D-Day despite all my flaws. See my previous post on how warped my views were of her. I didn't see that she genuinely loved me all those years before. Here I was looking for unconditional love and validation in the arms of others when needed to go no further than the woman standing next to me in my own kitchen.

Whether she can love me now is still an open question--at least I hope she can love me again someday. What I need to do now is be the best partner I can be (and then some!), help her to heal, and fix my own sh*t. I have no illusions that my BW will ever again feel the same way about me before D-Day. I've hurt her too much. I've broken the heart of the kindest woman on the planet. What I've done is unforgivable.

Yet I hope with sincere & consistent caring, honesty, and communication that perhaps my BW and I can build something new and stronger than before. Tomorrow, next week, next year, or 10 years from now she could decide she can't handle the memories of all that I've done and send me away. That doesn't mean that I won't stop trying to be a good person for her, that I won't stop being honest with her, that I won't stop caring for her, that I won't stop communicating openly and fairly with her. She deserves nothing less than that, even if we do end up separating and divorcing.

ThatGuyNoMore posted 4/18/2014 06:21 AM

@krispy47, no, the poor communications did not cause me to betray her. She was on the other end of our poor communications, yet she didn't choose to have an affair. I did. I made those awful, stupid choices. Poor communications between me and my BW surely didn't help the situation, but in no way was that an excuse for me to betray her.

My speculation was that maybe things could've turned out differently if we had communicated better, but in the next sentence I owned my trust issues and my online urges, saying those problems wouldn't have been solved by communicating better. My issues are deeper and more personal than communicating, and I've been carrying them with me in one form or another long before I ever met my wife. Without fixing those issues, I have no chance to heal myself and no chance to be the partner I should have been all along.

Without fixing my own sh*t, I don't believe I could've communicated better. In fact, I know I couldn't because I wasn't being honest with myself. If I was lying to myself, how could I communicate honestly with her? D-Day (and the days after) was the wake-up call to be honest with myself and with her, to fully own my flaws, my lies, my betrayal, and all the hurt I caused. No, poor communication wasn't the cause of my affairs, lies, and betrayals, but it is something I have to fix in order to help my BW and me to heal.

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