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Beginning of the end or just my way of coping?

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JustOneMoreDay posted 4/12/2014 21:24 PM

I don't even know what the topic of this post is going to be. I feel like I need to post something though because I am currently stuffing my emotions and that never ends well.

I am almost one month out from Dday. WS had 18 month PA with his best friend's ex. He also had a threesome with buddy and the ex(buddy is also married). This isn't our first journey through infidelity. We walked this path ten years ago. I thought I was healed. I believed he would never do it again. He did and here we are. The details are pretty vile. WS would like to reconcile and this time, I actually believe that he is a remorseful WS. I believe he gets it. MC believes he gets it. He is doing the right things. I don't really care. The first week or so, I was a horrible mess but now? I am stuffing my emotions and throwing up walls to keep him out. I have stopped asking questions. The movies play in my head continually, including when I sleep, and questions come to mind but I just out them out of my mind.

It has been a tough week. I had surgery Wednesday for something relatively routine but when they opened me up, they found something alarming. I was sent home with a "we will know in two weeks". I have already survived cancer once. I came into the surgeons office yesterday for a dressing change and they admitted me because i had fluid build up in one of the incisions. Here I sit, in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines, bored with way too much time to think.

I guess my questions are:

How do you keep from shutting the WS out?
How did you know you wanted to reconcile?

I'm posting in this forum because I said I would try. I really don't know if I want to try though. I've done my trying already and given twenty years of my life to a man who didn't love me enough to stay faithful. I'm struggling. Help.

[This message edited by JustOneMoreDay at 9:29 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

jjsr posted 4/12/2014 21:28 PM

First I want to say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation again. I don't know if its your way of coping or the beginning of the end. It is so recent. I can only speak for myself and if my FWH did it again it would be the end. I hope you can find some peace with the MC so that you can figure out what you need to do.

RippedSoul posted 4/12/2014 21:55 PM

We always read here that you shouldn't feel pressured to make any major decisions for at least 6 months to a year. In your case, with your current health challenge, I think you need to take that advice to heart even more than the rest of us. Just worry about you. If your WH is remorseful, great. Let him do whatever he needs to do. But you don't have to care right now. Or even care that you are or aren't caring.

Just get better. Build up your reserves. Find your support system (if your WH wants to be a part of it right now, fine; if nothing else, you need him and he owes you). Read. Eat. Drink. Breathe. Cry. Sleep. And begin to heal both physically and emotionally. When you are stronger, then you can make decisions.


Jrazz posted 4/12/2014 21:56 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that you have health concerns again... This on top of everything? Ugh.

Remember that you don't have to make a decision about the relationship right this second. Focus on your health - no good answers are going to present themselves about R right now.


JustOneMoreDay posted 4/12/2014 22:12 PM

Thank you guys. It helps knowing someone out there gets it.

I have been very clear to both WS and the MC that I have no intention of making a decision right now. I actually think that we will be looking for a new MC because the current one has said a couple of things that put us both off such as telling my H he thought it was odd that he gave me access to his cell phone and passwords, etc because there should be some measure of trust. Plus, he never suggests anything or gives us any ideas.

I start IC this week. I'm hoping that will help. I need to find an effective way of coping other than shutting down for my own sake because disassociating is how I always deal. I have always had to be the strong one and in my family, that meant shutting down so you could help others deal with their emotions. I feel like a robot and I don't want to anymore.

JustOneMoreDay posted 4/12/2014 22:12 PM

Double post.

[This message edited by JustOneMoreDay at 10:14 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

PinkJeepLady posted 4/12/2014 22:32 PM

(((JOMD))) So sorry to hear you are in the hospital, please take care! Wow, you are going through so much. I hope you heal soon.

Good questions you asked. I am almost 2 years out and I am wondering how I did know if I wanted to R? I don't even remember making a deliberate decision, it seems like it just happened? I do know what kept me going was the little glimpses I would see of the good person my fwh is. There has been a whole lot of crazy bad stuff, but then I would see something positive and keep going. But, as for the beginning I am wondering if I stayed because it would be so embarrassing for ME if people knew what he did. Mostly, I care about my kids and what they would have to deal with. Most of them are grown but I still worry about them.

Deciding to try to R is a big decision, but it seems like one that doesn't have to be rushed. R seems to be a lengthy process, at least in my case. I also didn't want to rush to D and then live with regrets that maybe I should have given him a chance, KWIM? So there is that also.

Yeah R is going to mean to can't completely shut him out! It will take both of you working together. That's the tricky part to me, trying to be nice and supportive to someone who you are just so angry and disgusted with (at times). I don't know all the answers, just keep posting and getting advice. The fabulous people on SI have helped me through many a rough patch in this nightmare journey!

Just want you to know you are supported and I hear you, hang in there and listen to your heart. You will know what is right for you!

SadInNC posted 4/12/2014 23:19 PM

Hi JustOneMoreDay. I think the most important thing right now is your health and getting better. If you aren't ready to make a decision and want to keep walls up than go right ahead, sister. He didn't ask you if he could have sex with someone else, so you don't have to ask him if it's ok to shut him out.

Just take your time to think about it as you heal. This is DDay number 2. That's a big deal. Can you or do you want to go through all of that heartache again? Is he worth it? Is your M worth it?

Take your time. Do the 180 and detach from him. Regain your strength. You'll know what you want soon enough.

Sending prayers and strength to you.

JustOneMoreDay posted 4/12/2014 23:50 PM

Can't sleep.

I feel really resentful that my current health scare means that I have to rely on him to some degree. When I was waiting for surgery on Wednesday and he was sitting there waiting with me, it felt wrong. I don't feel comfortable when we are in the same room. The safeness is gone. Feeling like he has my back is gone. It isn't the two of us against the world anymore.

I really hope IC helps. I hope the IC can also give me a referral for a better MC who has some experience with infidelity because we, at least, need to be able to effectively co-parent.

Gotmegood posted 4/13/2014 00:00 AM

You know JOMD, that it's the second time around, and just as shocking and painful for you, I think is part of why you are feeling 'like a robot'....numb would you say? I think your body is in protective mode, dealing with only what it can manage. Kind of a protective 180 in a way. You are who is important right now. You are who matters right now. And, you are in the drivers seat.
As everyone else has iterated, focus on you and your health. What WH does or doesn't do now is out of your control. If he opts to be an empathetic and remorseful healer, and boy he ought to be, he can do it on his own right now. You clearly are in protective mode right you should be. Best of luck with all you are facing. (((Hug))))

sisoon posted 4/13/2014 16:03 PM

I hope for the best WRT your health concerns.

I chose to R because I watched my W for 90 days, and she consistently behaved as if R was what she wanted. She did everything she could during those 90 days to R, even though she knew I was not yet committed. She's continued to do the work.

I'm so sorry for your 2nd D-Day, especially after 18 months. Less than a month from that revelation, it makes perfect sense that you'd be leaning very much against R.

But your health has to be your first priority - that would be true even in true R.

Your current MC clearly lacks understanding of recovering from infidelity. It may be paradoxical, but a remorseful WS can most definitely help his/her BS heal, and one of the ways s/he does that is by being transparent - at least that my experience, and I'm not alone.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:10 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

JustOneMoreDay posted 4/13/2014 19:33 PM

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses.

I think the second time around is more painful than the first. Ten years ago, there was some measure of comfort from believing that he didn't understand how much pain he was going to cause me. There isn't any of that same comfort this time. He knew. He chose to do it anyway. He had the opportunity to warn me before she showed up at my work and he didn't. Lucky for him, she didn't out him that day. He knew though that she was going to call me and spill the beans but he didn't forewarn about that either. He let her tell me very painfully and in front of all my coworkers. It's hard to wrap my mind around the cruel things he did. It's hard for me to look at him and believe that there is even a good person in there.

We definitely need a new MC and I have no idea how to get one. There isn't too many of them around here. We have had four of them over the years. Three of them had zero clue on the subject of infidelity. The good one has since retired. I hate paying someone only to find out they suck. How do you find a good mc?

I have asked him to post here on the wayward forum but he has yet to do that. I know he registered but no posts. Is that an unreasonable request?

rachelc posted 4/13/2014 19:41 PM

I think the second time around is more painful than the first. There isn't any of that same comfort this time. He knew. He chose to do it anyway.

This is why I can't forgive my husband..,
So sorry you're here... Hugs! Focus on you!!

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/13/2014 20:29 PM

JOMD- I hope you feel better, I couldn't imagine what having health problems right now, during all this turmoil would be like! Sending hugs!

Why did I stay (so far)? Because I wasn't ready for the future we had been building to be over yet. We had an 8 day old son, we had plans and dreams. I wasn't ready to let go of a relationship that I had worked so hard in just yet. Having said that, I have yo yoed over the last 3 months, but I always come back to staying. Helps that WH has and continues to do all of the things expected of someone who wants R. So right now I watch and I wait and I see.

I wanted to ask how his first affair was handled at the time. To me that seems to be a big indicator of where his mind may have been. For instance, did he do IC back then and work on why he had done what he had done? Did he take full responsibility etc and do all the right things, or was it all rug swept and you were left to deal with forgiving or not on your own? To me, if he did all the hard work expected of a WH then his decision to then participate in another affair (to me) is quite telling of the person he is. For me it would be a deal breaker, I couldn't go through this pain and suffering again. However, if it was handled the best, maybe the impact of the affair on him was a lot less then it should have been and the lessons that should have been learnt were not. Therefore, maybe there is a bit of room to give him before calling it quits altogether.

No matter what, I hope you find some peace and some solace from this site!

JustOneMoreDay posted 4/13/2014 21:06 PM

The first affair wasn't really dealt with at all. We went to MC and I went to IC but he was in the throws of a major drug addiction. It was easy to think that he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't been a drug addict. He got sober but even then, he did it without help or any kind of program. If nothing else, I thought he "got" how much it hurt me and over time, I really didn't believe that he was capable of hurting me like that again.

I see him heading in the right direction this time. He is transparent, changed his cell number, blocked her, and wrote the nc letter. He set up MC and is waiting on a referral for IC. He says all the right things. I, however, have no faith left. I don't feel like he deserves another chance and nothing he is doing is making me feel any better. I can't tell if he is remorseful or just regretful. Btw, OW claims she is pregnant but she was messing around with other MM(including my H's two best friends) so who knows. There was also a threesome between my h, the OW, and one of the friends. The friends wife does not know.

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/13/2014 22:04 PM

I could totally understand if you just felt dead inside. I felt that way the weeks following Dday and it was only the first time. The fact that the first time around the process that you would hope would be followed didn't happen could mean there is hope of change. It sounds like your WH has a culture of selfishness, the drugs, the affairs etc, that was really never addressed. There was a band aid put on it without a real reflective process about WHY!! My WH is a bit the same, not long after we got together he was busted with a gambling habit, I thought he would have learnt from that, but same sort of thing, he went to a couple of sessions and we moved quickly onto how to cope with the future, not why he thought it was ok to lie and use our money to fulfil his selfish need. So now we are here where his self gratifying behaviour has escalated into an affair. For him its about the "quick win" and the attention. He 'says' now that he no longer wants to live life that way! Maybe just for now, use him for what you need, however that looks. Keep your walls up and just watch for however long it works for you. Don't hope for anything, don't make any major life changes and just watch. The fact that you are here and asking this question makes me think no matter how you are feeling about him, you are not quite ready to let go.

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