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Manipulated and deceived

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Brad4714 posted 4/12/2014 23:47 PM

For me the DD was 8 days ago and I feel the need to share.

I'm sure I could write a book but I'm keeping this to the last few days of realization. My WW of 15 years and 3 kids have been doing a trial sep to see if she can "love me" again. Originally had a nesting agreement that turned into me taking the kids on the weekend to an extra house my family had. Was told that the last 2.5 months did nothing for her because she was so stressed out about not having a place to go. Her mom was more than welcoming but whatever. I thought it would help.

This went about 3 weeks before I finally wanted to have a good talk with her about how our finances were out of control and how 3 months on limbo and nothing from her wasn't productive.

WW comes over upset. WW tells me there really is an OM after months of assurances there isn't. And "that now he doesn't want me because I'm married" (blubbering upset)

Really? You just told your husband you've been cheating but that you are upset about that relationship because it's having problems? The audacity! Incomprehensible!

Few days later and at this point I have an appointment with the lawyer. I'm told it's still over with the OM and that maybe she would consider although she doesn't know how I could trust her again. WW tells me on a Monday that two of my kids are sick and if I could take care of them since I have vacation and she does not at her 3 day per week job. Ok.

She had changed cell phones a while back because her old one had a problem. Little did she know that I had seen her enter her new secret passcode a while back on the new one. Works on the old one. Facebook account still works. Wish I could unsee what I did. She has been leading a double life where she doesn't even talk the same for months and months. All the while I have been paying for their fun because between the two they don't make shit. The web of blatant lies this uncovered shows me that almost everything told to me in the last year could be a lie.

I've been trying to get more truth from WW for a couple days since I captured my evidence. She tells me it's no one I know and no one from work or my girls dance. (OM is a co-worker). So I ask if I don't know them then what's his name? Long pause "steve." Alright, what does "Steve" do then? Longer pause - "ups, he works for ups."

She also tells me it was 3 months ago and they broke it off 2 months ago. Facebook says otherwise. And "Steve" does not even sort of resemble this winner of an OM.

Now I tried to retake my house because the sep isn't doing a damn thing for me. She freaks. WW told me she never had given this any thought that I would want a divorce and the gravy train would cease. Once again, really? You choose to wreck a family and never thought it would come up? Delusional!

I'm not really sure how I'm going to deal with WW in regards to my kids. I feel such animosity towards her because of the sheer number of things that were fabricated to manipulate me. Today I went to a dance performance that she was at. That bothered me . Tomorrow is an early Easter thing i am invited to. I know it's self control but I know too much. How does this get better when having to deal with kids?

Tearsoflove posted 4/13/2014 02:34 AM


You've done well with not revealing the information you've already found on her. She's still lying and covering her ass so she's not really remorseful, she's just sorry she got caught.

Read up on the 180 and begin implementation immediately. The 180 is not a way to get her to come to her senses, it's a survival tool for you to begin to detach yourself from her and make yourself emotionally healthy. This is the best way to deal with an unremorseful wayward. You'll find a pretty good explanation of it here:

stronger08 posted 4/13/2014 07:18 AM

Just to clear up a few things you have mentioned about your story. The so called trial separation was nothing but a smoke screen for her to engage in an illicit A. OM never wanted a relationship with her. Matter of fact he most likely picked her dumb ass out because she is M. Naturally OM made promises of love and plied her with attention and compliments. As you were basically financing the A he used it to get laid with NSA for as long as he could keep her at arms length. She fell for his lies like many WS do and when she called him on his promises he balked. Now that OM used her for his personal sex doll and has had his fill she wants back into the M. Sorry pal, your just plan B. She got played by
OM and now she is trying to play you as well. I hope you do not fall for this bullshit my man. To make a long story short, she went out lied and manipulated you, disrespected you in a most foul and underhanded way. Now she wants to use you some more and cry her way back into her comfy spot as W and mother.

If you take her back without suffering any consequence of her actions she is simply going to do it again. I don't care how much she says she is sorry because she is not. If you want any chance of your M surviving in a healthy way you must insist that she take a course of action to change her ways. She needs to find out why she behaves this way, take 100% responsibility, do the hard work of to make said change. Words just don't cut here in infidelity land. She had NP entering into a "Trial separation" so she could go and screw the OM. I don't see why she should not have to live alone because she was busted. Make her experience life without you in it. No support in any shape or form. She needs to show you through action that she is changing. Personally I'd go ahead with the D. It shows her you will not put up with her shit and protects you should she start up her antics again. It gives her time to get herself together and show you just how sincere she is in her claims of change. Who says that if your satisfied with her actions of change that you cant remarry her sometime down the road ?

I can promise you one thing my man. If you allow her back in without repercussion for her behaviors she is just going to do it gain. Because the more you give, the more she will take. She has already walked all over you like a cheap rug. And if you don't do something about it she's just going to do it again. She is betting that your fear of losing her is going to overtake your common sense and let her get away with this. Whatever you do don't show any fear or sorrow. She feeds off this and will make your life even more miserable then she already has. Keep in mind that her A has/had nothing to do with you as a H. You have no blame in her piss poor choices and should not have to be expected to pick up the pieces of her broken life. I can guarantee you one thing. If you take her back now OM is going to see that your a pussy and start up the
A again on your dime. He wants to get laid while your dumb ass sits at home towing the line and holding down the fort. That's just fact bro !!! I know cause I've been there myself. Your situation is not unique, matter of fact its pretty much run of the mill. Stand tall and take a hard line now. If you don't your misery will not only continue, it will get worse. I'm sorry your here bro, please keep posting and reading. Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. But if anything good came of this, its the fact you found this site and its great members. Follow their advice and you will be OK.

shiloe posted 4/13/2014 07:45 AM

WW comes over upset. WW tells me there really is an OM after months of assurances there isn't. And "that now he doesn't want me because I'm married" (blubbering upset)

Wow, that's just wrong on so many levels. It's all about her

I agree with every word Stronger said. She wanted a trial sep to see if she could love you again???!!
That is so cruel. She just wanteded to be with the OM unencumbered and show him she was going to be free to be with him. What a POS OM "he doesn't want her because she is married"

So he is single? Let him have her.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:46 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

Merlin posted 4/13/2014 07:59 AM

To Betrayed's, our wanderers often present many symptoms of mental illness. And that may be.

But the collateral effects to children, ourselves and (as you've discovered - finances) are profound. Meanwhile - it's all about them.

So OM may (or may not) have dumped her, a frequent enough event. Just read here a bit. But a lot a damage is done, sometimes to be overcome, sometimes not.

In these early days, it's very hard to know what to do. And so we are left with going through the motions while dozens of questions swirl in our heads and hearts.

Your WW needs to understand and accept that she has put your children, your family and your marriage at grave risk. Meanwhile you need to protect your children and yourself. And like it or not , that is your job. It's a big one.

Read up on the 180 and implement it fully. She needs to know what life without you and her family is like - coldly, clearly. You need the time you were investing in her to find whatever sanity and stability you can for you and your kids. Her narcissism will not fade on its own.

Find a counselor for yourself. This stuff is overwhelming.

Financially, you need to protect all joint accounts - banks, debit cards, credit cards, home equity lines, retirement accounts - anywhere cash can be found.

And file for divorce, even if you need to stop later if you see clearly that both of you may really want to try and save your marriage.

All of this is awful and sad and lonely.

But there are many here to listen and offer perspective and advice. So post here too.

You are stronger than you know. It's a shame to discover just how strong you are through infidelity.

Merlin posted 4/13/2014 08:01 AM

This is the basics of a 180. Please read as soon as possible.

adriana1980 posted 4/13/2014 09:00 AM

There is no point to rewrite Stronger08's post so I'll just say that your wife played you for a fool and you're accepting it. Just exposed the OM and file for a divorce if you want to save some dignity as a man.

craig2001 posted 4/13/2014 10:12 AM

It is obvious there are lies and BS being deceived, otherwise it wouldnt be an affair.

The WS lives in a complete fantasy world, not based in reality and they compartmentalize to the point they actually are living two lives.

That is why the BS cannot understand how they can lie and deceive us like they do. It is not really like they are purposely making us out to look like fools, but that is how it ends up being.

First of all Brad, your wife needs to stop the game playing and lying right now. No more hiding of this OM. The first name nonsense.

She needs to start answering all of your questions right now and you need to be assured that the affair is over and not gone underground.

If this OM dropped her because he just found out she is married, than she lied to him as well. Makes you wonder why she told him she was married.

At this time, you feel like a fool and you are not, not even close to a fool. Anyone lied to by someone they trust is going to believe until they find out. And that does not make a BS a fool.

How long was her affair and how did they meet.

The more you know, the more you can control the future. Your wife just lost her freedom of coming and going whenever she wants to and the privacy of her emails, phone etc.

Finding out about affairs makes us feel like we have no control over our lives and that is one of the worst feelings. By learning as much as you can about what happened, you can start to regain control.

Jeaniegirl posted 4/13/2014 12:00 PM

Take your home back ASAP

Brad4714 posted 4/13/2014 13:12 PM

From what I saw she was texting one of her old friends that she's been lying to about "working on" the relationship. Apparently he saw it, got jealous and thought she was seeing me (and she had been for dinner a week before, keeping me just hopeful enough to keep the $ rolling). I have no proof but am sure things are back on with OM but I am so far beyond that even mattering to me now.

I've actually been doing much of the 180 but am taking it much farther today. WW is obviously sensing this and it starting to text me a LOT! Not giving much back.

The next step is she gets served - hopefully in 2 days. I am sure it will only be a short matter of time before I go back to my home. I can't give her 30 days. She is fucked because of herself. There's a playhouse in the back yard if she needs a place of her own. This is just what happens when you go down to the mall to forever 21 and forget to leave...

Of course I still don't want this but when I look at the facts waiting around is just asking to get played more. WW's mom told me to stand up for myself many times. After finding out more of her family history in the last few months and comparing that to the psychological profile of a cheater I'm seeing that redemption may not be possible. Time to cut my losses and move on. It's all in her hands now.

5454real posted 4/13/2014 13:38 PM

Welcome brother, sorry you had to be here, glad you made it. All things being equal, you're doing pretty well. However.....

It's all in her hands now.

Nope, it's in yours. The 180 is all about putting the power back into your hands. It has nothing to do with her or fixing your M except tangentially.

You fix you. When you've built yourself back up, maybe she will have had an *ah-ha* moment and taken steps to *fix* herself and the damage she has done. Meanwhile, move your life forward without her.


OK now posted 4/14/2014 06:17 AM

As you yourself have implied, too much damage to rebuild. Time to cut your losses and behave selfishly, with your own interests in mind; you and the kids first and your soon to be ex-wife a poor last.

You can't rebuild with a WS of such extreme selfishness. Its all about her and her needs. She's emotionally committed to the OM let him have her; for as longs as he wants, which doesn't sound much beyond the next few weeks.

Caretaker1 posted 4/14/2014 06:56 AM

IC and divorce care groups can help, exercise, eat right and limit alcohol although sometimes it's OK....mentally ill and psychologically and emotionally immature, you will go through pain and anger. It will be a roller coaster, some days ok some days laughter returns, some days triggered back and wanting to not get out of bed.

Mine acted like this also but when she found her OM months after we filed, she was fishing if I did and when asked denied her finding a divorcee. Mine parades her new man around town and was quickly placed into the fabric of her family. It will be soon they are engaged and she will be remarried. I knew a divorce was necessary from this emotional vampire. I was last on her list but first on making sure house, kids, herself were all cared for. That's slavery not a supportive person to walk through life with. Looking back so many red flags. She was rageful angry and hostile then down over such small things. Therapy made it worse. She exaggerated my faults to her family and in turn they rescued the damsel in distress again. She was awful with money, is impulsive, said she was raped when she was younger, but when pressed the story changed. I'm reading their are unfixable people, read about personality disorders that fall under cluster B psychological issues. It may explain her. Is their anything medically wrong? Are you the primary caretaker of the children and breadwinner? This is going to be an expensive fight. Life will be forever changed. They seem to regress to their teen and 20 something days. Did she show any signs of illogical behavior before thus?

With kids 180 is so very hard. Limit things to email and text. Also it's OK to grieve. Your WW like many on this site show crazy behavior. If she is remorseful and you wish to try, try. There is help out there for this. Research reconciliation programs that can help. If successful, you may end up stronger together. Divorce has so many impacts. It will be a life of forever sharing your kids. Yes many make it work, but it still is less time spent with them. Nothing we can do but muddle through and face the reality, as life marches on.

The other man showed some character by cutting it off once he found out she was married. It's your wife that is nuts and a shithead. You deserve better but also use this time to look within. Problems exist in all marriages. She crossed a major boundary. Deep breathes, minute by minute....

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 7:05 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

Brad4714 posted 4/19/2014 23:51 PM

We'll my WS had been showing signs of remorse and has said that it was over with the OM but I have had my doubts. She showed me her phone and blah blah blah and said she would go to counseling more blah blah blah. She's been sharing her whereabouts and all that. We had a major blowup because I was 99% sure the affair was still going. I moved back into my home for a couple days. I got manipulated again because the deceiver has still had this power over me.

So as she has no respect for me she is shocked that I figured out she is going on a trip this weekend. We'll how did I figure that out without her access to Facebook? Doesn't matter but it was obvious. She tells me she is going with a particular friend to Oklahoma to shop. Ok. Because that's where I would go...

Since I was not going to be at my house as she convinced me to leave with the kids again and we have a dog I asked about the care of our dog. "She has it handled." The sirens are blaring in my head. So she's going shopping two states away, it's a secret, the dog is "handled", and I moved back out for the however many ith time.

Yesterday she texts me because she's out of printer ink and obviously can't figure out what to buy. I tell her, ok. But what does she need yellow ink for before the weekend where she's going shopping?

I stop by my house to get my drill and take a little snoop. Laptop on the kitchen table. She's been making things in Photoshop which have conveniently been permanently deleted from the desktop. Something is up. The om is involved in a break dance crew and she has made flyers before. But oh no, they broke it off...

A little Facebook sleuthing later and some friend of a friend "popper Juan" completes the picture. There is a dance battle today in Oklahoma City. And there it is. I am now finished with fucking around.

My divorce was placed on hold. I am not going to confront her but just go ahead and let her be served right quick as it's ready for the process server. Also hitting her with an atro to hopefully curtail "fun time" on my dime. I do make over 80% so she's still having a party. Party's over.

I'm not sure how I will handle things now. I am sick of living out of my home. She left the marriage so she needs to go. Last time it was "but where will I take the kids?" I don't know. I don't really thinks that's my problem. I didn't do this.

Whatever it Is will be on my terms from now on. I can be compassionate and not move back 100% but I'm sorry if she has to live on her moms couch on weekends. That is total bs.

She's been looking up apartments lately and freaking out because she can't even qualify. That sure must suck. Ugh. I don't even want to think about the excuses coming. Serving 1st then the hammer comes down. I wonder about exposure. My therapist avoided that question. I think it needs to come out because she must have friends brainwashed into thinking I've done things I havent. Then again... I don't know.

Uhtred posted 4/20/2014 00:28 AM

A dance battle? She's risking her family to go watch the other man have a dance battle? I agree with you that you need to pull that hammer back and fire the shot.

Damn man I'm sorry you and your kids are in this situation. Stay strong brother and do what you must. You will be in a better place for sure.

stronger08 posted 4/20/2014 03:38 AM

A little Facebook sleuthing later and some friend of a friend "popper Juan" completes the picture. There is a dance battle today in Oklahoma City. And there it is. I am now finished with fucking around.

Not to belittle your situation, but this is some funny shit. Dance battle ? Where the fuck do they find these guys ? One of my XWW's OM was a 45 year old pot smoking bum who was still trying to break into the comic book business. He actually got her to give him $1,400.00 because he was going to make a fortune in some Tee Shirt scheme. Needless to say he never paid her back a dime. She even called me up claiming poverty and crying because she could not pay her car insurance. My dumb ass paid it, but I did not know of the loan at the time. When I did find out about him stiffing her on my dime I made sure that debt was collected. It amazes me that they have NP financing their affairs with marital funds. Sounds like you have a good plan and I applaud you for closing the bank on her cheating ass.

One word of advice I have for you is to expose her and the A now. I say this because she is going to go on a smear campaign once she is served. You cutting off the financial tit is going to set her off. This will naturally lead to her lying about you and the A. Get the truth out before she gets a chance to spread her lies. Your are going to be portrayed as an abuser, deadbeat, cheater etc. so be ready for that. The great thing about the truth is that you only have to tell it once. Lies on the other hand need to be told over and over. And they spawn more lies that eventually bring the WS down. But by then some serious damage can be done to your reputation. Your plan sounds pretty sound, just make sure you are also prepared for the war that is coming. In their delirious minds the WS has to blame someone for their shitty lives and choices. And that someone is going to be you. Just make sure you follow through with your plan. Before or after her anger stage she is most likely going to try to play on your heart. Don't believe a word she says no matter how much crying and begging she does because its all a lie. And if you really want to have fun you can always send her a pair of retro Addidas sneakers, a Kango hat and a faux gold chain as a parting gift.

Brad4714 posted 4/20/2014 10:18 AM

And if you really want to have fun you can always send her a pair of retro Addidas sneakers, a Kango hat and a faux gold chain as a parting gift.

This made my day I really needed that lol! Doing the Easter thing with the kids by myself is rough anyway. Then last night was really just another discovery and I'm feeling the same shock as before. I do know it will get better though.

Badhurt posted 4/20/2014 12:57 PM

Brad, you are NOT manipulated or deceived any more. You know EXACTLY what she is doing. It would be laughable to think she is going two states away to a dance competition and just so happens OM is going to be there. All the while she is talking about possible R with you. This is more than disrespectful. It is contemptuous!!
You need to accelerate of skip any 180 stuff, get your legal ducks in a row, and present her with D papers as quick as you can get them printed.
And if i were you i would take no prisoners!

norabird posted 4/20/2014 23:05 PM

Please get back into your house and get her onto someone's couch now. The kids can stay with you in the marital home, no? I'm glad she's being served, time now to be serious about custody and figure out both what your ideal situation is and what is best for the kids, and then how to get there.

The folks in the Divorce/Separation forum are very helpful if you have questions on details of this mess.

Good luck to you Brad. Your WW is the fool.

shiloe posted 4/21/2014 13:20 PM

She's been looking up apartments lately and freaking out because she can't even qualify

Not your problem. Tell her to ask her break dancing dude to help her with $ now.

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