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Starting the road to R?

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Cantthinkofaname posted 4/13/2014 04:46 AM

Well, I'm here. Didn't think I ever would be (does anyone?).

Six weeks ago I discovered that my H of 10 years had been on online sex sites for around 2 years and had met and slept with 2 women from these sites. Shocked doesn't even begin to describe it. I found out because he forgot to delete the computer history. Turns out he was on these sites pretty much all the time, had a secret phone, everything. I literally had no idea. I thought we were happy.

We have a DS, 5. I made H leave for a few weeks. I still can't believe that all of this has happened. He is home now, says he is so so sorry. Doesn't go near the computer etc. To be honest, he is doing everything "right" now and saying he will regret what he did for the rest of his life and he wants us to fix this, blah blah blah. He has started seeing a counsellor.

I'm just so up and down. I want to try and fix it, but is it even possible? I have realised that I just don't love him anymore. How can I? He destroyed me. I want my son to have a home with 2 parents though and feel selfish for thinking about seperation.

I didn't think it was possible to feel this bad.

Morhurt posted 4/13/2014 09:20 AM

Hugs ((cantthinkofaname)). I hear you and I remember the feeling so well. Don't even attempt to make a decision about your future right now. Focus in you. Focus on getting some sleep and eating and drinking water.
Read as much as you can. Start in the healing library. Keep posting.
We're here for you. The weekends are slow but more people will be along tomorrow.

dameia posted 4/13/2014 09:24 AM

I am so, so sorry you are here. No one ever wants to be here.

What you're feeling right now is perfectly natural. Your world has been turned upside down. It's said that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and trust me, the first year is the hardest, IMO.

Have you read any of the articles in the healing library? There are articles your WH can read as well.

As for separation or divorce, you don't have to make any decisions right now. I would urge you to take a few months to make a decision, or longer if necessary. You cannot fix your WH, only he can do that. And it's hard work on his part, but it can happen if he's committed to it.

I mean this as gently as possible, but at this point it's possible, even likely, that you don't have the full story. On this site it's called TT, which stands for trickle truth. It when the WS lets the BS know the truth a little bit at a time. It's soul-crushing.

Hugs to you, keep posting and reading. You will survive this!

sisoon posted 4/13/2014 14:38 PM

I just want to say that feeling your feelings is an important step in your healing, and your healings (+ your H's) is a requirement for R.

In other words, feeling awful is, IMO, the way to feel good again.

(((Cantthinkofaname))) - (((ID))) means hugs to you

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 15:12 PM

((CTOAN)), this is your name in an Acronym and a hug too.

So sorry you find yourself here.

I have realised that I just don't love him anymore. How can I? He destroyed me.

Many of us have had those thoughts.

I want to try and fix it, but is it even possible?

Well....right now I would say that YOU do not have to worry about fixing anyone but you do need to work on healing you. You are shocked, angry, heart-broken. Take care of yourself. Exercise will help with sleep. Sleep helps restore you. Drinking lots of water helps us do everything better.

To answer your last question. It IS possible to heal from this mess and it IS possible to have a marriage that not just survives but thrives. But it is a constant battle in the months following D-Day. I am glad to read that your H is in IC. Perhaps you can consider the same - someone to lean into right now. Help you through this mess.

As another posted suggested, read from the Healing Library. Lots of good book suggestions too. Keep posting. Talking to us here on SI.

Deep breaths. The days do get better.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:14 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

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