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How to respond?

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Lackingcourage posted 4/13/2014 11:18 AM

I got an email from WH this morning basically saying he doesn't trust himself not to screw up again, and if he doesn't trust himself I certainly can't so he wants a divorce. The problem is that he loves to get into deep, intensely emotional and personal conversations with people and with women it sometimes leads to affairs. Actually, it is this trait that made me fall in love with him. He says he likes this aspect of himself in terms of how he relates to people and doesn't want to give it up, but that he is going to try to learn boundaries, etc. He says he would love to be friends because he enjoys my company and loves me, but he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Oh, and then he had to throw in the line about how I'll be happier if I don't have to live in his "long shadow" anymore. Have I mentioned that he is locally very well known and loved? And that people always assume I work at his organization because it's so fabulous, how could I not? And that even when I tell people I have my own professional career, they still ask me about his work as if I hadn't said anything (ok, not all the time, but often enough). So, I am trying to come up with a non-emotional, non-resentful, "Oh, that's ok, thanks for sharing" kind of response and I am struggling. I have only been able to come up with really snarky responses. Maybe if I vent them here, it will be out of my system and I can actually write to him. Yes, I love getting deep too, but sometimes real life happens and kids need to get to activities, bills need to be paid, home repairs need to be done, there will be disagreements, and she won't always worship you. You could maintain these long-term affairs because you didn't have to deal with real life. You would both leave your jobs or kids in the middle of the day for some afternoon delight and spend hours just talking and talking without regard to your responsibilities. I find it astonishing you don't even know what she did with her children when you were together! I stopped sharing my deeper thoughts with you because you often told me I wasn't really telling you what I believed, that I was making it up. Yes, I shut you down too,and for that I apologize. You also never listened to what I was saying, and instead tried to tell me I needed to see things your way. And please, as you go on your merry way getting into deep conversations with people you just met, please try to limit those conversations to people whose marriages won't be put at risk. Don't you think 2 or maybe 3 failed marriages because of your behavior are enough? I think establishing a boundary of not talking to people of the opposite sex about their marital problems might be good place to start, since that's how several of your affairs started. AND if you had put a tiny fraction of your deeply personal and intimate conversation skills into talking with me about our marriage when I tried to engage you about it, we might not be in this place now. And the whole shadow thing? Please. Stop. That is not the problem. I haven't been jealous of your successes, but I have resented how much more important everything and everyone else is to you than me our our marriage. And did you really have to put that in the email? Let's just rub a little more salt in the wound about how successful and wonderful and loved you are and how boring my life is (and yes, he said to me on many occasions that he felt bad talking to me because his life is so exciting and mine is just not). So, there. That's out there. Now, what do I really say?

gonnabe2016 posted 4/13/2014 11:29 AM

Your response:
"Ok. I'll call my L in the morning."

That message he sent to you was nothing but a patronizing pile of crap.
F.T.(painfully immature)G.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/13/2014 11:35 AM

^^^ what gonnabe 2016 said.^^^

Best to deal with this type of person with detachment and a level of indifference otherwise
you'll get sucked back in.

Kajem posted 4/13/2014 11:52 AM

Either what gonna said or "I'm waiting to hear from your lawyer".


Since he puts himself on a pedestal, I would want to knock him off it in a most public way. I would contact my attorney and have him served in a most public way I could think of!

But that's just me being snarky on your behalf.


Must Survive posted 4/13/2014 12:25 PM

I would not respond at all. Think much of himself?
There is nothing to respond to. He told you what he thought. Your action item is to get lawyer and either file or wait until your lawyer hears from his lawyer. Do whatever is BEST for YOU. Personally I would be filing tomorrow. And because I do have a vindictive side, I would do what Kajem said and make it very noticeably to his "adoring" public what is going on. Unless your lawyer doesn't think it advisable.

You need to be totally NC (no contact) with this guy. It is obvious he likes ego kibbles from everyone. Don't give him any.

Lackingcourage posted 4/13/2014 13:58 PM

wow, pretty uniform responses. How come everyone sees this but me? But--ugh-- really? I can't say anything? Not even about his whole "long shadow" bit because that's offensive to me? I guess I can let go of the not talking to married women about the problems in their marriage because it does not affect me at all, and it's his problem if he wants to have a hand in wrecking another marriage and another couple of kids' lives. In terms of a public serving, I would like to have a collaborative divorce and I don't think I'd get very far by being so public. I have told a fair number of people though, so I'm assuming word will get around. He has asked me not to tell people the whole truth, especially his family (he just told them he had one affair). I have mixed feelings about it. Some whom I've told have seemed to be uncomfortable talking to me now, so that's unfortunate. Some people don't need to know. It's hard to know the balance. And the really odd thing is, I'm the one who wanted a divorce and was all set to go ahead with it when he wanted to get together a couple of weekends ago to talk, and then I got all confused again.

Klove posted 4/13/2014 14:04 PM

Say nothingggg and retain a lawyer.
He wants your attention and commenting on the long shadow bullllllllshiiiiiit is giving him that.
You know your own personal truth. He doesn't get to hear it anymore,

dmari posted 4/13/2014 14:22 PM

But--ugh-- really? I can't say anything? Not even about his whole "long shadow" bit because that's offensive to me? It won't matter to him. He believes what he believes because his head is soooo far up his ass. You will NOT get the response that you deserve from him and in fact, he absolutely knows that that is a button to push with you. Don't fall for it.

You know what I did when I read that part?

He is sooo in love with himself and whomever can adore him 24/7. He is so selfish and immature and so full of himself, he doesn't even realize how HIS behaviors and actions has damaged others. He won't see it. That is how he is able to live like this.

You, my beautiful friend, our much more multi-dimentional and deserve to be in a much much better place. I liked gonnabe2016's response but I would shorten it just a bit ... "K" or if you are generous "ok". No need to tell him you are calling your lawyer. Not his business.

Freeme posted 4/13/2014 17:45 PM

The person he should be having a deep meaningful conversion with is an IC. To better understand why he feels it's right to sleep with married women and destroy families.

tesla posted 4/13/2014 18:00 PM

His 'long shadow'???

I hate to tell you this, there is no good response for bullshit except actions.

Action #1: Retain lawyer.
Actions #2: File.

Crickets and fuck that guy.

Lackingcourage posted 4/13/2014 22:17 PM

So, I just sent a very business-like email thanking him for his honesty and telling him my lawyer's name and her firm, so that he doesn't try to retain anyone from that firm. I also reminded him that he couldn't use the lawyers (or their firms) that were involved in AP's divorce. I told him I couldn't be friends with him, but that obviously we would still communicate about kids and finances. I also told him that the foundation of the house may be starting to buckle and that might be a problem. And, as symbolic as it may seem, I really do mean our real house. The basement has always had cracks but now the wall is not even.... Karma?
One of the hardest emails I've ever had to write, but at least I kept it professional. Didn't even talk about shadows. And thank you, btw, for the support.

[This message edited by Lackingcourage at 10:28 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 4/16/2014 20:44 PM

It's very hard to realize that the person we loved wasn't who they really are.

I've had to move on and it's not the life I envisioned. BUT, I have a friend who lost a husband to cancer and lost a son because he had cerebral palsy from birth issues. So,,,, I have learned alot from her in the last year about taking life day by day, and looking at what we do have and going from there.

Lackingcourage posted 4/16/2014 21:40 PM

Thanks, Homewrecked. I find it all so confusing. He has emailed me in response and is promising to be kind and fair and generous in the settlement process. And I believe him, because he has often been that way. But what he didn't acknowledge in the past, because he was not aware, not in touch with his feelings, was that he resented it when I took him up on his offers of help or generosity ( we both struggle with co-dependency, but I think he more-so). Which is why I am a bit nervous about this next whole process. I really do need to look more at my blessings. I have been really sad tonight as this new reality sinks in. I feel so lonely and alone since I now live in this house by myself (and 2 cats who are great, but can't give me enveloping hugs, which is something I miss). I miss my husband ( but am way more relaxed without him around, ironically enough). I miss my kids. I miss the life I had. But the life I had wasn't so great when you have a husband who spends more time talking with anyone but you. And sleeps with some of them. So hard to adjust.

Caretaker1 posted 4/16/2014 21:52 PM

I'm older and find the adjustment liberating but also bittersweet. The pool is less to choose from. I miss having my kids full time in a loving home. Life will be forever sharing schedules, seeing kids half time. It sucks, but reality. I sometimes enjoy the notion that her constant drama, drubbing, OCD, bipolar I behavior is no longer oppressing and sucking the life out of a room, but the impacts are seeing the kids less because of that fucktard.

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