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Advice on in home separation

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Breezy150 posted 4/13/2014 13:21 PM

I need advice on how to make an in house separation work. I know that I want a separation, financially right now it would need to be in home. All we would have to share is the kitchen. My only fear is that being in the home I am afraid he would always be bothering me.

Do you draw up some sort of agreement or just move out of the bedroom and address issues as they arise?

This is my last effort with R being the long term goal. I want to separate with the hope that he will work on himself, he does a lot working on the M, but I have just recently realized that he is using working on the M as a way to not work on himself. Meanwhile I am torturing myself kind of trying to do his work. Trying to understand him and how he could do the things he has done. I didn't even see that I was more worried about him and what he was doing and thinking, I need to really concentrate on me, fixing and healing myself no matter what he is thinking. We both need a step back from each other.

Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

Leia posted 4/13/2014 16:27 PM

I just moved and let me assure you in-house S doesn't work. Don't do it. Move out, or file for S and kick him out. Just don't go down that road willingly. Hugs, and I hope you figure this out.

Breezy150 posted 4/13/2014 16:38 PM

Thank you, so much. If I left I would have to move into my mom's until some sort of settlement, spousal support, or a job came through. I just don't want to have to do that at my age.

Food for thought though.

dbellanon posted 4/13/2014 19:19 PM

So there are two tricky concepts in play here. One is the idea of a theraputic separation, and the other is the idea of an in-home separation.

Both of these ideas came up during the course of my frantic attempts to find any way to avoid divorce (Like most people on this part of the forum, I was not successful in avoiding it). I'm honestly very skeptical of both of them.

First, I'm skeptical of the idea of an in-house separation being successful as a theraputic separation. It's very unlikely that you'll be able to get the kind of space you need while living in the same house, and the fact that you're not actively putting effort into improving your relationship will make whatever interaction you do have all the more stressful.

Second, I'm skeptical of the concept of a theraputic separation in general. Once you're separated, it's going to be ten times harder to get back into R mode. It's very likely just to be another step on the road to divorce.

Now my in-home separation was not theraputic, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I am curious to see if you hear from anyone for whom this kind of strategy has been successful.

You might want to try posting this in the Reconciliation forum if you haven't already. I think most people here are dealing with separation and divorce as part of a marriage that has already failed.

Breezy150 posted 4/13/2014 20:07 PM

Thank you, that is pretty much what I was thinking. It was a last ditch effort for me. I don't really believe there is any hope any more.

damnUnicorns posted 4/13/2014 21:03 PM

Yeah. In house sucks! Maybe it'd be fbetter since you ultimately want to R!?

All I can say is tension& hurt feelings abound the way mine's going. It's harsh, but then my H is seeing an OW.

Why not TALK TO YOUR H (I'm sure you've tried) and tell him that's your next step if he doesn't work on HIMSELF& GIVE YOU SPACE to do the same. Separate bedrooms, free time, all that.

Wish my H had gone that route.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:06 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

nekorb posted 4/13/2014 21:15 PM

In house S sucks. It just does. There's this palpable tension in the air all the time.

If your WH isn't going to do the work on himself, he can work on the M til the cows come home and it won't make any difference.

Have you consulted a L? Can you get a temporary support order?

TrustedHer posted 4/13/2014 21:30 PM

In house separation was 4 months in Hell.

I was having pretty intensive therapy, perfecting the 180, and trying to develop a social life using meetup.com, which did work to keep me entertained.

Each and every day, there was the risk of running into STBX in the house. In the kitchen. On the road. She tried to talk to me, to act like everything was ok.

I didn't have anything I could call my own. Not a space, not a place, not even furniture.

Then came the day I got orders giving me exclusive possession of the house. She took everything she wanted, and I went to yard sales and bought "new" furniture, which I'm still using.

My healing picked up steam the minute I changed the locks.

I made more progress in the next month than I had the previous 4.

I understand the necessity, but do whatever you can to make it as short as possible.

ETA: This was written from the perspective of one who was headed for D, of course. I have no clue how S with intent to R would work, whether in house or separate.

[This message edited by TrustedHer at 9:32 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/14/2014 08:20 AM

I did in-house for three months. It wasn't great but it was do-able. What made it work for me was that the house was huge and he was doing everything possible to make like a nice guy.

SeanFLA posted 4/14/2014 10:19 AM

Did it for 14 months...pure hell. I would never advise anyone in here to attempt it if they have the means to physically separate. If it goes horribly, it will really go extremely horribly. If you don't have children to consider and you know deep inside it's over, why stay really and put yourself through it? I would have certainly entertained living with my mother if she was closer than deal with the women she turned into once discovery was made. Plus if you have a good relationship with your mom it can be good (and cheap) therapy to have someone to talk with often.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/14/2014 10:47 AM

We did it and it was HELL... we separated and it was okay because I could breath and not see the lies in my face... Move back home to false R and now doing in house S once again and this time it is more than HELL! It is horrific and is killing me slowly. I am trying to find another place to live as we speak and he is still talking either to the OW or a new one. It sucks....

tryingagain74 posted 4/14/2014 13:37 PM

I did it for eight months. I wish I had just kicked him out. It was tense; I absolutely hated it. Here we were, playing house for our children's sakes until I could find a new home. Basically, my ex got to have his cake and eat it too-- he kept up the facade of "family man," didn't have to move out and live uncomfortably for a while until the legal agreement was settled, AND he kept up his relationship with his AP, though he kept it underground.

However, if you are truly working on R, though, then I can see why you wouldn't kick him out. If you are the only one working on R, then Hefty bag his stuff and tell him to find a couch to sleep on. I was in such shock and wanted desperately to protect my children, but what I was really protecting was my ex's image with them (and maybe my own a little bit as well-- we carried on like nothing was wrong in public until I left).

If you need a "step back," then he should leave. Constantly crossing paths and feeling angry or tense will not help.

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