Do you draw up some sort of agreement or just move out of the bedroom and address issues as they arise?
This is my last effort with R being the long term goal. I want to separate with the hope that he will work on himself, he does a lot working on the M, but I have just recently realized that he is using working on the M as a way to not work on himself. Meanwhile I am torturing myself kind of trying to do his work. Trying to understand him and how he could do the things he has done. I didn't even see that I was more worried about him and what he was doing and thinking, I need to really concentrate on me, fixing and healing myself no matter what he is thinking. We both need a step back from each other.
Any advice is welcome. Thank you.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
Food for thought though.
Both of these ideas came up during the course of my frantic attempts to find any way to avoid divorce (Like most people on this part of the forum, I was not successful in avoiding it). I'm honestly very skeptical of both of them.
First, I'm skeptical of the idea of an in-house separation being successful as a theraputic separation. It's very unlikely that you'll be able to get the kind of space you need while living in the same house, and the fact that you're not actively putting effort into improving your relationship will make whatever interaction you do have all the more stressful.
Second, I'm skeptical of the concept of a theraputic separation in general. Once you're separated, it's going to be ten times harder to get back into R mode. It's very likely just to be another step on the road to divorce.
Now my in-home separation was not theraputic, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I am curious to see if you hear from anyone for whom this kind of strategy has been successful.
You might want to try posting this in the Reconciliation forum if you haven't already. I think most people here are dealing with separation and divorce as part of a marriage that has already failed.
All I can say is tension& hurt feelings abound the way mine's going. It's harsh, but then my H is seeing an OW.
Why not TALK TO YOUR H (I'm sure you've tried) and tell him that's your next step if he doesn't work on HIMSELF& GIVE YOU SPACE to do the same. Separate bedrooms, free time, all that.
Wish my H had gone that route.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:06 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]
If your WH isn't going to do the work on himself, he can work on the M til the cows come home and it won't make any difference.
Have you consulted a L? Can you get a temporary support order?
I was having pretty intensive therapy, perfecting the 180, and trying to develop a social life using meetup.com, which did work to keep me entertained.
Each and every day, there was the risk of running into STBX in the house. In the kitchen. On the road. She tried to talk to me, to act like everything was ok.
I didn't have anything I could call my own. Not a space, not a place, not even furniture.
Then came the day I got orders giving me exclusive possession of the house. She took everything she wanted, and I went to yard sales and bought "new" furniture, which I'm still using.
My healing picked up steam the minute I changed the locks.
I made more progress in the next month than I had the previous 4.
I understand the necessity, but do whatever you can to make it as short as possible.
ETA: This was written from the perspective of one who was headed for D, of course. I have no clue how S with intent to R would work, whether in house or separate.
[This message edited by TrustedHer at 9:32 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
However, if you are truly working on R, though, then I can see why you wouldn't kick him out. If you are the only one working on R, then Hefty bag his stuff and tell him to find a couch to sleep on. I was in such shock and wanted desperately to protect my children, but what I was really protecting was my ex's image with them (and maybe my own a little bit as well-- we carried on like nothing was wrong in public until I left).
If you need a "step back," then he should leave. Constantly crossing paths and feeling angry or tense will not help.