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MadeOfScars posted 4/13/2014 14:20 PM

This time next week, I'll officially be a single man for the first time in 9 years, not including the nearly 3 years we lived together before marriage. Wow. It still doesn't seem real. My marriage, for all intents and purposes, ended on d-day, January 20th, 2014. It's the finality of it all though that has me throwing myself a mini pity-party today. Maybe its the grey, overcast weather here. Maybe it's the allergies that are really messing with me today and contributed to a rough night sleep wise. Maybe its that Sunday used to be our lazy lay around the house day, the same house I share now only with my dog. That dog is a life savor, but still far from a replacement for the love that used to fill this home.

I feel like I'm doing pretty damn well overall, considering. In the past 3 months I've made some very positive changes. I've reconnected with myself, with family and friends, and I've got an overall optimistic perspective of the future ahead of me. I really think I will still find "the one." I believe I will get to have a child, a family, that which I gave up for the stbxww because I loved her more than the idea of kids without her. Today is just rough though.

I sacrificed so much for her. I gave her my all. I loved her unconditionally and so very deeply. She just so effortlessly gave it all away. She walked away from me, mutual friends, and my family. Just like that. She lied. She cheated. She left me for dead. This same woman still has the nerve to address me like we're somehow friends. She seems to glide over all without a care in the world or any regard for the damage she did. I deserved so much more, so much more. In all this though, I really hoped she'd at least make an attempt to reverse this. I hoped to see something from her that showed me I really did matter, at least once. I hate to say it because I know it sounds petty, but I wanted the opportunity to reject her, to "pay her back" in some small way for what she did. That opportunity will never come. There are so many questions I will never have answers to, the biggest one simply being "why?" I have to learn to live with that and see her actions not as a reflection of me, but of her. Easier said than done sometimes.

It's almost over, or so I hope.

lilacs40 posted 4/13/2014 14:51 PM

It's sad I know. But you sound like you have a good attitude. Keep that up, it could make a world of difference. Be kind to yourself over the next couple of weeks. You deserve it!

nowiknow23 posted 4/13/2014 14:55 PM

((((MOS)))) It's ok to be low, hon. This is big stuff, and the closer it comes to being final, the more reflection, introspection, and processing you'll be doing. It can be empowering and freeing one minute and bittersweet the next. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to feel all the flavors of this as they come.

Sending you strength for the week ahead.

SBB posted 4/13/2014 17:55 PM

What helped me get through the whys was realising that he was always going to cheat on his wife - I just happened to be the poor sod married to him. It is just how he is built. There was nothing I could do to change that.

Self reflection is a step in the right direction. I didn't make him cheat but there is something in me that gravitated to this kind of man. I can't fix him but I can fix myself.

Remember they don't cheat because we aren't enough - they cheat because they aren't enough.

MadeOfScars posted 4/13/2014 20:12 PM

Thanks yet again. I need to make that my tagline. It truly is amazing to me how this site comes to my support, and then I look through the forums and see those same people dealing with their own hell. I am hopeful once next week is over, I will be able to focus much more on paying it forward. Thanks again for the strength and the kind words.

Self reflection is a step in the right direction. I didn't make him cheat but there is something in me that gravitated to this kind of man. I can't fix him but I can fix myself.

Been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting. I think back not just to the last few months, but back to when I met her. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but there are a few things from the first weeks of us meeting that I now see as red flags. I realize we were both very young when we met, and we both had nothing but some spectacularly failed relationships in our past. Still, her recounting of an ex boyfriend troubled me even then, specifically her saying "he wouldn't have sex with me enough, so I had to get it somewhere else." Duh. Red flag much? Our relationship almost didn't happen over another incident. When we were still figuring out what we were to each other shortly after we met, I was quite smitten. At the same time, we weren't a couple "officially" quite yet, nor was either one of us led to believe otherwise. So, when one night she didn't show up at the apartment I shared with her sister and her boyfriend (the boyfriend was a friend of mine and the reason we I ever met stbxww's sister, and thus stbxww), I didn't think much of it. Turned out, she was sleeping with a friend of her's that night.

Now, again, we weren't exclusive then, and the stbxww and I hadn't been intimate with each other to that point, so no harm, no foul, right? Well, it was a different story after I had been introduced to her "friend" and we'd hung out several times. I didn't learn until several weeks into our relationship that this guy who was seemingly a friend to me now was her long-time crush. I didn't learn that there had been anything between them until several weeks in that they had slept together since we knew each other. Had that been divulged earlier, it really wouldn't have been as big of a deal. The fact that she intentionally hid this for as long as she did still gets me. It's funny that this guy's name came up out-of-the-blue shortly before d-day. It was sort of a "we should all hang out again" thing. He can have her until she cheats on him.

Point is, I now will question the signs and explore what attracts me to women who cheat and leave. Every significant relationship I've had has ended the same way, but the stbxww left the biggest scar. i don't plan on adding another such scar.

norabird posted 4/13/2014 21:58 PM

It would be abnormal not to feel this way--a bit lost and disoriented. It's good that the divorce won't be dragged out, but how does anyone process a 180 like that, over three months? Of course part of you was still hoping she would step up to fight and say this was all a mistake. Of course the finality is sinking in. It will be hard but you are right, too, when you say that you are doing pretty damn well. You haven't given in to bitterness or anger. You have been thoughtful, and acknowledged your feelings without either abandoning yourself to them or shutting them off and running for a distraction. Your healing is underway already; even the more down days don't negate that. In fact as NIK says, letting the emotions be and sitting with them is part of healing.

You are a good, kind man with a strong sense of integrity and a great deal of tenderness, and you are mourning as you sort out this sea change. There is no need to apologize for that. Keep giving yourself the gift of acceptance--even the acceptance of struggling against acceptance!--and be proud of how much you have kept an even-keel. You are right to be optimistic about the future, but the rough days are still hard when they hit.

Sending strength and peace to you my friend. Walk the path as best you can--it's all anyone can ask of you.

gypsybird87 posted 4/14/2014 01:14 AM

(((Scars)))

I don't have anything to add really... I think you are on the right track with the soul searching you're doing, the honest look back at the early red flags in the relationship. I'm at that point too, and it sort of sucks. Nothing like feeling stupid as well as brokenhearted. But as honest, trusting, good hearted people, we see the world as we are, and that's so often not the way it is.

When my divorce was final, I was upset but it also felt strangely anti-climactic. I called my father, ever the best source of rational thinking. He said, "Hey, you knew the marriage was over. This is just the state of Oregon agreeing with you." That helped me put it in perspective. As you said yourself, the true end was really several months ago. This is just the state of Texas catching up. I hope you find, like I did, that its not as painful as you're anticipating.

Hang in there, my friend.

Caretaker1 posted 4/14/2014 07:52 AM

It doesn't reduce your pain, but not having children with her is a huge blessing as you would have been forever tied to her in one way shape or form. It would just be triggers that make the roller coaster that much bumpier.

From a business side of thinking, did you get the house? No child support to pay which is huge. It was under 10 years and in many states that is not considered a long term marriage. The 10 year mark is a milestone.

It is normal and OK to regress and feel sad and lonely. It is not normal for her to not feel it nor she'd a tear. Doesn't mean she won't regret it in some way, but fuck her, who cares about her anymore. You are free of an asshole who didn't share your core value system. Take your time to grieve, but in the meantime to get through.....do something you like....watch a comedy, get a message, get a favorite food, exercise, sleep late, get a good book , visit friends, breathe....join something you like....regain your spirit and soul.

MadeOfScars posted 4/14/2014 10:07 AM

Thanks for the additional replies and insights.

You are a good, kind man with a strong sense of integrity and a great deal of tenderness, and you are mourning as you sort out this sea change.

Thanks norabird. I can say the same for you (except the "man" part of course ).

gypsybird87 - I like the way your father put it. I really don't know how to expect to feel this coming Thursday morning, but either way, I can remind myself that signing that paperwork isn't the end as the end already happened. It just puts the finishing touches on what is already over, and hopefully frees me to focus exclusively on my future.

Caretaker1 - While I wish the circumstances by which we don't have living children were not so, I do know in many ways it is a blessing that I can make a clean break. Even the easiest, cleanest divorces still are far from easy, but I do know how much worse it could have been. I read stories all the time here that absolutely break my heart where the ex continues to inflict wound-after-wound because they can. While I never wanted to be here, I am thankful for how it happened and when it happened. I'm only 35. We didn't hit the 10 year mark. There are no child custody or support issues to work out. I basically gave her nothing in the divorce. I don't know if it's her "need" to make a clean break or guilt, or maybe a mix of both, but she basically was willing to sign anything the lawyer and I wanted. I would go into details, but I'd rather have everything final first. May sound dumb, but I don't want to "jinx' anything. I can say that outside of lawyer fees, I come out of this no worse for wear, financially at least. Hell, my lawyer is a family friend contact who gave me quite a discount. She's charging me a fraction of what she would charge someone off the street, and she's pretty well known in my area. So yeah, it could be so much worse.

Doesn't mean she won't regret it in some way, but fuck her, who cares about her anymore.

Amen brother. There are those times I miss her so very much, at least who she was at one time. There are times I feel very wounded and down. There are times where I find it petty and vindictive to have some thoughts that run through my head that I will never act on. Then I remember - she stabbed me in the back. She took my love and trust for her and pissed it all away, and for what. Her "needs"? Her selfishness? Her weakness and inability to address the past? I did not deserve this, and I wouldn't tolerate being left for dead by any friend, family member or anyone else, so why should I pine over someone who could be so cold and heartless? She's not my wife. She's not my lover. She's not my friend. She is my enemy. Words are just that, words. She can say she's sorry. She can say she worries about me. She can offer to be friends. Her actions tell paint an entirely different picture, a picture of a woman so cold and empty inside and so ugly beneath the surface. Someone who has no problem hurting anyone when the alternative may mean she needs to look at herself for who she is. someone who simply doesn't care what anyone else needs when she's feeling vulnerable. Yes, she's been hurt. She's had things happen to her that are absolutely horrible. That said, I was there too, and I was willing to be there for her always, but I can't make her address her issues. The fact that she's known such pain makes it even more disgusting that she could wound me so deeply. She knew exactly what she was doing and how bad it would hurt me, but she did it anyway. That would be like me moving on, falling in love again, getting remarried, promising her to always be faithful, and then cheat on her and split in the blink-of-an-eye. For someone to know the pain that such a wound can inflict and do it anyway would make me an asshole of the highest order.

So yeah, fuck her. I don't went to walk around angry over this indefinitely, but there are days where I need to channel that anger in order to see her for who she is, and then extricate her from my thoughts. She's gone, and there's nothing I can or shod do other than move on. One day she may realize what she gave up. One day she'll realize that, no, I do not want to know how she's doing, try to be friends, try to be anything. Maybe then the full weight of it all will come crashing down. All I know is I won't be there to see it.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 10:13 AM, April 14th (Monday)]