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mapmaker (original poster new member #42450) posted at 8:59 PM on Sunday, April 13th, 2014
Karma - bad karma - I would never wish upon anybody.
Its been 3 mo since dd. We have bounced into hysterical bonding very fast. That's fine by me. I haven’t felt wanted or needed in a long time. I have always loved him and reaching out for the past 28 years has made me exhausted. I have been told I have the patience of Job.
After repeated insistence to get into our health program, he finally went in for a checkup. He wasn't totally unhealthy. I knew he had ED so he went to fix this. Other things showed up. He has prostate cancer! Enough cancer in the high stage to have radiation treatments. Life - could you be any harsher on us? Now I honestly feel like karma for his affairs is staring him down. He also just went in to get 1 of the 2 kidney stones blasted. This is going to be a journey.
I don’t know if after this hysterical bonding has waned, if my feelings toward him and our recovery will be here to last. Would I be so shallow to abandon him at this hour? I don’t think I could. Thanks for hearing the pain - we all carry our pain differently.
Hatemyhusband ( member #41633) posted at 10:39 PM on Sunday, April 13th, 2014
I'm sorry. I keep waiting for that to occur here. (4mo out) and I'll be nursing a man who destroyed my life as I knew it. My worst fear.
That or me getting ill.
Xo
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 1:21 AM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
In the 18 months after DDay, I was diagnosed with possible breast cancer (after biopsy, it wasn't) and he had to undergo two very painful biopsy's for possible prostrate cancer (finally got a negative but we have to monitor every year). Co-incidentally the same diseases that killed his parents. I completely and fully blame the stress that we both underwent because of his infidelity. We just got really, really lucky. And believe me, the entire time, THE ENTIRE time I was undergoing biopsy's, I wondered if he would be there for me "IF", and while we were waiting for his diagnosis, I was thinking how utterly appropriate but tragic this diagnosis could be. It wasn't pretty. I really do hear you. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 1:28 AM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
((((mapmaker)))) Sending you strength, hon. Take it one day at a time. That's all you need to deal with for now.
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
JustWow ( member #19636) posted at 1:29 AM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
We went through H having stage 3 cancer, surgery and then 7 months of chemo. It certainly did not make an already difficult R any easier. You are human. And you are hurt. His illness does not make what you need any less. It may, sadly, due to practical reasons, make some stuff take a back burner. Come here and bitch if that happens. I am one person on the planet who understands.
Not sure I necessarily believe in karma, but cancer in the middle of R is a tough, tough hand to be dealt. You are both in my prayers.
((mapmaker))
BW - Reconciling
edited for typos (I always have to!)
mapmaker (original poster new member #42450) posted at 4:16 AM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
Thanks to you all. It is hard to r while all this seems to to interfere and stress the relationship.
It seems hard because my father died of the same cancer.
By the grace of god we go forth!
jadedheart ( member #32046) posted at 4:43 AM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
(((map)))
Being the well BS of a sick WS/FWS really is tough! There are several members of SI who are living this nightmare including myself. Take care of yourself! Caregivers need to be cared for too and rarely take time out to do it. A sick Wayward compounds the pain and bitterness of infidelity. It can make both R and D more difficult. This person cut you off at the knees and now you are caring for them in their hour of need. You are left a whole lot of "worse" and very little "better". Add the ED stuff in and you have a big pile of crap. I don't know about you, but it is a struggle for me to deal with it all. Some days are good and some days are very bad.
Good luck with all you have to deal with now. Keep posting because there are so many wise people here. They will support you through the storm. I couldn't make it without SI.
Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."
Want2help ( member #20547) posted at 5:19 AM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
Please don't think of this as "karma". It is not the true definition of the word, and lots of people get cancer, who certainly don't deserve it (a little 6 year old girl I know of who just died of an inoperable, incurable brain stem tumor comes to mind).
I can only imagine how hard this would be. I am 7 years out and fully invested in R, and I can only imagine.
Continue to work on R (as long as that is what you want), and take time for yourself, too.
(((hugs)))
FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.
Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point. His OC, my OC...
UPDATE: Divorcing after almost 20 years.
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