Almost two weeks since dday. Here is where I am. I think we have spoken more over the last two weeks then the last two years. At least it feels that way. We have our first MC session on Tuesday night. 2 days away. But right now he seems so honest and remorseful. It feels like he has been stripped bare. We are not living together now. He has a “room by the week”. But we have been spending his days off together. Just being real. Talking about life, good stuff mostly. I have stopped asking questions about her and the A (for now). I think that should be done in front of the MC. This way I can get to know what I REALLY need to know and not just the stuff that will continue to tear me apart. I am telling myself I am really not hiding. I just think knowing things like “what he said to her and did with her” on this day or that will really not help me. Knowing why this all happened is really the key. Why did he do this? What did he get out of it? What was he thinking about me as it happened? Why did he say what he said to her? What he thought about the things he did and said to me? Was he ever thinking about me? He has arranged for the MC. I told him that he also needs his own IC and meds for depression. I am a worried about him honestly. We spoke this morning. I said he has to get himself better before “we” can get better. If he is depressed and sad then anything he feels about “us” will be sad as well. He has to get healthy. Before we know the true feelings on “us” and where “we” are going.
It just feels like we is so honest right now. Everything is about me and my feelings. When I get mad and yell and say things like I didn’t deserve this or that. Give him the facts of what he has done. All he does is agree. He continues over and over to say I’m sorry and your right. "You didn’t deserve anything I have done to you". "You deserved so much more". “You deserve everything” “and I hope I have the chance to treat you like you have deserved all along”. Here is the weird part. I believe him. I truly believe that my pain is his as well. When I tell him how much it hurts, etc. I can almost feel it in his body. My pain is his pain. He knows he caused it all. I am afraid the guilt of that pain is getting to him.
It is like they say in the healing library. He was in a fog. And now that the fog is lifted he sees what he did to me and is disgusted and ashamed of himself. Why he couldn’t feel/see this earlier I don’t know. But now this pain I am going through is being carried on his shoulders as well. I at least have the knowledge and belief that I am a good person and treat people well. He has the burden of carrying his actions and all this pain on his shoulders. This is why I am worried about his depression and what he may do. I just hope he has the strength to fight through this and get to the other side.
Speaking of that burden. His mom is out of the country at the moment. DDay was 5 days before she left. I told him not to tell her about this until she returns. Didn’t think it was fair that his selfish actions should ruin a two week vacation (very special vacation- and I care about her). Anyway. I can’t wait til she gets BACK. Just three more days. Then I am making him tell her. Want her to start worrying about “him” and his IC and meds. This way I can just worry about me. Hope that makes sense. So where am ? Had a great day at work yesterday. Made a lot of big decisions and was successful. Felt like my old self again. I have this. I can do this (live my life). With him or without him. I can do this. Be successful in my career and feel whole again. I am still not sure where "we" are going. Together or not. But for the first time since DDay I really begin to think that someday I might get through this and be whole again. Seeing the possible light at the end of the tunnel.
"The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone & that's exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn&
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I read your topic title and it grabbed me. We are just over 3 months out from Dday #2 and my WH is coming across almost like it is too good to be true. We have cried together, I have screamed at him, said some really horrible (but true at the time) things to him, thrown things etc and he has taken it all and more. He has taken up IC and MC with me, he feels open with me for the first time since we met. He answers any and all questions about the affair, has never once gotten up and left me when I have broken down, but holds me. Has come home from work early and taken a couple of days off when I just haven't been coping and I've needed someone to look after our son because I couldn't give him what he needed from me.
Yet I am weary. Over 3 months down the track and these actions are only just beginning to penetrate the protective shields I put up. I stayed because I love him, but I will not allow myself to be hurt again too easily by him.
I guess what I am trying to say is, make sure you are not rug sweeping your pain and emotions and getting too caught up in worrying about him, he certainly didn't consider you a whole lot during the affair. Right now though it isn't your job to be helping him through this, it is his job to be helping you. Make sure you protect yourself, make him prove that these actions you are seeing are actual changes, not shame driven, because that will disappear eventually!
I think it is amazing that you are finding strength at work, don't forget to look after yourself too, I have really enjoyed my IC and it has helped me to see some things about myself that needed to be worked on. WH or not, this experience will make me stronger, not weaker!
Good luck!
You are so early in the process. Given that it's only been two weeks you are likely still in shock about the situation and grateful that your WS's response is exuding such compassionate and loving indications of atonement. From what I've read on here, that's a great sign.
In my own experience, it's not necessarily an indication that you will be saved from the rollercoaster of your own emotions, or even from a latent "fog," gaslighting or lack of remorse. When I first found SI it was because I was a few months out and still had a gut feeling that there was "more." However, I fiercely used the initial response of my WS as an indication that my situation was unique to the point of being different than the similar patterns of behavior described on here. In those first months, my WS slowly backed away from the initial regret, bolstered her arguments that justified her behavior and TT'd me to death with the level of her involvement in the (second that I thought was the only) EA that got me here. For me, like many others who experienced similar patterns of behavior, I was totally humbled by my second DDay about a prior EA of which I had been given partial knowledge that totally freed WS from the wrongful involvement of which I was unaware at the time in wich her first EA happened. It was through the support of SI and my own recognition of self-worth that got me through that and onto the R forum, hopefully for good. That second EA discovery was the necessary realization that there was a pattern of behavior that contributed to her ability to rely on others for sexual or romantic attention and break emotional boundaries in our relationship. Without that realization we probably would have moved forward without addressing the underlying issues and straight into more A's, ultimately destroying the relationship.
I'm not telling you this to destroy your reality that he is being remorseful or to plant ideas in your head that there is more information or even more A's that will come out of this. I am sharing this because even if there are no more A's, this should not be considered an isolated incident. You haven't been together that long, so the indication of one A is enough to demand the same changes and steps to R in the M that anyone else on here has expected. Even one A, now that I have more experience, is enough information to realize that there is more than one possible opportunity realized and acted upon to indicate serious changes necessary to protect and maintain your M. You are right to question "why." The "why" that I am speaking of is not rooted in the opportunity presented at the time when your WS felt his needs weren't being met, but in the reason your WS chose to act on it and the reason he might act on it in the future. It's not linked to what you did or didn't do in the relationship, but to what he felt he needed to do outside the relationship that led to his ability to betray you in such a damaging way. The real "why" is the understanding of why he didn't request that you fulfill those needs or find a way to fulfill them on his own in a way that protected the boundaries of a healthy relationship. Though it may highlight relationship issues, it is more indicative of his inability to meet those personal needs himself or to respect you enough to share those needs with you so that you could determine if it was a relationship issue or his own brokenness. I can't imagine how tainted your first year anniversary was in the wake of the realization of 22 texts on your wedding day, or how tainted future anniversaries might be.
In the first month of DDay 1, my WS and I talked at length about the relationship. We focused on good times and misperceptions we both had and really connected. I was driven to prove to her the love and compassion she felt was missing from me. I felt guilty that she didn't feel "wanted" or was compelled to make independent decisions about how she was supposed to "be" in our relationship. I don't fully regret that now, but looking back I realize that I didn't allow myself the courtesy of realizing the whole truth, which revealed her own brokenness in contributing to her perception of the reality of our relationship. Her inability to feel "wanted" by me was actually orchestrated by the ways in which she was broken upon entering our relationship. Though it contributed to ways I interacted with her that made her feel unwanted, I was initially carrying too much of the burden for her independent decision to have EAs.
So, I caution you to brace yourself. Read through all the wonderful sources of support and information on here. Trust your gut. Take time to identify your specific needs for healing in the relationship and let him know what they are and what your plans are if he's unable to meet them. Hold him accountable for your needs and find ways to empower yourself against the rollercoaster you will find yourself on, even if it's only the rollercoaster of your own emotions.
Also, I missed so many opportunities to gather all the information I found I needed later on to prove my WS's truth or lies. I stopped investigating or just investigating deeper and missed opportunities. I think that because she was so remorseful and seemed to try so hard in the beginning I felt it was disrespectful to do so. There are ways to recover deleted information from cell phones. There are ways to secretly monitor activities. I strongly recommend exploring and investigating as much as you can right now, even if only in an attempt to verify what he's telling you. It will help you out in the long run, even if it only proves he's being honest.
That said, I'm so sorry you are here. I hope that your situation is perfect and that he is being completely honest and continues to work hard at proving himself worthy of you committing to R.
