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LA44 posted 4/13/2014 16:46 PM

the fan.

My H is here enjoying Masters Sunday. So is his buddy who enjoys pot. This buddy cannot get through one day w/o pot.

My condition which I have repeated time and again. DO NOT. DO NOT smoke pot in or around our house. I don't care if its a puff, or the equivalent of a beer (his favourite line) or not. DON'T.

He came upstairs and I caught a whiff. It was actually gross and not sweet like reg pot. I am a blood-hound. You cannot have a beer at 2pm and not think I won't smell it at 6pm. Child of an alcoholic. I am conditioned to find it.

But what really bugs the shit out of me is that when I said, "oh. What's that smell?" He goes,
"Is it smoke? It must be smoke bc I am bbq'ing". And he offers me his shirt.

THAT is what pisses me off. He tried to dupe me. DON'T F'ing DUPE me. Haven't you been down that road before? How did that work out?

So, he comes upstairs just now and says, "Hey, you know I meant it when I said that you have high standards as a hostess".

I said, "I have high standards as a person." He says, "Yeah. I know."

I said, "I don't like being lied too."

He looks uncomfortable. He walks away. He comes back. What do you mean?

I said, "I don't like being lied too and I think you know exactly what I am talking about." I gave him my best, DiNiro (don't look away and be calm).

He walked away. His friend is still here. I am no longer hungry and I am fed up with having this conversation.

Do I leave my H for being an occasional pot-smoker? Do I leave him for doing it in/around our home? I have drawn the line and I believe he has crossed it. The fact that he walked away and didn't press me tells me I am right.

karmahappens posted 4/13/2014 16:53 PM

I wouldn't leave my h for some pot...

Lying? Crossing my line in the sand? Smoking an illegal substance in my home when I have kids ?

You have to decide. ...

momentintime posted 4/13/2014 17:01 PM

It's the lying and not respecting your boundaries of no pot in or around your home. That he would let his friend do it and possibly join him when you have repeated request he not do this, is the insult.

Yes this would be serious to me. I would question if he gets it, and can respect you going forward. Seems at the moment he doesn't think your feelings are a priority. Bad is on him.

karmahappens posted 4/13/2014 17:02 PM

I wouldn't be playing the happy hostess.

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 17:08 PM

Oh believe me karma, since I smelled it I have been upstairs working on something for the school and now my kids need to get ready for bed.

I feel sick. I really do. My hands are shaking writing this. He does so much soooo well. He even rec'd a trip for us in Europe end of May for his hard work. But then this happens and I am at a loss.

Momentintime...sadly we had this convo many x prior to D-day. Then we had it in his IC's office after D-day. Her statement: if it affects me/family then you had better be prepared to face the consequences. Overall, she doesn't see it as a big deal as its a one-off. BUT...it used to be way worse before D-day. My concern is that as time goes by, he boundaries get more lax. I truly don't think he makes the connection between this and A behavior.

If anyone else has to deal w this, I would love to hear from you. But all replies are appreciated.

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:15 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

strengthandhope posted 4/13/2014 17:10 PM

Tell his friend not to bring that stuff around. Tell him you know he does it and that's his choice, but it is not welcome in or around your home. My H's father likes to drink beer. He was going to take my kids on a trip. I told him straight up he cannot drink beer, even one sip if he is going to be driving my kids. What did he do? Pick up his beer can and says "this is my I first beer I had after work and my last" and continued to take another sip. I lost my shit. I yelled at him as if he were a disobeying child! "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?!" He looked at me and dumped the rest out with an apology. Ya gotta set the rules.

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 17:37 PM

I really think HE needs to be the one to tell his friend not to bring it around. It's an agreement between us. Period. Is it so hard for him to make this request? Or to say, "No buddy. This is off limits at our house."

I remember a few weeks ago we were talking about how in 2012 he didn't want to go to another friend's house for dinner bc he knew all 3 guys would be smoking and he didn't want to say "No". To basically stay indoors with the women.

I just looked at him blankly. You can't say No to your friends? But you can essentially say No to me?

This is going to be really embarrassing if I am wrong. At least it is making me think about the next time. Because there will be a next time. When is this tournament over?!

karmahappens posted 4/13/2014 17:44 PM

I think you cannot be the one to tell the friend the rules. It's your husband's friend he Needs to step up and explain the boundaries. You can't be everyone's mom.

He knows how you feel. .. but did it anyway, in your home, and lied about it.

It is a big deal because he continues to essentially say "I know how you feel, but screw you" with these actions. This is at least the third time it has come up that you have posted about it.

When we had an issue that came up. . Long story, won't bore you. I told my husband how I felt. He pretty much ignored me and would do it again. Until I said you are ignoring my feelings. .. if this happens one more time I am gone. I wasn't mad or bitchy I was matter of fact.

He has never done it again.... but if he did, I would go. He is responsible for his actions and I decide what I will and won't accept. (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:46 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 17:50 PM

It is a big deal because he continues to essentially say "I know how you feel, but screw you" with these actions.

You're right. And I think it is the third time I have mentioned it on SI in the last 14 months that I have been on SI. That to me is A LOT and hard on the head when you factor in dealing with the A shit.

Right now, I am angry but I also feel calm. I delivered the message calmly. I haven't been banging around the kitchen, or storming about. I was just laughing with the kids....

Maybe I am at where you were that night with your H, karma.

karmahappens posted 4/13/2014 17:53 PM

Think on it LA, we cannot throw around consequences we won't back up.

strengthandhope posted 4/13/2014 18:15 PM

Maybe he did tell him but more in a "the wife don't like it so keep it on the downlow". Instead of "don't do it here".

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 18:28 PM

I know I "threw" things around prior to D-Day.

But today I am that much stronger and will get moreso as we go along. I have imagined my life w/o him - being a single Mom - what does that look like? What does that feel like? I have closed my eyes and done that. I know its so different to live it. And what choice do I have, really? Draw yet another line and go, "Look! Here's a line. Now if you cross this one..."

Sorry. I've done that.

I am not acting like a maniac right now either. That is different from the last time too. I am sad but I feel strong. And calm.

[This message edited by LA44 at 6:30 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

karmahappens posted 4/13/2014 18:33 PM

I had to decide if it was a deal breaker for me. The actions weren't, but the disrespect was.
That is how I got to my decision and how I told my husband. His discounting me was the bigger hurt. I needed to put my needs on the table and clearly label them. I actually think he got it and it's been a non issue ever since.

bionicgal posted 4/13/2014 18:34 PM

Sorry, LA - it makes my stomach hurt for you.

Our MC said that if one of us loses b/c of something the other one does, we both lose. If this bugs you (and it is reasonable - I mean, c'mon. .. it is illegal after all. . .right? Even in Canada?) then it needs to be worked out like a married couple, and not an errant teenager and his mom. He needs to man up on this one, I think. You shouldn't need to draw a line in the sand.

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 18:53 PM

See that's it right there karma. It's the disrespect.

Thx bionic. My stomach hurts too. Heck! He could have had 10 beers and that IS legal and it would still be wrong but what is really wrong here is crossing the line and then trying to blame it on the BBQ! Really?

Also, I posted earlier today about the "sorta truth" that his mom runs with and lo and behold...this happens. Well...saying he got smokey from the BBQ is "sorta truth". Isn't it? Honestly...this behavior has roots.

sunnyrain posted 4/13/2014 19:02 PM

Why didn't you tell him you thought he smelled like pot, and then ask if he was smoking it earlier?

It's kind of like you were only sorta telling the truth yourself by hinting at what you thought was the truth.

Why play games? Why not just ask outright?

rachelc posted 4/13/2014 19:16 PM

Do you leave your husband for:
Pot smoking-no
Not respecting your wishes- possibly
Lying- after all you've been through LA?

catlover50 posted 4/13/2014 20:25 PM

Hi LA44.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. You are completely justified in your request. I do agree that you should just be upfront with him, however.

I personally have an issue with my H minimizing or justifying. That was his MO forever and now I won't let anything go. For example, he has been promising to take care of a home issue for weeks. I nag as little as possible, but he has also promised to honor his commitments. Recently I asked him about it and he said he had been too busy at work. However, 30 minutes before he had complained about it being slow at work.

So I called him on it. And kept calling him on it. I didn't raise my voice. Finally he admitted that he thought it would be a big pain and he had no excuse.

To me it's very important that he change this behavior--it's basically dishonest and it's easy to see how it contributes to wayward behavior.

Good luck!

LA44 posted 4/13/2014 20:31 PM

Sunnyrain, our agreement was: YOU tell me when you smoke.I need to know what I am dealing with. Is it every week? Every other week? Every month? Every 3? YOU tell me.

That was the deal.

I am not the mom. I am not going to quiz him. When I said to him, "I don't like being lied to" I wasn't "kinda lying". That is a straight up statement. If you have read any of the last, what? 500 posts I have made you know I don't play games.

He came downstairs an hour ago and said: So tell me. What is it? And I said: No. You tell me. You tell me.

And he admitted he did.

catlover50 posted 4/13/2014 20:36 PM

Yikes, LA. And then what?