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The year of firsts

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Rainbows posted 4/14/2014 00:10 AM

since dday is coming to a close for me.

A year ago this week, we left for vacation to celebrate our anniversary. We went to one of my favorite vacation places.

Our relationship had been challenging over the years, but he asked if I was willing to renew our vows and have a fresh start. The trip slowly went downhill and he ended up getting really drunk a couple of nights before it ended and told me he didn't deserve me and I should move on.

There was also something else weird that happened earlier in the trip. He vanished one night after going to the bar. I went looking for him after he had been gone for over an hour and found him talking to a random guy who was also on vacation.

The ex invited me to sit down and have a drink with them. When I joined the conversation (about travel) the ex excused himself to the restroom and never came back. I settled the tab after waiting about half an hour and went back to the room.

He was there, drunk, and said he left me so I could talk to that guy. He said I needed to move on and he left to get out of the way.

Of course, the next day when he was sober he apologized profusely and said he was drunk and I should ignore everything that happened.

I tried, but couldn't unring those bells. We got home a day before our actual anniversary. That was the night he left me and spent it with OW. It was also the beginning of this past year, which has mostly been a nightmare.

I can't believe a year has passed since my world imploded. I'm mad and sad. I'm mad at me for giving him so much of my life and mad at him for taking it. He lied to me about so many things to keep me on the hook. I'm so angry at myself for believing him when I knew he was pathological.

Now, I'm broken and wasting even more of my life grieving that sham of a marriage. Some days, I feel like I'm never going to heal or move on. He was right about one thing, he was never good enough for me.

In some ways a year feels like a long time. Then sometimes I'm so raw, all this shit feels like it happened yesterday.

gypsybird87 posted 4/14/2014 00:49 AM


I'm so sorry you're hurting. I am right there with you. My dday anniversary was the 10th, just a couple of days ago. Only one more to go- day the divorce was final- then I'll be done with all the firsts. I can't wait.

There is a quote from Socrates that has helped me a lot: "The secret of change is not in fighting the old, but in building the new." Focus on you, on the new life you now have the chance to build for yourself. You're right, he was never good enough for you. My ex was never good enough for me either. But he's gone and now my life is my own, and its up to me to focus on the new and make it what I want it to be.

You gave him so many days of your life that were unhappy, or sad, or confused. Don't give him any more! They are YOUR days. Fill them up with friends and activities that make you happy. I had an amazing day today. I went to a beautiful tulip festival just outside town. This was something I always wanted to do. But guess what, he didn't want to so it never happened. Today I WENT. My life, my decision. Then tonight I did a West Coast Swing lesson and stayed an extra two hours for the social dance. It was so much fun! Think that would have happened while I was married?? Hell no.

What did you give up or set aside for your relationship? Reclaim those things. What did you always want to do, and couldn't? Do it.

You deserve an amazing life, rainbows. And it isn't behind you, its all in front of you. Go get it. When the pain overwhelms you, don't fight it. Feel it, then let it go, and get back to building the new.

You can do it.

Rainbows posted 4/14/2014 02:18 AM

Thank you so much Gypsybird. Your response is really positive and uplifting.

I knew this month would be a big, triggery bump for me. I'm surprised so many unexpected memories keep bubbling up.

You're right, there are a lot of things I don't do anymore because the ex didn't want to. I feel ready to start living again, even though I don't know when the D will be final.

Side note: the D drama has been so draining, it may be what's been holding me back mentally.

I love the quote you shared. I'm going to write it down and put it somewhere where I can see it often.

Thanks again for reaching out.

Klove posted 4/14/2014 06:44 AM

He lied to me about so many things to keep me on the hook. I'm so angry at myself for believing him when I knew he was pathological.

This resonates with me. The sheer sociopathy of your ex's duplicity makes me feel sick.

You deserve so. Much. Better.
I'm early out. 2 months S but a year and 1/2 from first dday. Starting to reframe his Bullshit as a gift. I was unhappy years before the A- always tried to improve stuff but I was the only one trying. The A and all the horrible fallout finally woke me up to the sad reality that he was never going to change. You say things were rough before your anniversary maybe you're in the same boat?

He set me free...I would have wasted more years here trying to figure out why I couldn't make my marriage work.

We still have life ahead. It's easy to fall into the pit of anger of how much of your time he wasted keeping you on the hook. It's unforgivable. But now you are off the hook! Time to move forward if only in very teeny steps. For me- one of the first laugh out loud moments was ordering a pizza with mushrooms (which I love- he hates). I started to cry as I ate it and then laughed.

I have lots of days I feel sad and angry- but I also feel free. And sometimes that is good and sometimes it's scary.

One foot in front of the other.

Rainbows posted 4/14/2014 08:39 AM

Thanks, Klove for helping me reframe it whilst in the muck and pain.

You're right, he did set me free with his A. Otherwise, I would probably still be there beating my head against the wall trying to fix our marriage.

He was not really a nice person and almost everyone in my life has come forward and told me recently. He's extremely arrogant and very "alpha" (confrontational and abrasive) for lack of a better word.

You're right, instead of lamenting the end, I should focus on celebrating my freedom. Thanks.

norabird posted 4/14/2014 13:32 PM

It is so hard not to look back and feel the pain again. These times when you get triggered, it is okay to feel the anguish again, and the loss and pain. The trick is to stand up again once the trigger passes. To look around, and to know that it's all over. While the healing process takes time, the new hurts are gone and won't come back. The memories you have are part of the past. The future will have new memories, ones that you choose. What is something you want in that future that you can focus on? A new skill you can learn, or a dream trip you can plan?

It's okay to still hurt. But don't let it hold you back from making a life you do deserve. It's too bad that he never was worth you. But now that he's gone, you have so many opportunities.


Rainbows posted 4/14/2014 20:17 PM

Thanks, Norabird. You make a great point, that stuff is in the past.

I'm giving it a lot more power than I usually give to things that are in the past. I can't change what's happened, anyway.

This trigger seems to be lingering, so I'll ride it until it subsides.

I think I'll start looking into planning a me/D present to myself trip. I've always wanted to go to Galapagos (he never wanted to go, too boring for him) and will start researching it.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 8:17 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

norabird posted 4/14/2014 23:41 PM

The Galapagos....boring?!

First time I've heard that one!!!

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