since dday is coming to a close for me.
A year ago this week, we left for vacation to celebrate our anniversary. We went to one of my favorite vacation places.
Our relationship had been challenging over the years, but he asked if I was willing to renew our vows and have a fresh start. The trip slowly went downhill and he ended up getting really drunk a couple of nights before it ended and told me he didn't deserve me and I should move on.
There was also something else weird that happened earlier in the trip. He vanished one night after going to the bar. I went looking for him after he had been gone for over an hour and found him talking to a random guy who was also on vacation.
The ex invited me to sit down and have a drink with them. When I joined the conversation (about travel) the ex excused himself to the restroom and never came back. I settled the tab after waiting about half an hour and went back to the room.
He was there, drunk, and said he left me so I could talk to that guy. He said I needed to move on and he left to get out of the way.
Of course, the next day when he was sober he apologized profusely and said he was drunk and I should ignore everything that happened.
I tried, but couldn't unring those bells. We got home a day before our actual anniversary. That was the night he left me and spent it with OW. It was also the beginning of this past year, which has mostly been a nightmare.
I can't believe a year has passed since my world imploded. I'm mad and sad. I'm mad at me for giving him so much of my life and mad at him for taking it. He lied to me about so many things to keep me on the hook. I'm so angry at myself for believing him when I knew he was pathological.
Now, I'm broken and wasting even more of my life grieving that sham of a marriage. Some days, I feel like I'm never going to heal or move on. He was right about one thing, he was never good enough for me.
In some ways a year feels like a long time. Then sometimes I'm so raw, all this shit feels like it happened yesterday.