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Undefinabl3 posted 4/14/2014 08:06 AM

So, I need thoughts or ideas on how to handle a situation.

Some back story:

J and L were married neighbors of ours that, for a year, we hung out a lot. Our kids played, we traded cook out locations, ect.

J and L have since divorced and are now in ugly custody battle that J has asked our advice on alot. I hate the idea that we took sides, but the situation did not lend itself to stay friends with L. She is a WS, married her AP. I choose not to stay a friend of hers for obvious reasons.

So, now the situation. J has become a mutal friend and is over at our house at least once a week sometimes more. I have tried to stay clear of him since he is now a single guy and DH is uncomfortable with me around single men (though, neither one of us had issues being married and talking to each other, but i digress).

DH is now utterly convinced that there is something going on between us because of the following:

1. We texted 25 times in a billing cycle.

2. When J comes over, he will talk to me about geek things that DH is not into.

3. I will look at him, or in Dh's mind, I will sneak peaks at him.

4. I am just to friendly.

5. But yet, i can't leave the room everytime he comes over becuase I will be rude.

So, I asked DH what he needed me to do which i got the "I dont know, I dont care" speech.

Sadly, this pissed me off and I went off. I stated that I have done everyhthing I could do. I sit on the opposite side of the room every time, I am never alone in the room with him, and I tried to stear the converstation towards things DH like to talk about.

I asked him to then tell J to not come over anymore. This is not acceptable to DH because J is his friend.

We have literally been round and round on this topic, to the point where I am ready to text J and ask him to no longer come to the house, and that DH and he are more then welcome to go out to visit, or to visit when I am not home.

Otherwise, my only option is to just go into my bedroom when J is there, so that there is no possible way my actions can be red flaggy.....

I am just fed up with this situation - Dh is not willing to help me make it right, and anything i have done so far has been wrong.

There is also more - red flags on DH's end. Like the fact that he has texted a woman he works with over 100 times, and is just so concerned with her recent shoulder surgery that he calls her once a day to see how she is doing. (and yet, his BEST friend that was electricuted, he only texts about once a week, and calls even less) But its ok, because "She looks like MiMi from the Drew Carry show. he hasn't enjoyed a thicker woman in his life before. /eyeroll. frustrated, we had been doing REALLY good...

BrokenButTrying posted 4/14/2014 08:44 AM

I hate to say it, but the solution here is fairly obvious.

You are MH, J is a BS. Talk to him! He's an adult, he's been through this, he will understand.

Next time he comes round, all sit down together. Have your H explain his concerns and then you can explain why there is a need for very clear boundaries between you and J. Tell J the boundaries; no texting, no being in the same room alone without your H etc.
That way, your H can see J's reaction when his concerns are revealed (he should be able to tell whether the shock is genuine or not) and seeing you establish clear boundaries will make him feel safer.

As for the woman your H is texting, that stops immediately. It is making you feel unsafe and therefore it is inappropriate.

You two both need to reinforce boundaires and protect your M. Be proactive in your healing.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:47 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 4/14/2014 09:06 AM

Broken...I have suggested this to DH a number of times.

I fear that if I talk to J seperatly then it will be just another black mark on me. Like he may twist it to be 'well, you must have ended it before I found out'. Which is why i want DH to do the explaining and no me.

To his credit J i think can tell that there is a tension there.

I have tried to approch this subject in different ways, but DH shuts down exclaming that "everything he does is wrong' and that we will just do whatever i want".....DH is the worst person to actually work through things, because he will throw all these issues in my face, but then ademently refuse to work on them with me.

As for the woman your H is texting, that stops immediately. It is making you feel unsafe and therefore it is inappropriate.

Yeah, could you tell him this, because all I got when I said this was for him to inspect me more.

I akin this to when I had to stop all contact with a male friend of mine, a friend well before DH was ever in my life, but because we texted too much for DH's liking, I had to cut off all contact with him. It still stings. And now I feel like i let a friend go for no reason - since now DH doesn't even see that this is the SAME thing.

And yes, we have done MC - he refuses to go anymore, literally - like, i will make the appointment and then he will not get into the car to go.

he refuses to read books, and then when I try to explain information from the book, he just shuts down again because 'i am telling him what to do'

He will not do the weekend retreat that I have been wanting to do for a few years now.

He will not go to counseling himself.

I have looked into couseling for myself, but it is expensive and insurance will not cover it up front - so until i hit our deductible (and with DSS being in his accident, this may be the case)

Stillkicking posted 4/14/2014 15:24 PM

Hey, sorry your dealing with this.

I don't have much to add to help but to me it sounds like he is projecting and trying to justify his actions with his coworker, I don't mean to set off alarms or anything but I agree with broken that that stops yesterday, and I would be on high alert.

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