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Is this the roller coaster or something else?

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Elasticman posted 4/14/2014 09:25 AM

Hello, we are 4 months out from DDay I have done a full timeline answered endless questions about the affair. we go to marriage counselling and individual counselling. I am very grateful for the advice and support I have received on this site. I will do anything to make her passage to healing easier and she often tells me that I could not have done more. The thing that gets me is that counselling has improved our day to day relationship massively from what it was pre affair. Our day to day is better and more connected. The problem is the the affair and the big issues that it raised trust forgiveness etc.

In the early days it was lots of detailed questions about the affair. I did everything I could to answer them. Those questions have stopped now. Through our counselling we managed to make the day to day part of our relationship function. This feels like a massive achievement but for us it was not the big issue. The big issues for us are.

Can she ever forgive me in the future and will she be able to trust me enough for us to have a meaningful relationship. We both tell each other we love each other.

I feel that when we have good everyday time together shortly after, almost like a metronome there will be a dramatic downswing as though she feels she has let herself down. As I write this I appreciate that of course this is the case.

We make small plans for the future like going away in August and overnight those plans disappear. I love her to the moon so I will do my best to cope and give her whatever she needs. It takes away hope but I just try to be consistently supportive.

It makes me fearful of the good times as though in some way they make the backlash worse. I feel in limbo. Is this the rollercoaster?

In my mind we have been trying to save our relationship. In the backlash she says she is making her mind up about whether to try or not. My instinct is to carry on supporting and loving her whatever
Is this a normal experience?

BrokenButTrying posted 4/14/2014 10:28 AM

Four months out from Dday? Yes it's normal.

Your BW can't plan long term right now, on a good day she'll perhaps be able to imagine the next 48 hours but beyond that she won't know how she's going to feel or what she's going to do.

Take the good times when they come, validate her feelings with empathy and understanding when things are bad.

Be patient and loving, hang in there.

knightsbff posted 4/14/2014 10:46 AM

Yes. It sounds very normal to me. This still happens to us some but on a smaller scale and less frequently.

Your instinct is good. Hang in there and keep supporting her. Be consistently honest in all of your interactions.

It will get better slowly over time.

NoGoodUsername posted 4/14/2014 10:58 AM

Yes, totally normal. Enjoy the good days but don't take them as a reason to stop working. You should probably expect good days themselves to be a trigger now and then.

Good luck to you guys.

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