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Does D make recovery go faster?

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krispy47 posted 4/14/2014 09:45 AM

I am 6 weeks out from DDay. My WH is doing everything that he is "supposed to" do in order to help me recover. And yet I still feel like it isn't enough.

I feel so torn! These weeks of talking so honestly, making love so tenderly, and enjoying each other's company in ways we have not done for a decade make me wonder if a rebuilt, rearranged marriage might actually make me happier than I have ever been. At the same time, I still double over in agony every time I think about WH and his slut in my home, and about how cold and calculating his lies and betrayals were. How can this tender, loving man and that cruel, hateful POS be the same person. My head spins...

I've been reading in the Reconciliation forum, and the stories are all about people who are 2, 5, 7 years out from Dday and still living in unhappy marriages, still feeling all the pain and re-living the betrayal every day.

My question here is, does D make the healing go faster? Is it easier to recover from emotional battery if you do not have to see your betrayer every day? Does D slow down in some ways because your WS is not present to answer questions and hear your pain and rage? I'd like opinions.

Klove posted 4/14/2014 09:54 AM

Um- I don't have any advice except I personally could never recover from a 7yr lta. I couldn't get over a 4 month affair.

Also- I, like many others, look back now and wish I had gotten out sooner. My own opinion is the pain of dday is one thing. Bad enough...
But, for me, nothing is as painful and corrosive as false R. I almost lost myself if that shit.

kg201 posted 4/14/2014 10:12 AM

I never had the chance to go through R, even though I offered it to my STBX, so I can't tell you which is better. But I can tell you that once the separation began, much of the fear stemming from uncertainty began to dissipate. From everything I have read on SI There is definitely a danger of everything "returning to normal" where the underlying issues are not dealt with. I think early on we all wish for normal and unfortunately that might be the worst thing possible.

My two cents. Keep strong.

Mindfully posted 4/14/2014 10:41 AM

I don't have any good advice for you krispy47, but I want you to know that I am so sorry for your pain, and I know exactly how you are feeling. I am about eight weeks out from Dday, and I am torn between R and ending the relationship.

I'm pretty sure that a lengthy, physical separation will be necessary for me to get clear-headed about things, but its damn hard to do when it feels like my SO is fully present in the relationship for the first time since his LTA began a year and a half ago.

TrustedHer posted 4/14/2014 10:56 AM

I have seen R work for other people.

Bear in mind that when you read the Reconciliation forum, you are seeing people who still hang around SI. Sometimes, people come here, get healed, and leave. So you're likely to see the more troubling cases. Plus the ones who hang around to give back to SI, of course.

I desperately wanted R, but my gift was refused. Looking back at those times and at my X, this was a good thing for me. I am now certain that my marriage was not good for me, and that my X was not healthy, nor taking steps to be healthy.

It took time, therapy, and a bit of healing to realize that. That's why people are told not to make life-changing decisions too quickly.

Fact is, though, that 5 years of separation and finally a divorce, I still have issues myself. Short in duration, less in impact than before, and less frequent, but I do have moments, still.

Don't choose D because you think you'll heal quicker. If you choose D, do it because it's the right, healthy decision for you. You'll still ride the roller coaster of emotions, either way.

krispy47 posted 4/14/2014 15:00 PM

Don't choose D because you think you'll heal quicker. If you choose D, do it because it's the right, healthy decision for you. You'll still ride the roller coaster of emotions, either way.

I think maybe this is what I was trying to get at, wondering if D was a shortcut to getting off this damn ride.

And Klove, I have seen many people express what you did about wishing they had gotten out sooner. Thank you all for the food for thought.

Dadtryingtocope posted 4/14/2014 15:34 PM

Add me to the group that never got a chance to have R. But I only gave her about a month to make that decision. I would of worked hard to counsel and work towards forgiveness, especially for our kids. She on the other hand really had no interest in that. So I gave her what she wanted, her freedom so she could remarry her AP.

Now in hindsight, I did the right thing. I don't know if I could of actually recovered from it. Especially when all the truths came out. This was not the person I married and the likelyhood of her returning as that person was virtually zero.

I have a really close friend who went through an A and then an R with his wife. She had the A then very quickly after told him and was remorseful. They worked through it in counseling and are still together. He says he still has times when he thinks about it and still harbors some anger over it (I think it's been about 10 years). But he truly loves her and like I said, she was remorseful.

Stay strong and keep posting here. At the end of the day you have to do what's right for you.

FaithFool posted 4/14/2014 15:39 PM

There are no shortcuts for getting off the ride. No way out but through.

Either way is tough and will leave scars.

However I will say that having my own space has been such a blessing for healing.

That and six years of being down the road. It takes time whatever way you decide to go.

betrayedidiot posted 4/14/2014 16:13 PM

I have to say that I feel SO much better now that he is gone and we are in D. I am really enjoying the freedom and independence. The divorce process itself is very stressful, but manageable. My situation is a different though because we only stayed together for about a week after D-Day. He was a MODEL husband for those few days, so kind and supportive and begging to stay. I couldn't take it. I was done, and I can't imagine spending years going through R. Do I feel guilt that I didn't try? Sometimes. I just accepted that our marriage had been going downhill for a long time, and was now too damaged.

Krispy -- I read your story several days ago. You say he is doing everything right, but how did this about-face come on so quickly? I would seriously question his motives for R. Financial perhaps? If he was with someone for 7 years, that's not a "mistake" like forgetting to pay a bill or something. That's a daily choice and a whole lot of really elaborate and intricate lies!! I agree with KLove's comment - my H only slept with this OW eleven times and I couldn't forgive him. If your H was screwing the OW regularly for 7 years, that is like 1000X! And when you add the BDSM in there, that is some heavy stuff. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but I don't see how you can ever trust someone who seems to have like a double-life personality. Years in MC to recover, and then looking over his shoulder for the rest of your life.

Sadmumma posted 4/15/2014 03:12 AM

A part of my story not shared... I I years ago, 5 years in husband had an affair with best friends wife.

I R'd. 5 years ago he had ea with co worker... I R d

Sept 2013 EA with discovered ex school friend... Also I was certain PA with other female. Was 6 month pregnant. Found proof of PA... Now divorcing

11 years was a heck of a stint at R. In hind sight, words did not match actions and I should have acted sooner.

I will never again look over my shoulder in a relationship.

I have drawn my line in the sand. If only I had done it sooner

Edited to say.... This is all I can prove. I believe there is more I cannot prove.

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 3:13 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

Sadmumma posted 4/15/2014 06:33 AM

I think maybe this is what I was trying to get at, wondering if D was a shortcut to getting off this damn ride.

Not if you D for the wrong reasons, no its not. Your life cold be filled with "what ifs"

If you have to ask which you need to do, youre not ready to make a decision yet...

betrayedidiot posted 4/15/2014 11:54 AM

I guess that is what I was trying to say in way -- D is "faster" compared to uncertainty forever. With someone who has become a professional liar, the ride will never be over.

ButterflyGirl posted 4/15/2014 12:39 PM

My opinion is that I did actually begin healing faster because I left so soon.. He didn't offer me R, but he basically offered for me to allow him to continue his A underground. Uh, no thanks.

When they are acting like they want to get back together, you have the added stress of trying to figure out whether they are being truthful or manipulating you. So hard to tell, I imagine. In that, I'm thankful my ex was a complete dick to me, and that made my decision easier.. One month of false R with him continuing to lie and cheat after he saw the pain I was having was enough for me..

I'm not guaranteed a great new relationship, and maybe there is a chance I could have found some happiness sticking around, but I make myself happy now.. I wouldn't have gotten here if I had spent a bunch of time trying to fix him and us. Leaving our marriage issues and all our problems was such a sigh of relief, and I've gotten so much work done on myself since I got him and his toxic bull out of my life.

I think another hurdle for you is the amount of TT you could go through. He lied to you for SEVEN years. You know how many lies that is? You could listen to him for weeks straight and still not hear him confess everything. It's just so much betrayal..

Someone else said 4 months. My ex was with her at least a year and a half. I think giving me the details would have been necessary for healing for both of us, with him taking full responsibility, but how the hell do you cover that much ground?

I just think you have a really big uphill battle, and honestly, I think you might save yourself a lot of heartache by leaving sooner if you think it's a dealbreaker..

Does D make recovery go faster? I think it did for me..

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