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Examples of gaining independence/self strength during R

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WarmFuzzy posted 4/14/2014 10:20 AM

Hi guys. I'm new here. A year + out from DDay and both my WS and I are committed to making our damaged marriage work.

I've been married 25 years to this man, and our lives and habits are deeply rooted.

Even though I am committed to trying to heal and continue our marriage, I feel very unequally dependent on him. I feel the need to change that. I want to protect myself in any way from being so crushed and traumatized by what happened. If it happens again, that is.

Does anyone have any examples to share of how you have grown stronger during R? Going back to work or cultivating a new interest or maybe just not focusing so much on the person that has hurt you so deeply?

Thanks in advance to collective brain here at SI!

rachelc posted 4/14/2014 10:31 AM

I took graduate credits so I could rise as high as I could in my profession. Also, I took a 2nd job where I officiate a sport that is an interest of mine. I could work more in that profession, if I needed to.

Alexisk17 posted 4/14/2014 10:43 AM

After dday I felt it was very important to take some time and focus on myself for a little while. I have spent many years focused on WH's career and the needs of our young children, I needed the space more than ever.

WH and I separated for 3 months after dday, being alone at home with the kids all day was incredibly difficult. At the end of the day though we survived and I managed to get meals on the table and everyone was bathed. I could do this on my own if I needed to, which was an incredibly empowering lesson to learn. I don't think I would be at this place in our R if I hadn't learned to do this on my own.

Before dday I had been toying with the idea of switching careers. WH and I had decided that I was not going to go back to work after our youngest was born but that I would stay home with the kids and focus on retraining to become a yoga teacher. Well, dday happened and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of staying out of the work force. I wanted to be able to provide a living for my kids on my own should it ever come to that point again. At the same time I felt robbed of the opportunity to work in a field that I am passionate about. So I decided to do both.

I am currently enrolled in a two year training program which is aprox 10hours of study/ classes per week. I am also working 4 days a week as a legal assistant. This means that WH is home with the kids in the evenings while I am in class/ studying. This was a big adjustment for him (prior to dday he was out with "friends" 4x a week) but he has been positive and encouraging every step of the way.

LivingLearning posted 4/14/2014 11:28 AM

What are your hobbies? Do you have a good friend group?

I would suggest exploring hobbies that you are interested in and ones that you aren't. See what brings a smile to your face. It might surprise you what you find fun. Our city has community education classes for adults. Everything from making soap, to sewing, to group work outs, to outdoor hikes.

For me, it is nature. Going on a hike really helps me to think through things and see what I want out of life.

Working out - this is really important. Do it for you. Make it the place that you take out anger or cheers you up, to associate it with good feelings. Join work out classes and make friends with those in the class.

karmahappens posted 4/14/2014 11:28 AM

I planted myself in IC and learned about my )no so good) coping skills that needed fixing. I made changes in myself so that I would be strong enough emotionally to take care of me.

I separated all of our joint accounts and worked very hard to become debt free.

I set up a savings account for myself so if I ever felt the need to go, I could, without permission or hesitation.

My husband was aware of my changes, it wasn't done behind his back but with his understanding of what I needed for me.

Although I said yes to continuing our road together I had to become able to walk it alone.

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