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I Cannot Believe I'm Here

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soulshattered posted 4/14/2014 10:24 AM

Well, here it goes. 4 April 2014! Worse day of my life. My WS is out of the country for work. Prior to that she had to take some training in another town. In hindsight that's when, for the first time, the password went on the phone. That's when emails to someone she was calling by a nickname began, but she told me it was just for work. Well, I got to read all of the emails they sent to each other. I got to see HER words to him about how much she loved him, how good he was, how lucky she was to have him, how she didn't want to hurt him. I got to see the pictures they took while they were on little mini-vacations together. I got to hear her talk about making love to him when for several years now I've been patiently waiting for her to come around physically, ever since the cancer treatment that I stood by her through. Then the lies began. It started as a friendship only. Then it only happened once. Then because I was so upset she wouldn't answer any more questions, if I wanted to know I could figure it out - so I did. I found it all out one disgusting layer at a time. She started sleeping with him almost immediately. It continued at XMas while we were worrying about her not being home at such an important time. It continued on a vacation that I helped her plan and one where I gave her (them) ideas of some wonderful things to explore. And so it went. Then she came home and told him how sorry she was for hurting him by being with me. When she got home though, back to reality, she couldn't continue so she called it off. And then a couple of days later I found out everything. So I had to leave the house. I had to rely on friends for support. I had to soul search and work through the first few days alone while she sat in our dream home and surrounded herself with comfort. And all through everything she did all of the textbook moves: blamed it on US instead of HER because the relationship wasn't perfect; lied; continued to hide phone numbers and facts; got angry at my questions; tried to control what I needed to begin healing, etc., etc. This woman is the absolute love of my life. We have been together for 21 years and until now no infidelity. We weren't perfect but we weren't so far broken as to be irreparable and now I don't know. Here's the kicker though, she has one month left outside the country and instead of giving that up she went back. She's there now and she needs some time to decide if SHE has the strength to rebuild. I may just be the biggest idiot on planet earth, but I do know one thing - it's a one-time chance for her. There will be NO third chances. I thought it would be cathartic to get this out but it really isn't. Who knows, maybe it will be at some point. Anyway that's the nutshell. The physical affair was horrendous but the words she spoke to him were far worse ...

shatteredBroken posted 4/14/2014 10:40 AM

I'm sorry to find you here. I hate the fact that I've found myself here as well.

I am so sorry you are starting on this journey through hell. But, know there are a bunch of us going through the same or similar things here.

Sometimes I find myself angrier for some of the stuff I read here, but sometimes I find a bit of hope and reassurance.

I discovered my wife's affair almost 2 months ago and it's still crushing and debilitating. But, it's better than those first weeks. Things do get better, although it might be in teeny tiny bits.

I can see our marriage becoming stronger, it's already improved in some ways. But, I am still recovering from the deep, deep wounds... and wonder if they will truly ever heal.

Best of luck, Brother. Hang in there.

TrustedHer posted 4/14/2014 10:43 AM

Please take care of yourself.

Drink water.

Eat. If you can't eat, try smoothies or Ensure.

Read in the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen. Definitely read the BS FAQ's.

toomanyregrets posted 4/14/2014 10:51 AM

I'm so sorry your here.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP.
Protect yourself.

You have one month to decide if your WW is worth the pain your going through. So far it's all about her. Now it needs to be about YOU.

Caretaker1 posted 4/14/2014 10:59 AM

What do you do when she and her family rub the new person in your face? I wish I had the chance for reconciliation but also realize she's not right. Unfortunately children are involved so It's hard to detach fully.

confused615 posted 4/14/2014 11:09 AM

You need to 180 her ass.

Be firm. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Then tell her you will not share your wife with OM. That while she is gone YOU are deciding if she is deserving of another chance. Then go "dark" on her..except kids and finances.

When she comes back, watch her actions. Her words don't mean shit..she'a liar.

Who is OM? Is he married? Does he have a GF? Have you investigated him yourself?

Im so sorry. Welcome to SI.

norabird posted 4/14/2014 12:17 PM


You have been heard. Amazingly, the physical aspect is almost less painful than the emotional betrayal, though the mind movies are awful when they come. Know that everything you are feeling is normal.

Many of us feel we must give these people who have betrayed and hurt us so cruelly and consciously another chance. With time, as my fog has cleared, I have come to believe that this stems from a denial that our partner is not the same as we are. We know how strong our love is; we think therefore that they must just need to rediscover it. We know how much our relationship means to us; we can't imagine it should be thrown away, or could be. In a way it is a failure of our imagination. It comes out of having a good character, and integrity, and true love in our hearts. Sometimes unfortunately the people we are with lack those things, and we are just projecting them.

It will take time to tell if your WW has your same sterling qualities, or not. It will also take her seeing real consequences, instead of being met by compassion or selflessness on your part.

Since she has gone back, I presume to be with this OM, you should gather up your strength, and act in your own best interests by seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce. See if that wakes her up. Limbo is painful beyond measure. You sit in agony, while she enjoys her fling and has a little pity party over what to choose. When of course it should be a no-brainer! You are NOT anyone's second choice. You deserve far more than that. Show you won't accept less by getting serious about this, right now. It will save you from much unneeded pain.

[This message edited by norabird at 3:27 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

Daddo posted 4/14/2014 12:30 PM

I'm so sorry you are here - but, please, stay - you will get a lot of support and advice here.

No-one can understand the pain you are in unless they have walked in your shoes, we have, we get it.

What you do now and how you behave over the next days and weeks will have a profound impact on your life, on any chance of reconciling - if that is worth considering.

Start by reading the 180 rules - these are a valuable guide on how to act during this crisis. You can find them here:

In fact, read the whole BS FAQ

Realize that you have taken an extreme emotional blow - you are in crisis. You need help - a counselor, therapist - someone who understands and who you can talk to.

You cannot make plans for the rest of your life right now - don't try. Just get through each day, one day at a time.

The 180 rules will:

1. Show her you are serious
2. Help you regain your self-respect
3. Remind her of who you are - of the man she fell in love with. That is the man she needs to see - not the wounded and damaged man you are today. It will remind you of that guy too.
4. It will set boundries - ways you behave with someone worth trusting and loving vs ways you behave with a cheat

Take care of yourself - work out every day - you have all kinds of adrenalin running through you - keeping you up all night, giving you anxiety attacks, hurting like a physical pain in your chest. Work it off.

Keep reading and posting, we are here for you

soulshattered posted 4/14/2014 19:31 PM

As far as I know the affair is over. She called it off just before I found out. He's not out of the country with her so that's not an issue. I was having a conversation with her today and she's insinuated that, and these are her words, "there's a third party here that we haven't discussed and I don't want to right now, but I have to deal with that as well." Now maybe I'm a damn fool but I assume she's referring to the SOB she cheated with. Am I missing something here? Why is that even an issue? If she's serious about reconciliation there will be no more inserting this individual into MY life. I don't think that's an unfair thing to expect. Any thoughts??

soulshattered posted 4/14/2014 19:34 PM

My bad, for all of you who responded to my post, thank you. Your words were very comforting. I'm ex military (32 years) and I've seen and done some stuff but nothing this hard. This is just devastating. I never thought that I'd ever need to use a forum like this to find my way but I'm sure glad it's here. I'm used to dealing with things myself and I'm used to fixing things, but this is way out of my wheel house.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/14/2014 19:43 PM

Sorry you're here, soulshattered. We're here for you.

What the heck did she mean by the third party comment? Is there ANOTHER OM?

She's there now and she needs some time to decide if SHE has the strength to rebuild.
She's telling you she wants to cake-eat, fence-sit. Knock her off the fence and take away her cake.

This might help you deal with her. It's a lot of different posts condensed into one post, so keep reading beyond the first one:

doggiediva posted 4/14/2014 19:45 PM

Maybe an OC...
Please take care of and protect yourself...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:46 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

norabird posted 4/14/2014 20:37 PM

Your WW saying that she has broken things off means nothing. She is fully capable of lying and taking this underground. I have no idea what she meant by her cryptic statement, but I'll tell you what it means to me--it says 'I am continuing to be dishonest and selfish and I am a toxic person for soul shattered right now, not that I care at all about treating him right at this point'.

Blindsided2014 posted 4/14/2014 22:26 PM

I understand your statement the words were far worse. I suspected he was cheating but seeing the words I want you, I need you was a gut punch. I am glad you took some time for yourself. I think I might need to do that, although he is already begging to come back. It was a mistake he says yet he is still saying that to her 5 months after the first and if he is to believed only physical encounter. Know that none of this is your fault. It's only been three days since I found out but I have already realized that. Good luck.

12yearsloyal posted 4/14/2014 23:00 PM

My WS is out of the country as well. I think this makes it extra hard. Mine is there indefinitely. Tonight I told him I wrote a letter to him this morning but did not send it. He wanted to know what was in my letter. I think he is worried I will file D. Interesting how you can turn things around quickly when you get some of your posture back. I am a month into this and I have to tell you it gets easier (not much but some) as a few weeks pass. He has been put on alert that I am at the end of my rope. Knocking them out of their fantasy world is the best bet as many on here will say.

Uhtred posted 4/15/2014 02:23 AM

You are right when you said the words kill you the most. We've all read the same old bullshit. While I was out working hard for my family my wife was at home burning up her phone with emails, texts, skyping, and meeting up. It all sucks but I'll tell you things do get better. Sending you some strength brother

soulshattered posted 4/15/2014 09:15 AM

Maybe I'll regret this later, but here's the fleshed out details of my story:

We've been together for 21 years this May. About 10 years into the relationship things started to stagnate a bit for both of us and she had issues with a low sex drive. Of course I thought it was because she was no longer interested in my but she swore to me it was all her and I bought into that although I never really believed it. Over the last 6 years she has had some fairly serious medical issues that eventually developed into all out cervical cancer and a complete hysterectomy at a very young age. Through it all I was there, I stood by her side patiently. The one thing that was central to my life was that I love this woman more than life itself. Following the surgery and the treatments, although the doctors gave her a clean bill of health there was no sex life. We have not had intercourse for years (6-8) but we have been intimate in other ways. For the last 5 years she's claiming that it's physically painful and I believed her and I've been patiently waiting and praying that we'd get by this.
She has a government job and was to be employed outside the country for a six-month period. Leading up the this, she was required to take a training course in another province for a period of a couple of weeks prior to leaving. When she came back from this course she had a password on her phone and explained that it was because other course mates were taking pictures with her phone so she just did it to block them, but she would not divulge the code. Fair enough. Just prior to her leaving I saw an email chain from some guy in another country (not the one she was going to) and it was fairly generic, but she called him by a nick name, something didn't sit well with this because she explained to me that this was a work thing and this individual was a superior in the pecking order. Also, there was a full size colour picture of this man and she told me that it was a work requirement and had a legitimate purpose, so I bought into it.
For the last couple of months before her departure she became more and more closed down and withdrawn. She was quick to anger and quick to fight. Now, a serious lack of open communication has plagued our relationship since day one. I've always begged and pleaded with her to open up and be honest and forthright and to discuss issues, but she never could and never did. Two days before she leaves she finally opens up and tells me she is unhappy and she's not sure what she wants anymore. She's not sure if she wants to continue in our life and our relationship and she needs time. Well two days before you leave for six months is a pretty shitty time to start being hones, but okay.
She leaves, and my coins all drop. I start approaching my relationship with a new and improved attitude. I get it. I know we have to do something if anything is going to work out and I choose to do whatever needs to be done. We skype daily. She tells me she loves me and misses me. We have some pretty decent conversations. I write her poetry, I send her cards and love letters, I take care of our home and our families and I pour my heart out to her. I tell her my fears and of my unwavering commitment and love for her. And she keeps me tagging along saying all the right things.
Christmas comes and this has always been the most special time for our family. I'm not a sap but this holiday has always been my favourite and we've built some beautiful family traditions over the last 21 years. She has the option of coming home, but opts to save her short vacation time for later in the winter when she's planning a trip home. One of our biggest issues in our relationship is that she says I never want to go anywhere, so I offer to meet her anywhere in the world of her choosing. She shut me down saying she'd only have a few days off so it's financially not a good idea. She's going to take a local tour with a group. Over Christmas the family was apart and we felt so bad for her being away and not being with family. We skyped with her daily and she was having fun, "but it's wasn't the same" according to her.
Christmas is over now and life goes on. As part of her employment she was entitled to a four day trip so she decided to go to one of the places in the world that's always been an interest of mine oddly enough. I was excited for her because it's historic, romantic, and fascinating. I gave her travel tips, places to go, things to see and I lived vicariously through her photos and emails because apparently skype didn't work there.
Finally her trip back to me and our home happens. I'm as excited as I've never been before. I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl. I meet her at the airport and my heart literally exploded because I love her so much. Everything is going along fairly smoothly but we are not being intimate. I don't want to rush anything, but I do mention to her that she's been home a week and we haven't had an intimate moment - she just shrugs it off as life as normal. Her second week home she blew it.
She screwed up her GMail log in and the reset message defaults to my email because she doesn't know how to do it. I open it and reset the password and the first name I see is the "guy" who was just a work thing - the guy in the picture. So I read the emails! April 4th, 2014 my life ended. She's using language of love. Not simple things, but I love you more than anything, and you are the love of my life, and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and on and on. So I confront her and her first response was anger because I looked at her email. Then the reality kicked in that she couldn't hide anymore. They were her words. Then the lying starts. First off it started as a friendship on the training course - there was no intimacy. Her passport was stamped at the arrivals in the country where HE was employed on Christmas Day! She had gone to him and given herself to him. I was devastated. She swears this was it. Then a day or two later she's out so I go to the gmail account and I find the rest of the emails. Approximately 100 of them. They discussed me. They made me a joke. She told him things about me and us that nobody has the right to know. She apologized for hurting him by having to spend time at home with me. And on and on and on. Then there were the pictures. It wasn't just Christmas, he flew to her on the four day trip that I gave the travel advice on. There were pictures of them together in the most romantic settings that I told her about. And so the lies continued. Then I have to leave my home because somebody has to. Then I have to impose on friends. I have to answer the hard questions while she hides from reality in our house. She tells me, and I have reason to believe her, that she called it off just before I discovered the truth. Too little, too late. I told our inner circle of friends and our parents and she's mad at me for it. I need to be able to deal honestly with them and she's mad at me. She will not give answers. She will not give details. She wants to control what I need to start processing - all typical textbook behaviour.
So I soul search and I dig deep and I analyze and I swallow my pride and make her the only offer I can - I want to at least give our 21 years the respect it deserves and try to work through this together but only if we can bot commit 100%. Now she needs time to think about if that's something she can do. She's not sure if we can fix our relationship. She blames the relationship for the affair - all of the same old BS. So then I find out another layer, the PA started when they were on the training months before she left and my world gets rocked again.
Now she's back overseas. She says she has no contact with him and I think I believe that, but I've been fooled before. Everyone in her circle of acquaintances over there is being unfaithful to their respective partners so not the best perspective building venue but she had to go back to finish her last month of employment. She couldn't let down her bosses. And here I sit eating fistful after fistful of shit because I love her and I can't just throw it all away. The relationship we had was far from perfect, but it was solid at its core and it had tons of potential. Now what? I don't know if there are any more layers to this or not and I may never know it all. I don't know why I'm so willing to be a doormat, but how do you bail on the only woman you've ever truly loved. I've stood by her through some pretty horrendous things over the time we've been together and how can anyone just toss that aside? So many questions and so few answers.
For all of you who have responded to me thank you so much. It saddens me greatly that there is this much ugliness in the world. I hope that all of you find the peace in your hears and the solace in your minds that you deserve. Thank you all!

kiki1 posted 4/15/2014 09:31 AM


Be cautious. When my wh's affair was exposed, we also separated. At the time, he told me also that he no longer saw the ap.

Foolishly, I believed him and didnot find out until 2years later, that he had continued to see her right up to the time he moved back home with me.

ugh, I feel like such a fool. Its called taking the affair underground. Many ws's do. What an incredibly cruel thing to do.

Sometimes, a separation has to happen, it did in my case. But if you do end up reconciling with your wife, I wouldnt advise doing anything towards that while separated.

You need to be in close proximity with each other.

So sorry your here Soulshattered,,,,,

MC_Jack posted 4/15/2014 09:51 AM

You are not a doormat for loving her.

Just now you need to give her 'tough love'. And love yourself too.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:47 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 4/15/2014 10:14 AM

How do you bail on the only woman you have ever loved?

By loving yourself more.

If she came back, there would be certain basic things a BS a marriage needs...after an affair...that she would have to do. transparent...drop the friends and acquaintances that think cheating is fine...get tested for STD's(you need to do this asap)...answer your questions...own her shit..take full responsibility for her affair..without blaming you or the marriage.

Does it sound like she would do all of this? Any of this?

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:15 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

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