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any joy in life?

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islesguy posted 4/14/2014 11:20 AM

My BS has been through hell and back and is rightfully angry, depressed, and completely untrusting and I understand why she can't have any fun in the present.

But, she has stated many times that for the rest of her life she will never be able to do anything at anytime without either relating it in some way to my betrayal or thinking that even if it seems like she is having some fun on the outside, she will always be hurting and thinking about the fact that her husband betrayed her on the inside.

I completely believe her when she tells me this but I am just wondering if it is because she can't even contemplate a time when she could enjoy something in life because she is living in the hell that her life is now. I know that there will always be a black cloud over everything because of my betrayal but I am heartbroken to believe that she can never have any joy ever again.

Are there any non divorced betrayed spouses out there that have been able to have any real joy in their lives and if so how far from dday was this possible for you? Was it only possible for you when you were without the company of your wayward?

catlover50 posted 4/14/2014 11:54 AM

So I am a BS 18 months from Dday #2. I also had trickle truth for months between Dday #1 (H said it was "just" a 2 year EA) and #2 (surprise, it was a four year PA!) And I have had numerous instances of joy in the last year. Mixed in with sadness.

Just this weekend I was thinking about how much I love my life.

Now I tend to be a Pollyanna and positive to a fault, some say. But I also consciously seek out joy, adventure, nature, activity, animals to pet, etc. With and without my H. He has actually been a major source of joy for me, since he has steadfastly turned into the H I have always deserved.

Is your BS in IC? I sure hope that she can envision joy in her future someday.

Jrazz posted 4/14/2014 12:02 PM

I've experienced great joy both with and without my FWH. It takes a long time to get there, and it's really scary the first year or so after DDay when we can't seem to conjure those feelings to save our life. I wrote a post about this a while ago...

Keep working on it. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but you really have to make the effort to get there.

Wodnships posted 4/14/2014 12:02 PM

If your BS consistently believes she will never feel happiness again I'd strongly suggest IC. I think most BS' feel that way some of the time, but I couldn't imagine living my life in that bleakness long term. It's a very dangerous place to be.

NoMorDeceit posted 4/14/2014 12:10 PM

Yes, I have joy in my life. Every. Single. Day. I have joy with my H every single day now. I'm 5 years out. I can remember saying to my H during years 1-3.5 or so, I'll never find joy in anything again. Every single thing is tainted by what you did (I can remember my voice dripping with hate and contempt). It really isn't true, but there is nothing you can do to explain that or push that along. She will at some point feel a moment of joy in something and that will take root as she moves beyond what you have done. It takes a really long time for that pain to fade...that assumes you are doing everything she needs you to do for her recovery and healing.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 12:10 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 4/14/2014 12:13 PM

I do find joy - but it's fleeting. I'm optimistically hopeful about this! Primarily because I'm a rather cynical person by nature. If I can find joy anyone can!

somanyyears posted 4/14/2014 12:32 PM fWW asked me this very question before she left this morning.

..we are 5 years out, as of yesterday!

..i try to take joy in life's everyday things, i can smile and laugh.. i feel a father's joy for my children.

..yet i carry with me a heavy truth of knowing so much of my life was a lie.. it is that 'black cloud' that hangs over our life.

..that weight keeps me from "jumping for joy".. has to do with my spirit and zest for life having been crushed by the weight of the double betrayal..kind of took the wind out of my sails..

..can turn into depression, no doubt

..not a healthy place to be. My wife worries that i may be headed there.. 2 are about a year+ out and have a ways to go on this journey.. your BS may not get her mojo back for a while.. keep supporting her, keep trying to spark her joy finder..

..and give her space if that's what she needs..

Was it only possible for you when you were without the company of your wayward?

..good luck to you islesguy


[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:36 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

sisoon posted 4/14/2014 12:34 PM

I echo Wodnships' call for IC. This long after D-Day, I think your W could use some help.

At this point, I think the majority of BSes do feel some joy at least a little bit of the time. Your W may be stuck at some stage of recovery, and IC can help her get unstuck - or confirm that her process just takes longer than most BSes do.

islesguy posted 4/14/2014 13:30 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I truly hope that she can find some joy some day. She is not in IC because of all of my failures in the past few years since dday and because she doesn't believe a therapist can help her. I hope that one day she changes her mind about IC not for me but for herself.

Deeply Scared posted 4/14/2014 14:11 PM

Moving to the WS Forum.

islesguy posted 4/14/2014 14:27 PM

Deeply Scared

Why do mods keep moving my posts?

I was specifically looking for responses from betrayed spouses and wanted this in the general forum?

You have moved my posts before and I don't understand why? Is there some rule that I should know about?

Deeply Scared posted 4/14/2014 14:34 PM

I was specifically looking for responses from betrayed spouses and wanted this in the general forum?

BS's have the ability to reply in this forum. It prevents BS's from triggering that don't want to read or interact with a WS on the General forum.

islesguy posted 4/14/2014 14:36 PM

Yes, but I assume less BS read the wayward forum than general.

So, are you saying that WS not allowed to post in general?

Deeply Scared posted 4/14/2014 14:38 PM

Your assumption is incorrect, many, many BS's read and reply in here.

Again, not every BS on General wants to interact and/or read from a WS...hence the WS forum.

islesguy posted 4/14/2014 14:39 PM

So, is there an official rule that I am not following that says that WS can't post or reply in the general forum?

Deeply Scared posted 4/14/2014 14:43 PM

It's not an official rule, its just common courtesy to respect the BS's on General and allow them the freedom to not interact with WS's unless they choose to do so in this forum.

Sammy2013 posted 4/14/2014 15:00 PM

I am not quite 3 months from, what I am hoping, is the final DDay. I had trickle truth from Day 1. Many days I don't feel like I will ever find happiness. But I have surprised myself. I do find good times and happiness. Both with and without my WH.

If your wife isn't in IC, I would highly recommend it. She is most likely suffering from depression and needs to be given some tools to help her. I fell very deep once all had been revealed and managed to pull myself out. I did it without the use of meds, but just barely and if I had to do it again I would have utilized some just to make it easier.

And like your BS, I feel like I will always be thinking about the betrayal. I think about it all the time now and look forward to the day it doesn't dominate my thoughts. But I know that is a long time in coming. I concentrate on finding joy in my days now and just take it a day at a time.

And remember, everyone's healing is different. Something I feel at 3 months out might be felt by someone else 2 weeks out, or 2 years out. Everyone and every situation is different. No healing timeline is right or wrong. It's important for your BS to know this.

cdnmommy posted 4/14/2014 15:00 PM

isles guy, just a thought. Has your BS been assessed for depression? I just know for me the inability to envision feeling better was associated with postpartum depression, and I experienced depression again after DDay. Hopelessness is a key indicator.

This may or may not apply in your situation, but it is worth looking into.

bionicgal posted 4/14/2014 15:05 PM

10 months out, I feel joy on occasion! Heck, I did in spurts all along. There is a lot of greyness sometimes, and some big 'ol pits in the road, but yes -- there should be some joy, some levity, somewhere. Not sustained, but spotty.

I concur with the depression screening. Sorry you all are having such a hard time.

knightsbff posted 4/14/2014 23:11 PM

Isles guy,

My BH still says the same thing. He has some enjoyment in life on occasion and he is active and plans outings and things he wants to do but everything is tainted.

I just keep hoping for him to some day in time find peace and joy. I try to find ways to help. I believe IC would help but he's not interested right now, nor will he consider ADs.

BUT lately he is showing an interest in doing things that are just for him. He's working out, eating healthy, getting back into martial arts, he asked me to give him a massage the other day. I consider all of these very positive signs. I strive to support and encourage.

I'm hopeful...

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