"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SisterMilkshake posted 4/14/2014 15:18 PM

DS18 is a Senior this year. Today was "Senior Skip Day" which is not a school sanctioned day off. He has already missed many school days this year from cold/snow days and migraine headaches. He wanted me to call him in today, I said no to go to school.

He skipped school. Took off and acted like he was going to school. Spent the day with his girlfriend at the gym and then they went to watch a movie at a theatre.

He is a good kid. Really. We don't have issues with him. But, I am angry. He lied and broke my trust. The school called and asked about his call in as it seemed suspicious to them as probably half the Senior class was gone. (A class of 730) Do I cover for him or does he pay the consequences? Should he have a consequence at home too? Am I over reacting? I want to ground him for a week and he will get a detention at school.

ajsmom posted 4/14/2014 15:21 PM

You told him no.

He did it anyway.

IMO not punishing him only justifies his behavior.

AJ's MOM

TrustNoOne posted 4/14/2014 15:40 PM

I had to do the same thing 5 years ago.

Actions and decisions - meet consequences. This is the first of many action/decision points in his life....perhaps a valuable teaching moment, Mom.

As much as it sucks. Been there. Done that.

I was not always the "popular" parent. But my son knew that I said what I meant and I meant what I said.

stroppy_wanadoo posted 4/14/2014 15:41 PM

No way are you over reacting. You set a clear boundary for him, and he broke it. Sometimes I think it's almost more important to stick to consequences when a "good" kid breaks a rule. It probably makes a bigger impact than a kid who is getting in trouble all the time.

tushnurse posted 4/14/2014 16:22 PM

Your job as a parent is to raise a responsible productive member of society. This is neither. I would definitely punish my kid if he pulled this stunt more so because he was told no.
That's totally disrespectful.
I would do more than ground him. He'd be scrubbing toilets, floors and mowing and weed eating for the foreseeable future.

k94ever posted 4/14/2014 17:43 PM

Actions, meet consequences.

k9

Pentup posted 4/14/2014 19:04 PM

We had Sr Skip Day. My parents said, we won't cover for you. I did 8hrs of detention (only time in my life I had detention). But I'd didn't lie about it and I did not get added home consequences. If they had told me no and I did it anyway ... , detention would have been a reprieve!

Jrazz posted 4/14/2014 22:15 PM

Oh man I remember my senior skip day. I was THE. ONLY. SENIOR. ON. CAMPUS.

In our community is was widely forgiven. There was no unusual punishment at school. Some of the teachers who only had senior classes didn't even show. I had no classes to go to, so I hung out with the director of student activities all day.

My mom threatened to take my car if I cut, and I believed her. In my case, I think it was excessive, but that's because the school basically condoned it.

In your case, I don't think you should cover for him at all. He made his choices, and he lied to you. There were clear consequences for all of these things and it's important that he takes responsibility for his actions in all things.

Rock and a hard place for parents. I get it. (((SM)))

allusions posted 4/14/2014 22:34 PM

The schools I went to had "Senior Ditch Day" but one school was very hard-nosed about it. They sent out a warning letter to parents ahead of time, called all of the parents of absent students to verify why the students were absent, and scheduled detentions for the kids who were caught. The other school I went to was very laid-back about it. The school principal got on the school intercom the day after and said how amazing it was that the seniors had recovered from "the flu" so quickly, and reminded everyone it was time to get serious again and focus on school.

Yes, the issue is that you specifically told him no, then he lied to you, disobeyed you, and deceived you. There have to be some kind of consequences.

Dreamboat posted 4/14/2014 23:04 PM

The difference between your DS and me, I did not ask. I just skipped and let the chips fall where they may. I cannot recall if I had to do detention or not. If I did then it was with half the senior class and many juniors too. My mother did not cover for me and I did not ask her to. By that point I had already skipped many days my senior year (I was a good student and already accepted at university -- I knew my senior year did not count except if I flunked) and been punished by the school (so so many days in detention I lost count...) My attitude was wtf-ever.

First, do not cover for him. He needs to accept whatever consequences the school gives (assuming they are not unreasonable like he cannot graduate or something). If that means taking a 0 on a quiz or a test, so be it. His choice, his consequence.

However...

I said no to go to school.

I am assuming he did not tell you that he was not planning to go to school. Did he actually say he would go to school, or did you just assume he would? What I mean, did you honestly and truly think he was going to school and did he tell you he would go to school? Or did you leave it in a limbo state where you said "go to school" but he never said he would and both of you knew he would not? Or did you leave it in a state where he knew you said go to school but he thought you would not care? Or did he flat out tell you that he would not go to school?

I am not trying to split hairs, but I am trying to gauge the level of deception. I think his punishment at home should equal his level of deception.

Unagie posted 4/14/2014 23:13 PM

Yep I remember senior skip day. My best friend and I were two of the 100-200 kids to actually show up. My graduating class was 1000+ kids. My mom told me to go to school, no or else, no threatened punishment but I knew how deep I'd be if I cut so I went. Your son lied to you and blatantly went against what jou told him do not cover. Actions have consequences and he's old enough to be made aware.

StrongerOne posted 4/14/2014 23:18 PM

Dreamboat,
It really does sound like splitting hairs. What difference does it make whether he thought she meant that that if he didn't tell her...

She told him to go to school. He disobeyed her. He lied to her.

As a parent I do not get into all this "but I thought you meant" hoohah with my teen DS. Arguing or making excuses or "but I thought since you didn't say XYZ" just ups the consequence. Even before my H's A, lying was the number one sin in our house. Even more now, if that's possible.

Sister M, regardless of how the school takes it, whether they are lax or strict, doesn't matter. What matters is what *you* said. Consequences AND a discussion about lying, respect, and being disappointed in his lack of trustworthiness.

caregiver9000 posted 4/14/2014 23:21 PM

He asked for you to condone him skipping and you said no. He did it anyway. I expect he knows his actions have consequences. I would ask him what he expects those consequences to be? This will give you an idea of where he sees his behavior. Is it a betrayal of trust (in his eyes) or an "adult" decision with consequences he was willing to accept. I would not cover for him with the school. As for the lie... deal with that separately. How would you have rather he handled it, given what his intentions were upon leaving? Have that discussion with him.

Is he going to college where skipping is sooooo easy and self regulating behavior is important?

trumanshow posted 4/15/2014 07:41 AM

I did this 30 years ago! some things never change. We got detention

Dreamboat posted 4/15/2014 08:50 AM

I was trying to gauge whether your DS only disobeyed you or if he both disobeyed AND deceived you.

I expect teenagers and young adults to disobey their parents. I am not saying it is right, I am saying it is expected because we, their parents, have taught them to make their own decisions. So that has to be considered. However, I also believe in "my house, my rules" and disobeying me has consequences.

If he also deceived, well because of where I am at in life and what I have been thru this is a very serious crime. My DD KNOWS that I do not take lying and deception lightly. If she blatantly lied and deceived me then I might take away her access to the car. She would have to ride the bus to school which for her would have a bigger impact than grounding.

osxgirl posted 4/15/2014 14:12 PM

Yeah, since you told him to go and he didn't, then he should expect consequences from that.

And even though I think the senior ditch day is a pretty harmless thing, I wouldn't cover for him with the school. I would never have asked my mom to lie for me (and I don't think she would have). At my high school, it was a pretty well established thing, at least when I went there. I don't remember giving a note or anything for that day - it was just expected that the seniors would be out that day. But I know schools have gotten a lot more strict about attendance since then.

Funny thing is, most seniors made huge plans for that day - going to the beach or something like that. My group of friends and I hadn't made any specific plans, so we just ended up heading to a mall that was in the next state over (but only about 30 minutes away - as close as going to our "local" mall). And while we were there, in the middle of the school day, we ran into... our principal. Yep, what are the chances? We waved, he just shook his head and smiled, and that was the end of it. We thought it was pretty funny that even our principal was ditching on senior ditch day! I was more timid back then. These days, I probably would have teased the principal about needing to give him detention.

So yeah, while I find it hard to take it too seriously, especially if he is a good kid... you made a rule and he broke it. So, I would punish as you see fit if I were you. And if you decide not to punish... you could still let him take the school punishment, and make it clear that you are only giving a one time exception/leniency. I know for our ditch day, my mom made it clear that she didn't care if I skipped, but that if the school punished for it, I would have to live with whatever punishment they gave.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 2:13 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 4/17/2014 08:32 AM

Thanks all. It is very hard for me to be the "bad guy" (co-dependant tendencies ), but I know I have to be the "bad guy". I really wish I hadn't told him "no" because honestly, I don't feel it was a big deal, too. He doesn't even need the credits from this trimester, he has all the credits he needs to graduate already. Technically, he doesn't even have to go to school. However, since he is, I feel he needs to follow the "rules".

Thanks for all the support in being the uncool mean Mom.

StrongerOne posted 4/17/2014 10:09 AM

Seriously, you are not the "bad guy." You are the mom. Even if you are joking, don't think of yourself like that or say that about yourself. Makes it easier to do what you know is right.

As I say to my DS, I'm not here to be nice. I'm here to be your mom.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/17/2014 11:37 AM

Yeah, I was joking StrongerOne. But, there is a wee part of me that does feel that way.

As I say to my DS, I'm not here to be nice. I'm here to be your mom.

Yes, I have said a version of that to all my children, too.

You triggered a memory for me, though. Our middle son was/is the kid who has to march to the beat of a different drummer. From the moment he was born (colic, only slept in 20 min spurts for about a month) I felt his purpose in life was to drive me insane. Nearly did! When DS got to his tweens, he really put me through it, all through his early 20's actually. Gosh, I had to be the Mom & Dad (FWH was checked out....won't go there) and middle son hated me. HATED ME! Told me, wrote about it in notebooks/journals (yeah, I read it, had to).

Following yet another "incident" of some sort, I had to go pick him and 2 girls up somewhere. I was very angry with son, but I talked calmly to all of them about what was going on, pointing out better ways to have handled the situation and letting them know they made some bad choices and there was a price to pay. DS was pissed and embarrassed.

They were all about 15-16 y.o. at the time. Later on after I had dropped the girls off and got home I found a note in the back seat. It was from one of the girls. It said:

I (heart) U DS's Mom
(heart) Kayla
No Matter What DS says (shhhhh) You Are the Coolest Mom Ever! x

I have kept that note in my undie drawer and had to read it countless times whilst dealing with middle DS. I haven't had to read it in a long time. I just actually remembered it again. It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

You see, Kayla had what every kid thought was the coolest parents evah! They didn't give a shit what Kayla did. She could do whatever she wanted. They just didn't care. Our DS knew I cared and could always count on me. Not because I would bail them out, but because I cared. Even though there was always consequences, at least for my kid, he knew he could always call me.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:41 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]