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Did anyone else feel ugly around the stbx?

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Faithful w/Love posted 4/14/2014 15:29 PM

because I sure do. I have felt like me or myself sense I moved back. This has to be effecting my self-esteem. I feel beautiful when I am not around him but when I am home I feel ugly! IS this normal?

norabird posted 4/14/2014 15:32 PM

You know that he's rejected you, so when you are around him that seeps into your perception of yourself.

I am glad you know you are beautiful the rest of the time honey. Don't let what he has done ruin your self-esteem.


Nature_Girl posted 4/14/2014 15:42 PM

My self-esteem was completely demolished by my relationship with my ex. I am still struggling with how I feel about my appearance. I know I am not hideous, and at times I feel my old sense of self pride swirling around in my mind, but other times I can hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror.

One of the reasons I cannot visualize myself in a relationship with anyone ever again is because I cannot imagine anyone ever being attracted to me again. Sadly, I can still hear his voice and see the look on his face when he would sneer at me and tell me that I disgusted him, that I made him sick, that I was repulsive, that I was a waste of air & space...

Clearly this is one of the things I'm still working on.

TrustNoOne posted 4/14/2014 15:43 PM

It's because he's an ugly person on the inside and he projects that onto your psyche.

You're internalizing someone who, in your mind, "rejected" you - so you feel insecure, inferior, "less than"....

Not so.

Do not let his lack of self-esteem, self-respect, and internal ugliness project onto you. This isn't about you. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't fix it.


RyeBread posted 4/14/2014 15:54 PM

Interesting. I also feel like that around my stbx. When I am by myself or with friends or family I feel a lot more confident and happy. But as soon as she enters the picture everything feels dreary and sad. And I can't help that it reflects in my attitude. Sometimes I wonder if its because I am a little mad at myself stbx is still in the picture and I am ready to move on, I just can't fully do that at the moment.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/14/2014 15:59 PM

I am so glad I am not the only one that feels this when around stbx! I started noticing this a little bit before I moved out, then when I moved out I felt so beautiful again, my confidence was back and I was alive for the most part, sense moving back home, I feel what Ryebread said. TO THE T!

I agree with the others about him but isn't it amazing as human beings we allow some to reflect their shit on us? Yes, it is about being rejected and it sucks!

solus sto posted 4/14/2014 16:02 PM

Oh, yes. I feel ugly around him, and now, when I'm not around him. That's what wholesale rejection will do to a person.

Softcentre posted 4/14/2014 17:30 PM

No. But I'm not living with him. When we were in false R before he left, I felt that I was competing for him, like he was some wonderful prize. So that did make me feel less than him.

Now, when I see him, I feel beautiful. I look better thanks to the infidelity diet, but most importantly, no matter how he looks outwardly, he is more ugly than me on the inside. I am beautiful because I have integrity, and seeing him reminds me of that. But it's taken a year of separation to get here.

You'll get there too.

Leia posted 4/14/2014 18:02 PM

My STBXWH always told me I was pretty, but I could never quite believe him. I always felt like he was sending me a mixed message. In fact, that was one of our last dramas before I found out about the A. One of his "requirements" for staying married to me was that I had to feel like I was pretty. I burst and said that I would see about 50 million more airbrushed models than my mom in our lifetimes (had just read an article about beauty). So I pointed out that someone was lying, and I wasn't sure who. That emotional outburst ended in a lot of hugs and pats on the head assuring me of my beauty. Somehow, I still don't believe him, but it hasn't mattered since I've been away from him. Not sure what it up with this, but just wanted to share my experience.

tesla posted 4/14/2014 18:24 PM

This is my M, I always considered myself the work mule -- not attractive while ex-shat was the pretty boy who loved me inspite of my unattractiveness. That has everything to do with me obviously...but ex-shat never made me feel attractive...he liked to talk about what a fine male specimen he was and how lucky I was to pretty up the family by getting his genes in the mix (yeah, in hindsight, ex-shat is a fucking asshole.) When he took off after D-day, I really felt unattractive...but then I started seeing pictures of myself and you know, I thought I looked okay. I used to always focus on my, I focus on what I got and most importantly, I'm happy which seems to really have helped my self-perception.

kiki1 posted 4/14/2014 18:30 PM

God bless us, we'll always look and be more attractive than the cheaters!!!!

Cause they is ugly on the inside. And that's where the real beauty lies, isnt it?

hugs all,,,,,,,,,,,,,

strongerdaybyday posted 4/14/2014 18:41 PM

I do. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and amazing. But. Everythime he compliments me I think, "yeah? If I'm so great why'd u cheat?"

Yes...I KNOW his A was a result of his ugliness and low self but I still can't help these intrusive thoughts.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 6:41 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

GreatRoleModel posted 4/14/2014 18:54 PM

But as soon as she enters the picture everything feels dreary and sad

RyeBread you just described the Dementors from the Harry Potter series and that is exactly how I felt when he entered the room sucking out all the joy in the room with his "dementor's kiss". I had all the self confidence in the world until he entered the room. May have to be a new name for the dumbass.

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 9:35 PM, April 14th, 2014 (Monday)]

StillLivin posted 4/14/2014 22:59 PM

I just did a post about this in General.
Faithful, I have met some of the BSs at G2Gs. Won't name names, but all of them were good looking both inside and out. Some were slim, others were gorgeously curvaceous. All were very nice people.
It really isn't us, but them. The only thing I feel now is contempt and disgust when I think of STBX. I will never allow his dirty ass to ever make me feel like I'm not beautiful. HE is the ugly one. He is physically handsome outside, but he is so incredibly ugly inside.

Bluebird26 posted 4/15/2014 05:32 AM

For me I think it's the rejection I faced. He chose the AP and she is not attractive at all. But it still hurts.

As a self esteem boost I used to make sure I was dolled up at the pick up or drop off. I did this for me though and I am sure as a "ha look what your missing out on"

Now I have reached indifference I don't care he is nothing to me.

Jrazz posted 4/15/2014 11:18 AM

Take it from someone who's seen your face - you are beautiful ALL of the time.

(((Faithful w/Love)))

Faithful w/Love posted 4/15/2014 13:15 PM

Thank you Jrazz,
I forgot you have seen what I look like.... LOL... and that means so much!!!!!!!

renee21 posted 4/16/2014 06:29 AM

I don't know if I would say ugly, but I. the bedroom, I certainly felt inadequate because he had been with other women. in my mind they must of been more attractive or better in bed because he chose to cheat. So I always felt very self conscious about my appearance especially in that situation along with struggling with my weight. In reality none of these women were more attractive than me especially in the face. I out do them in all categories hands down. Granted they may be better than me at certain types of 'favors' but they are so much more experienced than I.

Right now I look better than I have in years and the idiot has been calling me fat, he hasn't got a close look at me lately.....I'm going to chuckle a little bit when he does. Gutter pig can't hold a candle to me and when people see what he left for the comments are priceless. So right now, I feel great regardless of if I'm around him or not.

Lola2kids posted 4/16/2014 08:04 AM

I do for sure.
He left me for her because she looks better and is fit and thin. He told me I don't take care of myself.

She is a raving bitch though so I guess it's a trade off for having a hot new girlfriend that you can brag about.

Klove posted 4/16/2014 08:16 AM

he Dementors from the Harry Potter series and that is exactly how I felt when he entered the room sucking out all the joy in the room with his "dementor's kiss".

Gosh- this is EXACTLY how I feel. It's amazing how, even now, when he steps into the room I feel the joy leaving. And then when he leaves, a huge relief....
My stbxwh is a REALLY good looking guy and used to tell me all the time how other women told him how hot he was...usually fishing for compliments or jealousy from me because he was insecure to the extreme. It used to make me barf because, even before A, all I could see was what he was on the inside and how he treated me.

I don't feel ugly. I know I'm good looking. But, I have insecurities sexually and I'm sure I will in the future. I've read on here about people having casual flings after getting out of their M and I just can't imagine that right now. I'm kind of insecure about my body...sexually. I'm fit, but I've had 2 babies know...a lot of things change after that. Also - stbxwh made me feel really insecure about some things sexually because of things he wouldn't do. I'm sure you can all read between the lines here...
I just picture being in another relationship in the future and feeling very insecure about someone doing "that" down "there"...

Oh god- TMI...
I'm just...gonna go now....

[This message edited by Klove at 8:56 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

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