"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Aubrie posted 4/14/2014 16:22 PM

My sister called me up. She's miscarrying. Again.

After her last one there was a plan. (She'd miscarried 3 or 4 times in the past 12 months alone) Her body needs a break. It needs to reset. Strict birth control for a minimum of 6 months. She gave it maybe 3 months tops. And it "just happened".

How does it "just happen"!? We aren't in the dark ages. We all know the stork doesn't drop babies off on front steps. No magic beans are swallowed that create life within our wombs. What in the world!?

And so she's in the floor, bleeding, and sobbing. And I'm at a loss. How do I help her?

And please understand. I'm not heartless. I completely and totally understand the loss of a child. I have been the one writhing in the floor, bleeding out. I have the empty hole in my heart.

I cannot understand how she could take the chance so early on. And without contact with her physician. I would never say what I just typed to her. It would kill her and not be constructive in the least. And we are still working on building a relationship. Just....ARGH! I'm so frustrated. And my heart aches for her. She refuses to take care of herself. Always has. And she is suffering catastrophically because of it.

Rest in peace sweet Angel Baby.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 4:24 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 4/14/2014 16:34 PM

((((Aubrie's sis and angel baby))))

jo2love posted 4/14/2014 17:25 PM

((((Sis & baby)))))

I'm so sorry.

Leia posted 4/14/2014 17:31 PM

I'm so sorry for your sister, too. Hugs to you and her.

strongerdaybyday posted 4/14/2014 17:36 PM

I don't think you sound heartless at all. I understand where your frustration to the situation is coming from. (((Aubrie, sis and angel baby)))

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/14/2014 17:45 PM

Right now, all you can do is be there for her. Her hormones are a mess and I'm sure her emotions are all over the place. Give it some time and then try talking to her in such a way that is supportive of her possibly having a successful pregnancy and go through what it will take to make that a possibility.

(((Aubrie and family)))

JanaGreen posted 4/14/2014 20:01 PM

So very sad.

Has she been to any specialists? Reproductive endocrinologist? With that many miscarriages I would be looking for an underlying cause. Maybe she's already gone that route but I thought id ask. She might need progesterone or some other sort of supplementation. :(

LA44 posted 4/14/2014 20:09 PM

SO sorry for your sister, baby and for how frustrated you feel. My sister does things that are not safe for her well being and it can make me crazy.

JanaGreen made some good points. I was with a fertility specialist for 3 years. I also saw a acupuncturist who specialized in infertility. Acu really gets the blood flow moving, detoxes liver, etc. There seems to be a quite a lot of success for those who miscarry once they start acupuncture.

((Aubrie))

Aubrie posted 4/14/2014 20:17 PM

Jana, she went to her OBGYN after the last miscarriage a couple months ago. TBH, I don't have much faith in him. I don't like how he handled her pregnancy with my nephew. I have ZERO confidence in him. But she's all "whatever" about it.

Her doctor wasn't willing to do any testing because he only had one miscarriage "on the books". He could only take her word on the other three. So from a clinical proof" standpoint, he doesn't see a big issue yet. Umm...what!? Lemme smack a fool in the head! Discounting her because she didn't go in the other times. Good Lord. (I had my own experience in this, so seeing the same thing happening to her angers me just a tad)

Aaaaaanyway.......they had a "6 month BC and then reassess" kind of plan. That got that up. This is the same girl who kept a UTI and bladder infection for two+ years because she refused to stop drinking excessive amounts of Mt. Dew and ingest some water for once.

She marches to the beat of her own drum and nobody can convince her otherwise. Just. Listen! Please!

So no. She hasn't been to a specialist. I can't even get her to switch her OB.

JanaGreen posted 4/14/2014 21:52 PM

I'm sorry aubrie. I know you know this, but you can't do anything for her unless she is willing to help herself. I really don't understand someone being willing to keep miscarrying instead of advocating for herself, but only she can do that . :( it is so hard to stand by & watch helplessly.

Jrazz posted 4/14/2014 21:58 PM

(((Aubrie and sis)))

gonnabe2016 posted 4/15/2014 02:35 AM

Oh no, not again!

I understand your confliction (is that even a word?) because I feel it towards her also. I've got *nothing* for you as to how to help her.....my logical mind is trumping my empathy gene. Yes, absolutely, I feel terribly that she is suffering again. OTOH....her doc gave her the skinny. Does your sis think that 'normal' rules don't apply to her? Does she think that ob/gyn's go through all of that schooling and come out with *optional* advice?

As Jana pointed out.....your sister has to want to help herself.

{{{hugs}}} to you. I don't know how I would react in a similar situation.......but what is happening sounds awful.

Sadmumma posted 4/15/2014 02:49 AM

I am one of the small percentage that conventional birth control do not work for. I cannot take estrogen and have an allergy to latex.

Progesterone if usable but the dosage is so small there is only a small window and if you are late taking the tablet you are not covered. So yes "it just does happen".

I'm so sad for you and your sister. Once she's out of hospital, could you offer to go to the gyno with her? What about councelling. She's suffered several losses it may help.

knightsbff posted 4/15/2014 03:07 AM

((((Aubrie & sister))))

Aubrie posted 4/15/2014 09:54 AM

Does your sis think that 'normal' rules don't apply to her? Does she think that ob/gyn's go through all of that schooling and come out with *optional* advice?

I have no idea. Apparently. Part of her issue is, a lot of our friends are pregnant. Some with their second kids. We're surrounded by babies. My sister is young. 25. But my BIL is 10 years older than her. I'm sure she feels pressure to "put out" so he can enjoy children before his bio clock runs out. He loves kids. Wants to have a handful of them. And while they have one, he really doesn't strike me as the type to push her. But maybe that's whats happening. Maybe he thinks 2-3 months was long enough. Who. Knows. And I'm not brave enough to ask.

She isn't in counselling. She insists that she grieves each death. But I've seen her brand of grief. Its what I did once upon a time. I cried minimally, then stuffed it. And it festered for several years. Tie in FOO that always told her she was too over-emotional and they would harp on her to not cry at viewings and funerals. (Even for her friend who shot herself and died. Even for our own grandmother. She never cried. FOO locked it down) The child cannot grieve. She doesn't know what healthy grieving looks like.

She isn't going in to her OB for this loss. "He cant do anything anyway". I know she doesn't want him to know she didn't wait 6 months and then consult him. I asked what she was gonna do. Wait for everything to pass, then get back on her BC. And see what happens.

Its so sad. I feel so conflicted. I can carry children so easily. I have toyed with being a surrogate for her. But then I think, "She can't/won't even follow a basic set of rules the doctor advised. What if she did? She could possibly carry a child successfully. Why should I enable her? Its putting my own body and my entire family life in chaos, because she cant handle 6 months." And while QS loves seeing me knocked up, I don't think he would agree with me "enabling" my sister. And its not like she's 45. She has years ahead of her. *sigh*

abbycadabby posted 4/15/2014 10:36 AM

(((Aubrie, sis and angel baby)))

Aubrie posted 4/16/2014 14:33 PM

OMG. Just talked to my sister.

She's in the car, on the way to drop her son off with the sitter, so she can shop for Easter basket stuff. Cause apparently it can't wait...?

Her: I'm trying not to carry DS because the bleeding gets worse when I do.

Me: (and not understanding why she isn't home and resting)

Her: It so weird. I never bled with my other ones. Did you bleed? I mean, there's kinda a lot.

Me: *That* is why I said GO TO YOUR DOCTOR....you are taking a gamble. What if it doesn't all come out? You could get infected. And go critical like *friend who almost died*

Her: Yeah. I know. I may shop for a new doctor.

Me: We've done that before. Three month waiting period. You *have* a doctor and while I don't agree that he's the best, he can help you now with this. You need to be seen. Now.

Her: Yeah. I know. So mom turned me onto Raspberry Tea. It's supposed to be really good for all kinds of girly/TMI/fertility issues.

Me: (thinking to myself) Does it fix stupid??????

I have to distance myself. I just can't handle the complete disregard for herself and the babies she keeps loosing. She is a train wreck.

norabird posted 4/16/2014 21:51 PM

Maybe this is a sign that she just is not mature enough to be mother to another child yet. I hope that doesn't sound too insensitive. But with such a blatant disregard...It is dodging a bullet to some extent in that parenting another little also requires a dose of good sense, and she's lacking that.

I'm sorry for her and her loss and for you. But, I truly think it might be for the best too? Maybe she'll sort herself out and become a more mature woman by the time she has her next.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:00 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]

She11ybeanz posted 4/16/2014 22:15 PM

I know that things don't "just happen..." but my best friend had a similar situation....had miscarried or actually had a tubular pregnancy and they had to abort the baby....which was horrible....and they removed one of her 2 tubes...so she only had a 50% chance of getting pregnant again. They wanted to have a girl because he had a boy from a previous marriage and so did she.

The doctor told them to take a few months off....and she got pregnant maybe a month and a half later......miraculously....against all odds.... and she admittedly told me that they weren't "trying super hard" to NOT get pregnant.....but ironically.... they ended up with a healthy pregnancy.....and they have a beautiful daughter named Molly now who turns 4 a week after my daughter turns 2...... my daughter came against unspeakable odds...I was on the pill...and he "said" he had a vasectomy..... sometimes things do just happen... I think good things and bad things are just meant to be......and maybe this experience will wake her up to wanting to take better care of herself so that she will have a better chance at becoming a mommy ...

I know what it feels like to think you are miscarrying.... I thought I had lost my daughter at 13 weeks.. I woke up in a pool of my own blood....I thought I had peed on myself and when I went to pee and dropped my shorts....they were drenched in blood.....I remember shaking....and crying uncontrollably assuming the obvious worst! I was rushed to the hospital by "what would have been" Piper's paternal grandmother... and a reluctant Chad who wanted to sleep more than be supportive to me....

I remember how terrified I was and devastated.... I had JUST seen her baby figure in the sonogram....it was the most beautiful thing I Had ever seen in my life....she was perfect.... and in that moment....I fell in love and bonded with her....and in less than 12 hours.....that dream......my baby....my love....my future...my CHILD.....was being taken from me....by God....by fate....by whatever nature deemed necessary....my body was rejecting something.... and I remember laying there....on that gurney and begging God to please take me instead.....begging him for her to be okay.... promising that I would be the best mommy I could if he would spare her life.....because I couldn't lose her.... she was something I had wanted for so many years....something my ex-husband denied me in the end because of his affair....

And God answered. I know sometimes we lose faith that there is a higher being.....how can there be when so many horrible things happen to good people? Murders....miscarriages....suicides... strokes.... cancer....etc... but sometimes I think there is a deeper reason for tragedies that we overlook and may never truly understand. I think they serve whatever purpose they are meant to. I hope the best for her....

I hope that this baby makes it....it is possible....when the doctor told me that Piper was still alive....and I just had a rare condition called placenta previa and had to take it easy.....I stopped running (my biggest passion) and followed doctors orders to the letter....and 47 pounds and countless donuts later....I pushed out an 8 pound 8 ounce healthy baby girl!

Don't lose hope... this is a horrible situation for your sister....but I have heard many stories of women who have had countless miscarriages and then eventually have healthy babies in the future....she also has the option of invetro (I might have spelt that wrong) or adoption.... which I know may not be optimal to her...but if her desire to be a mom is as strong as mine was.... any child that is "hers" doesn't matter. The love is what bonds.......

Good luck....and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.... don't be too hard on her... sometimes that desire to be a parent is such a strong internal struggle and pull....you ache for it...and the patience is hard to keep at bay..... I can relate to that....and sometimes the risk is worth the try in the minds of the desperate..... be gentle... and just give lots of hugs....support....and stable advice about taking a little more time for herself...exercise ....healthy eating....and vitamins....so that she has a better chance going forward....

Good luck....and god bless!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:16 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

Aubrie posted 4/17/2014 08:49 AM

Shelly, I understand that there are "against all odds" babies, "miracle" babies, or whatever else you want to call them. I get it. Fully. My dear friend has three children. She isn't supposed to have kids at all. She proved them wrong. I understand it happens. However, my sister does not fit in that category. She fits in the willfull defiance category.

My sister deliberately went off her BC. And surprise, surprise, got pregnant. Before her body had time to recover from the three miscarriages in a row. Not including the other 2-3 she's had. She's had 5-6 total. No matter HOW BAD she wants a baby, don't you think any other sane person on the planet would stop and think, "Hmmm....6 times. This isn't working. We should try something different."? And she does have one child already. She's not like our childless friend who has been trying for 17 years. Wonder if my sister ever stopped for two seconds to think about how our friend feels. I "get" the crave for more children. But for crying out loud, be responsible about it.

We wont know if this baby will survive. She refuses to go to the doctor. So, I'm going with.....doubtful.

I am compassionate. I sat there and held her last night while she sobbed. At the same time, I am realistic. I have to view it like an addict. Till she wants to stop self medicating and self diagnosing and get real help, nothing I say or do will matter. Kwim? I have no doubt she could go on to have children. She's 25. Getting pregnant is obviously not the issue. Its staying pregnant. But till she does what the doctors says, till she listens, till she is honest, she will continue this heartbreaking journey. This is not a crossed fingers, wishing on stars situation. She needs to realize that.

Norabird, sadly I think you are correct. On all counts.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:50 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]