fWW 40s, BH 40s
We are both still emotionally hung over. Knight is reeling and trying to get his legs back under him. But I think I'm ready to look at a few positives. Count my blessings sort of.
1) the movie theater incident: we talked about it! We both approached it from a what can we do better perspective. In the past it would have been finger pointing and hopelessness. We are already handling it. It will take time, effort and understanding from both of us but this is GROWTH!
2) Knight handled the run in with AP and OBS really well considering. Yes he was angry and very triggered, but he communicated with me. He didn't really want me to "cease to exist". He was expressing his hurt and anger. And really haven't we all heard much much worse from a triggering, emotional BS? Before going to work Sunday night he said, "Come over here and get cuddled if you want to." And he held me and kissed me. That's REALLY GOOD I think, considering his weekend. He's hurting and emotionally exhausted right now but he went to his crossfit workout this morning after working a 12 hour night shift in the ER with all the usual drama. That's positive coping! He is feeling kind of hopeless but look at what he's doing. His actions speak volumes. I'm full of hope for him and for us.
3) As for me. Seeing the AP... I can't really even call it that. I only saw him in my peripheral vision, no eye contact, no looking to see if he was looking. It didn't even cross my mind until moments ago when I stared evaluating my handling of the sitch. You guys have been saying we handled it well but I'm hard to convince. I have to look at what was going on inside me before I can accept that.
Guess what? I DID handle it well. My only thought was sparing OBS and my BH as much pain in that sitch as was possible. I had made the decision (with Knight) how to handle it I when I ran into them in public and I went on auto pilot in implementing the plan.
I have had some worries over the months about what would go on I'm my mind and heart if I was faced with seeing him. Would there be any feelings inside that betrayed what I know is right and what I want? I am relieved to say nope. Nothing crossed my mind except getting out of there. I felt shame for my actions that caused the situation. I never thought I would be a woman humbly rushing out of a store to avoid someone I had harmed by my disgraceful behavior, but it's a consequence of actions I can't undo and I accept that. It's the only right thing I can do at this point. And I have to live with making the right choice now and from here on out. No going back.
4) As for the text messages. I have to give knight a lot of credit for those. We wrote some of them together and I wrote some of them, but I didn't send any without him reading first and incorporating any changes he requested. The good thing is even in that horrible situation we were able to work together to handle it.
5ish) In the past I would have railed at running from any confrontation. It's not my personality usually. I tend to engage when wisdom and valor say let it go. Later I felt a little momentary irritation that we were the only ones giving way to them (not really her but more him not feeling he owed my BH any respect or deference after what he's done, I have no problem giving way to her and if he's with her so be it, I just felt irritation at my BH having to change course because of AP) but it passed quickly because that's how my BH wanted to handle it and I can easily accept that. He has had to accept so much to R I feel I owe him so much I can happily follow his lead in these things. As long as he feels good about it (or the best he can) I'm at peace with handling things anyway he desires as long as it isn't harmful to our family (as in we both stay out of handcuffs).
6) I did fall into despair briefly, but I rallied really quick with the thought that there is no room in this mess for self pity (Jrazz and the rest of you helped so much). I hate the consequences I have brought on myself and especially my BH but I do feel I am accepting them without a shame spiral now. I feel a strong desire to support BH but again not the terrible shame spiral I have allowed myself in the past. I really feel I am coming into acceptance. I even consider dealing with people close to me finding out (in laws, kids, family) without panic. I don't want them to find out but if it happens I feel I can approach it honestly and from the perspective of what's best for my nuclear family and then me.
7) the weekend still sucked but we are stronger and still improving and I am stronger and still growing and learning. This is good stuff right?
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.