Kudos to you for confessing. Even by letter that is incredibly hard to do. I'm glad you went to see her and answer her questions. Make sure you're not hiding anything or lying. Trickle truth (TT) is often the nail in the coffin of a relationship post infidelity. Many of the BS' here say it wasn't the cheating that hurt the most it was the continued lying and secrets. Don't minimize or try to "soften" the truth by omitting or changing some facts. Only the truth will work from here on out.
Check out the articles in the healing library. There is really good information in there.
Keep reading and posting. You will find help and support here.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I'm a former betrayed spouse (FBS)and I can reinforce what knightsbff is saying about minimizing the truth. My H first told me he "almost" had sex with OW. Now, thinking with a logical mind, how does that make sense? To me, it doesn't and, from my H, it wasn't the truth. What I learned is that the truth has a way of coming out. For us, the "near virgin" OW gave my H HPV, which caused cancer on his privates, and he had to undergo some horrific surgeries because of it. He wanted to keep it hidden, but it just wasn't to be. If there's more to the story, it's safe to tell it here and we'll guide you on where to go and what to do next.
Perhaps the worst part is the knowledge that I used to judge people for this sort of behavior. I hated people for it, I thought it was something I'd never do, and yet here, I've hurt the person I love most in the world and I have absolutely nothing I can do about it.
You need to shore up your boundaries. Maybe you can discuss that with your counselor.
Me too. I didn't hate people but I did judge them. Told myself, "I would never do anything like that."
Pride goeth before the fall...
I do commend you for letting your BGF know without trying to hide it. That's a very hopeful sign. I can tell you right now, as a BW, that she is probably agonizing over leaving for a year, because if you don't stay faithful to her when she's in the same town, how can she expect that you will when she's not even in the same country as you? Getting IC is good, having an accountability partner that is very pro-her is good too, but she's still going to have some rather horrible mind movies about all of this. It's going to be your job to try to figure out, with her, exactly what you can do to help her feel more secure, and then be rigid in performing those actions.
I wish you well. I hope that you two can make it.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Well done for confessing and being so honest with her, that took courage and you are doing all the right things so far.
Just an idea for while your BS is away, you could read together. Buy some books, for your situation I think 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass would be particularly helpful. Buy two copies of each, she can take her copies away with her. You can read them at the same time and discuss via letters and facetime.
Also, get yourself in IC while she is away and discuss your progress with her openly and often.
There is a book thread somewhere, I'll try to bump it for you.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:06 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.