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Need2Grow14 posted 4/14/2014 20:42 PM

I've been in a happy relationship for two and a half years, a happy, committed relationship, but due to my own stupidity and lack of self-control, I cheated on the best thing that ever happened to me on Saturday night. I got drunk, met up with a female "friend," who, long story short, I ended up doing everything but actually having sex with. I spent the next day feeling so much self-disgust, so much self-hate, that I HAD to tell the truth. Because I'm too much of a coward, I told her via a letter this afternoon, after which she called me, and I went to her house and talked.
Because she's a saint, she forgave me, and we haven't broken up, yet. There were a lot of tears, a lot of questions, and a lot of anger. She's going to Europe for a year for her job in August, and after the second week of May, I know I'm not going to see her for almost all of that year. However, I know there's a lot of work. I want nothing more in the world than to earn her trust again, to be worthy of her love and her trust. There is no excuse for what I did, not a valid reason I can give, and I know that. I will wait any amount of time, work as hard as is needed, as hard as I can. I just...don't know what to do...
Help me, please.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/14/2014 21:12 PM

Why do you think it was OK with you to do it? (I understand you're saying there's no excuse- and there isn't, but you had to tell yourself something to make it OK in your mind)

Need2Grow14 posted 4/14/2014 21:28 PM

Honestly? I thought "Oh, she came onto me, I can deny it. It's a drunken mistake, it won't hurt anyone."
I know that's BS. I know it was a stupid, hurtful decision. But it was a decision made out of lust, not out of love or intelligence. NOT that that's an excuse, or makes it any better. But that's what was going through my mind.

knightsbff posted 4/14/2014 21:42 PM

Welcome to SI Need2Grow14,

Kudos to you for confessing. Even by letter that is incredibly hard to do. I'm glad you went to see her and answer her questions. Make sure you're not hiding anything or lying. Trickle truth (TT) is often the nail in the coffin of a relationship post infidelity. Many of the BS' here say it wasn't the cheating that hurt the most it was the continued lying and secrets. Don't minimize or try to "soften" the truth by omitting or changing some facts. Only the truth will work from here on out.

Check out the articles in the healing library. There is really good information in there.

Keep reading and posting. You will find help and support here.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/14/2014 21:56 PM

Okay, I can accept that as the truth. Why did you meet up with her, in the first place? And did you already have thoughts of doing *something* somewhere in your mind?

I'm a former betrayed spouse (FBS)and I can reinforce what knightsbff is saying about minimizing the truth. My H first told me he "almost" had sex with OW. Now, thinking with a logical mind, how does that make sense? To me, it doesn't and, from my H, it wasn't the truth. What I learned is that the truth has a way of coming out. For us, the "near virgin" OW gave my H HPV, which caused cancer on his privates, and he had to undergo some horrific surgeries because of it. He wanted to keep it hidden, but it just wasn't to be. If there's more to the story, it's safe to tell it here and we'll guide you on where to go and what to do next.

Need2Grow14 posted 4/14/2014 22:47 PM

I've told her everything. I'll confess, I'd had thoughts of "doing things" before, but never thought I'd act on them, I thought they were just the normal "if I were single" temptations, but then one thing led to another. We didn't have sex, but we did oral. My GF didn't want to know those details, she just wanted to know how physical it got. I let her control the questions and that element of the conversation.
I've tried my hardest not to soften the truth. I know I would have a tendency towards trickle truth, or even outright lies, but this was too important to me to do.
I've felt like absolute crap since, understandably and deservedly. All I can say is that I will never do this again, even if she does drop me like I deserve. I wrote her another letter tonight, promising a whole bunch of things, including humility, that I will work to change, that this will never happen again, and that I will make myself worthy of her and of her trust and of our relationship again.
I only hope that I can do it. I've booked an appointment with a local counsellor, and I'm talking to one of my friends tomorrow to ask him to be an accountability partner for me.
Perhaps the worst part is the knowledge that I used to judge people for this sort of behavior. I hated people for it, I thought it was something I'd never do, and yet here, I've hurt the person I love most in the world and I have absolutely nothing I can do about it.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/14/2014 22:55 PM

Perhaps the worst part is the knowledge that I used to judge people for this sort of behavior. I hated people for it, I thought it was something I'd never do, and yet here, I've hurt the person I love most in the world and I have absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I think we can all relate to that. I know my H had the same opinion as you and I always harshly judged the BSs who stayed and were supportive. Then we both became that which we judged so harshly. Quite humbling, isn't it?

You need to shore up your boundaries. Maybe you can discuss that with your counselor.

Need2Grow14 posted 4/14/2014 23:15 PM

I know that I need to change a lot about how I live my life at the moment. I think that "It won't happen to me" attitude is a large part of WHY it happened. I know that tends to happen with me, that I judge people for something, and I inevitably end up doing it...
I just never thought that I'd be a betrayer like this.

knightsbff posted 4/14/2014 23:16 PM

Perhaps the worst part is the knowledge that I used to judge people for this sort of behavior. I hated people for it, I thought it was something I'd never do, and yet here, I've hurt the person I love most in the world and I have absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Me too. I didn't hate people but I did judge them. Told myself, "I would never do anything like that."

Pride goeth before the fall...

Need2Grow14 posted 4/15/2014 15:01 PM

Had another talk with my BGF this afternoon. She wanted to know the EXACT details of what happened, and I told her. It made me feel like filth and made her feel even worse. She left in tears, unable to look at me or even speak to me, but she says we're going to talk again soon, after she has a quick meeting. I don't know what to do. I want to die, I want the world to swallow me up. I want her to scream, to be angry, I want everything to disappear. I hate myself more than I ever thought possible. I don't know what to do.

Skan posted 4/15/2014 19:41 PM

One thing that you need to do immediately, is to go to your doctor and have an STD/HIV panel of tests run. Oral isn't "safe sex." It's sex, as far as transmission of disease goes. And when you get your results back, you need to show them to your BGF obviously you also need to not have sex with her until you get those results back. If you think that I'm being overly cautious, google oral STDs at some point when you don't have anything in your stomach.

I do commend you for letting your BGF know without trying to hide it. That's a very hopeful sign. I can tell you right now, as a BW, that she is probably agonizing over leaving for a year, because if you don't stay faithful to her when she's in the same town, how can she expect that you will when she's not even in the same country as you? Getting IC is good, having an accountability partner that is very pro-her is good too, but she's still going to have some rather horrible mind movies about all of this. It's going to be your job to try to figure out, with her, exactly what you can do to help her feel more secure, and then be rigid in performing those actions.

I wish you well. I hope that you two can make it.

Need2Grow14 posted 4/15/2014 21:48 PM

I intend to. I know she's agonizing over leaving, and for exactly the reasons you've mentioned. Part of the deal is that I'm going to write her every day, starting now, and continuing through all the time she's gone. I also will be face timing her twice a week at least.
I hope and pray that she'll be willing to let me show her how sorry I am, and how much she means to me. I know it'll be a matter of time, and I know it'll be a lot of hard, hard work, but I am willing to do it. I may have forfeited the claim to be a decent man, but I want to be one again, and I WILL work my hardest and become one again. At least today at this moment, I know that I can't let it rule me, and I WILL make up for my mistake. I only hope that I can make it up to her...

BrokenButTrying posted 4/16/2014 04:04 AM

Hi N2G,

Well done for confessing and being so honest with her, that took courage and you are doing all the right things so far.

Just an idea for while your BS is away, you could read together. Buy some books, for your situation I think 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass would be particularly helpful. Buy two copies of each, she can take her copies away with her. You can read them at the same time and discuss via letters and facetime.

Also, get yourself in IC while she is away and discuss your progress with her openly and often.

There is a book thread somewhere, I'll try to bump it for you.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:06 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

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