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Newest Member: broken52507 (45707)

User Topic: it's such an insult
plainpain
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cliche is that I did not do my job at home. If I had been treating him properly, he never would have strayed. That is what people think. I neglected him. Whatever.

We had sex almost every day, and that is the truth. I was adventurous, attentive, I adored him. I stroked his ego, baked, cooked, encouraged him every day. I very deliberately, consciously thought, "I am not going to give him reason to stray."

He strayed, like a dog. Like an old-fashioned mid-life crisis cliche. He is the ultimate cliche, and he turned me into a cliche and it is so very, very insulting. There are men all over this planet who would be MORE than happy to have a faithful, loving, attentive, supportive wife like me. I am somebody's dream.

I just want to say that. I have always been a good wife, and it is SO insulting to always hear, "You must not have been taking care of him." HE was not taking care of ME. That is why he was f***ing someone else.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, you took the words right out of my mouth.
(((Hugs)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Neithan
♂ 35924
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We betrayed men get that too. We weren't 'man enough' to satisfy our wandering wives, we must have been overbearing, soul-crushing sexist pigs from whom our oppressed spouses finally freed themselves, to follow their true hearts and loves.

I feel your pain.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
stunnedin12
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my, yes.

I hear you. I get it.

One of the reasons wh adored chickie was that she appreciated him.

One of the many reasons he didn't like me was that I didn't appreciate him.... Yup, those notes I left in his shirt pockets, the texts, the public affirmation in front of family in friends --- pure un-appreciation. Ass.

He didn't like it when I called bullshit on that particular line of stupidity.

blah, blah, blah
stupid, stupid, stupid.

It was and is insulting.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Jan 2013
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blehhhh

I have NEVER been insulted like this. I'm sorry plainpain that some clown had the audacity and bad taste to tell you this.
I think I would have given him/her a hammer fist to the temple at minimum if someone dared blame ME for his morally bankrupt soul.
(((plainpain)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2498 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly what you mean.

I'm glad you know that this perception is so backwards, and that you have nothing to do with his decision.

I too felt that with everything I gave my ex, I would be cherished and loved forever. The thoughtful actions, the little things I did for him, the way I always, always gave him what he needed.

But I could never give him integrity, or honesty, or self-awareness, or self-esteem, or a moral compass and degree of selfless and empathy. So there was no 'enough' with him, no point where he could be happy and appreciative and content. It's just not who he is or how he is wired.

He threw away an amazing woman in you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was always a much better wife than he was a husband, in every way. He will be the first to tell you that.

And yet, the anonymous letter I received on Dday said he "must not have been happy at home".

Grrrr.

People are just ignorant.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
MC_Jack
♂ 35016
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great vent.

PP, count me as one of the men on the planet who would be more than happy to love you right.

Neithan, yep I 'was' a soul-crushing pig. Her family blames it on me...heck they blame the whole marriage on me. No looking in the mirror for that crew.

For me, I have to figure out why I care about the views of these others.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 891 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had sex almost every day, and that is the truth. I was adventurous, attentive, I adored him.

Yeah....

Someone would have be buying me jewelry - on a regular basis - in order to get that treatment everyday. LOL.

I've often said it and I'll say it again. Most of the time, it's a thankless, thankless job dedicating yourself to someone and knocking yourself out to please them in every way because the chances are pretty good that if given the opportunity, they'll kick you right in the face for it.

No good deed goes unpunished. Ain't love grand?

I hear ya Plainpain. Been there and done that.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
PeaceLove187
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Preach it, sister. I try not to think about what other people think about our marriage but it does piss me off that anyone would assume I was doing something wrong. Although you're a super woman for dishing out sex every day. :-)

My H fully admits he was selfish during the As. I assume your H admits the same. Sometimes I wish they'd put it up on a billboard so everyone would get that message, but that's not going to happen. And Good Lord deliver me from the therapists who automatically state something must be wrong in the marriage for someone to stray! Sometimes people aren't happy for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with their spouse, and always their decision to stray is entirely on them. You can make me absolutely miserable (and my H has) and I'm not going to have an A. I believe I've proved that.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 642 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put those insults in the trash right along with " boys will be boys and sometimes they make a mistake, don't take it personally" which if I were a man, would find that extremely insulting.
I agree with the previous poster up there ^^^^ I have to figure out why I care if someone upsets me with a dumbass comment


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I have to figure out why I care about the views of these others.


Getting to a point where the opinions of others don't matter is so important.

Someone that cares so little for your pain, that doesn't bother to try to understand isn't worth your energy.

People that haven't been in our shoes truly have no idea what this ride is all about.

Generalizations are worthless, but until you are in a position to understand their damage it isn't always something one sees.

The negative energy isn't helpful, let their opinions go.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
notquiteoverit
♀ 32919
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, WH did mention that I did not give him what he needed. It was true that I did not give him what he needed. He was not giving me what I needed either, and we were both unhappy. Then, the OW came along and literally made him feel like the king he thought he was. In his mind, he DESERVED to be king, and I was the bad guy. He never stopped to think about my needs, and what he was doing to contribute to the problem between us. As for me, I never considered cheating as an answer.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 580 | Registered: Jul 2011
tl502
♀ 42607
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh once told me that, yes I did say good things about him both in public and while we were alone, but I knew the real him, so I couldn't possibly believe them. Ow didn't know him so she believed them so he could believe them too. Yes, he will probably always be on antidepressants. I don't know how you can possibly fight that one.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah that's right.

If I had any more sex with WH, we would both be in the hospital dehydrated and exhausted. It's he that has to keep up with me, though I think we are basically equally matched. So it's not that. (If he had an A, I'm still in the dark). I've been told I'm beautiful and look 10 years younger than my age, and I know at the age of OW she wouldn't have held a candle to my 20-something yr old self! So I'm not really threatened on that side. It must suck to go through what should be your best looking years not really that great

What get's me is the clichés that have somehow, and I don't know how, became stereotypes. In movies, media, and our collective psyche. Here's the clichés I see portrayed and perpetuated:

OW - attractive, sexual, always sexually available, mysterious OR sweetly attentive, attracts exciting life experiences

BW - not as attractive, cold, nagging, not sensual, not sexual, does not attract exciting life experiences

WH - viewed as a dog but generally is accepted because "men need sex", more sexual than his BW, accepted as acting on justified primal impulses

WW - ? not sure, don't have enough insight into this one!

OM - "took" the BH's woman and therefore has an alpha quality about him

I hate hate hate! these stereotypes! I would love to start seeing BW portrayed as the beautiful, sexy ones; BH portrayed as the alpha male; OW portrayed as the ugly, attention-whoring creatures that they are; and so on! I wonder if changing perceptions would eventually change behavior?


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and when that little insult is thrown to your WH by the OW, that he is neglected by his wife, doubly hurtful and infuriating. She told him that he was too wonderful for a wife who did not appreciate him like she did. Because I let him live a life without being attached to him like an appendage, because we had our own interests, because I have a mature vision for marriage that does not involve me breathing his air 24 hours a day, I was neglectful.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
TheBestMe
♀ 39476
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO insulting to always hear, "You must not have been taking care of him." HE was not taking care of ME. That is why he was f***ing someone else


Hello!!!! Amen!!!!!

I wish that I was the kind of woman that could cheat on him. I bet people would not say that about him. They would call me a SLUT.

I'm getting mad now. I better log off and go finish dinner.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 499 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
plainpain
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@tl502 I heard that one, too... I only supported him because I was his wife, not because I wanted to. I only had sex with him because he wanted to, not because I enjoyed it. I faked everything, apparently. I never really respected him. He was so twisted in his thinking. When the 'entitlement' kicked in, everything I did for him was because he was entitled. It was the least I could do. He had me and OW both working overtime to please him. So gross.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only supported him because I was his wife, not because I wanted to. I only had sex with him because he wanted to, not because I enjoyed it. I faked everything, apparently. I never really respected him. He was so twisted in his thinking. When the 'entitlement' kicked in, everything I did for him was because he was entitled. It was the least I could do. He had me and OW both working overtime to please him. So gross.

OMG this sounds like what my fWH thought too. So spot on and it is revolting. My head spins if I think about it too long.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
phoenixrise
♀ 41745
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup...what you said! I tell him he's in denial...that that's what he told himself to justify it all...but oh "youre not the same anymore you've changed" what!!! Nope still the same person it was him who changed and was a dirt bag...100 percent confident I was the best wife ever...cool wife even!!! Now I want to hang myself for being so God damned great and loving to him...what a freaking waste!!! Big Insult!! The penis is such a disloyal creature


"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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