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plainpain posted 4/14/2014 20:49 PM

The cliche is that I did not do my job at home. If I had been treating him properly, he never would have strayed. That is what people think. I neglected him. Whatever.

We had sex almost every day, and that is the truth. I was adventurous, attentive, I adored him. I stroked his ego, baked, cooked, encouraged him every day. I very deliberately, consciously thought, "I am not going to give him reason to stray."

He strayed, like a dog. Like an old-fashioned mid-life crisis cliche. He is the ultimate cliche, and he turned me into a cliche and it is so very, very insulting. There are men all over this planet who would be MORE than happy to have a faithful, loving, attentive, supportive wife like me. I am somebody's dream.

I just want to say that. I have always been a good wife, and it is SO insulting to always hear, "You must not have been taking care of him." HE was not taking care of ME. That is why he was f***ing someone else.

Breezy150 posted 4/14/2014 20:57 PM

Yep, you took the words right out of my mouth.
(((Hugs)))

Neithan posted 4/14/2014 21:04 PM

We betrayed men get that too. We weren't 'man enough' to satisfy our wandering wives, we must have been overbearing, soul-crushing sexist pigs from whom our oppressed spouses finally freed themselves, to follow their true hearts and loves.

I feel your pain.

stunnedin12 posted 4/14/2014 21:10 PM

Oh my, yes.

I hear you. I get it.

One of the reasons wh adored chickie was that she appreciated him.

One of the many reasons he didn't like me was that I didn't appreciate him.... Yup, those notes I left in his shirt pockets, the texts, the public affirmation in front of family in friends --- pure un-appreciation. Ass.

He didn't like it when I called bullshit on that particular line of stupidity.

blah, blah, blah
stupid, stupid, stupid.

It was and is insulting.

StillLivin posted 4/14/2014 22:41 PM

Blehhhh

I have NEVER been insulted like this. I'm sorry plainpain that some clown had the audacity and bad taste to tell you this.
I think I would have given him/her a hammer fist to the temple at minimum if someone dared blame ME for his morally bankrupt soul.
(((plainpain)))

norabird posted 4/14/2014 23:35 PM

I know exactly what you mean.

I'm glad you know that this perception is so backwards, and that you have nothing to do with his decision.

I too felt that with everything I gave my ex, I would be cherished and loved forever. The thoughtful actions, the little things I did for him, the way I always, always gave him what he needed.

But I could never give him integrity, or honesty, or self-awareness, or self-esteem, or a moral compass and degree of selfless and empathy. So there was no 'enough' with him, no point where he could be happy and appreciative and content. It's just not who he is or how he is wired.

He threw away an amazing woman in you.

catlover50 posted 4/15/2014 05:10 AM

I was always a much better wife than he was a husband, in every way. He will be the first to tell you that.

And yet, the anonymous letter I received on Dday said he "must not have been happy at home".

Grrrr.

People are just ignorant.

MC_Jack posted 4/15/2014 05:51 AM

Great vent.

PP, count me as one of the men on the planet who would be more than happy to love you right.

Neithan, yep I 'was' a soul-crushing pig. Her family blames it on me...heck they blame the whole marriage on me. No looking in the mirror for that crew.

For me, I have to figure out why I care about the views of these others.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/15/2014 07:37 AM

We had sex almost every day, and that is the truth. I was adventurous, attentive, I adored him.

Yeah....

Someone would have be buying me jewelry - on a regular basis - in order to get that treatment everyday. LOL.

I've often said it and I'll say it again. Most of the time, it's a thankless, thankless job dedicating yourself to someone and knocking yourself out to please them in every way because the chances are pretty good that if given the opportunity, they'll kick you right in the face for it.

No good deed goes unpunished. Ain't love grand?

I hear ya Plainpain. Been there and done that.

PeaceLove187 posted 4/15/2014 09:28 AM

Preach it, sister. I try not to think about what other people think about our marriage but it does piss me off that anyone would assume I was doing something wrong. Although you're a super woman for dishing out sex every day. :-)

My H fully admits he was selfish during the As. I assume your H admits the same. Sometimes I wish they'd put it up on a billboard so everyone would get that message, but that's not going to happen. And Good Lord deliver me from the therapists who automatically state something must be wrong in the marriage for someone to stray! Sometimes people aren't happy for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with their spouse, and always their decision to stray is entirely on them. You can make me absolutely miserable (and my H has) and I'm not going to have an A. I believe I've proved that.

Ostrich80 posted 4/15/2014 10:57 AM

I put those insults in the trash right along with " boys will be boys and sometimes they make a mistake, don't take it personally" which if I were a man, would find that extremely insulting.
I agree with the previous poster up there ^^^^ I have to figure out why I care if someone upsets me with a dumbass comment

karmahappens posted 4/15/2014 11:05 AM

For me, I have to figure out why I care about the views of these others.


Getting to a point where the opinions of others don't matter is so important.

Someone that cares so little for your pain, that doesn't bother to try to understand isn't worth your energy.

People that haven't been in our shoes truly have no idea what this ride is all about.

Generalizations are worthless, but until you are in a position to understand their damage it isn't always something one sees.

The negative energy isn't helpful, let their opinions go.

notquiteoverit posted 4/15/2014 11:13 AM

In my case, WH did mention that I did not give him what he needed. It was true that I did not give him what he needed. He was not giving me what I needed either, and we were both unhappy. Then, the OW came along and literally made him feel like the king he thought he was. In his mind, he DESERVED to be king, and I was the bad guy. He never stopped to think about my needs, and what he was doing to contribute to the problem between us. As for me, I never considered cheating as an answer.

tl502 posted 4/15/2014 11:30 AM

My fwh once told me that, yes I did say good things about him both in public and while we were alone, but I knew the real him, so I couldn't possibly believe them. Ow didn't know him so she believed them so he could believe them too. Yes, he will probably always be on antidepressants. I don't know how you can possibly fight that one.

OutoftheDeep posted 4/15/2014 11:54 AM

yeah that's right.

If I had any more sex with WH, we would both be in the hospital dehydrated and exhausted. It's he that has to keep up with me, though I think we are basically equally matched. So it's not that. (If he had an A, I'm still in the dark). I've been told I'm beautiful and look 10 years younger than my age, and I know at the age of OW she wouldn't have held a candle to my 20-something yr old self! So I'm not really threatened on that side. It must suck to go through what should be your best looking years not really that great

What get's me is the clichés that have somehow, and I don't know how, became stereotypes. In movies, media, and our collective psyche. Here's the clichés I see portrayed and perpetuated:

OW - attractive, sexual, always sexually available, mysterious OR sweetly attentive, attracts exciting life experiences

BW - not as attractive, cold, nagging, not sensual, not sexual, does not attract exciting life experiences

WH - viewed as a dog but generally is accepted because "men need sex", more sexual than his BW, accepted as acting on justified primal impulses

WW - ? not sure, don't have enough insight into this one!

OM - "took" the BH's woman and therefore has an alpha quality about him

I hate hate hate! these stereotypes! I would love to start seeing BW portrayed as the beautiful, sexy ones; BH portrayed as the alpha male; OW portrayed as the ugly, attention-whoring creatures that they are; and so on! I wonder if changing perceptions would eventually change behavior?

Lovedyoumore posted 4/15/2014 12:07 PM

Oh, and when that little insult is thrown to your WH by the OW, that he is neglected by his wife, doubly hurtful and infuriating. She told him that he was too wonderful for a wife who did not appreciate him like she did. Because I let him live a life without being attached to him like an appendage, because we had our own interests, because I have a mature vision for marriage that does not involve me breathing his air 24 hours a day, I was neglectful.

TheBestMe posted 4/15/2014 15:29 PM

SO insulting to always hear, "You must not have been taking care of him." HE was not taking care of ME. That is why he was f***ing someone else


Hello!!!! Amen!!!!!

I wish that I was the kind of woman that could cheat on him. I bet people would not say that about him. They would call me a SLUT.

I'm getting mad now. I better log off and go finish dinner.

plainpain posted 4/15/2014 16:47 PM

@tl502 I heard that one, too... I only supported him because I was his wife, not because I wanted to. I only had sex with him because he wanted to, not because I enjoyed it. I faked everything, apparently. I never really respected him. He was so twisted in his thinking. When the 'entitlement' kicked in, everything I did for him was because he was entitled. It was the least I could do. He had me and OW both working overtime to please him. So gross.

crazyblindsided posted 4/15/2014 18:54 PM

I only supported him because I was his wife, not because I wanted to. I only had sex with him because he wanted to, not because I enjoyed it. I faked everything, apparently. I never really respected him. He was so twisted in his thinking. When the 'entitlement' kicked in, everything I did for him was because he was entitled. It was the least I could do. He had me and OW both working overtime to please him. So gross.

OMG this sounds like what my fWH thought too. So spot on and it is revolting. My head spins if I think about it too long.

phoenixrise posted 4/15/2014 22:31 PM

Yup...what you said! I tell him he's in denial...that that's what he told himself to justify it all...but oh "youre not the same anymore you've changed" what!!! Nope still the same person it was him who changed and was a dirt bag...100 percent confident I was the best wife ever...cool wife even!!! Now I want to hang myself for being so God damned great and loving to him...what a freaking waste!!! Big Insult!! The penis is such a disloyal creature

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