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Vicious cycle

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Actionsoverwords posted 4/14/2014 21:47 PM

Hello, everyone,

My BW and I had another argument this morning and it seems as if things are getting progressively worse. Some of you know my story here, my wife and I have been together for almost 8 years and for the majority of the time we have been together, it has been in R, but I've lost count of the number of D-days because of my TT.

Now I am a sex addict, a liar, a cheat, and I admit to being all of those things before I even met my wife. I've had affairs, paid for sex, chased down any woman willing to even give me the time of day for sex. I've disclosed these things to my BW through half-disclosures or TT, but I think I have disclosed the majority of everything that I have done, pre-marriage and post D-day 1.

Because of the numerous TT and my manipulative nature and lies that I have told my BW and myself, I find myself in a cycle. Things are at a detente and then BW has questions on her mind. We talk, I become defensive. Then voices get loud, things might or might not be thrown. Nasty words are exchanged and things disintegrate. This is what led to us living under separate roofs, but I have been spending weekends with BW and DS. This morning, before I went to work, we found ourselves in the same position.

I take the position that I have not cheated in over 5 years, pursued another relationship or paid for sex, I go to work, I help out around the house at times, I take care of our son, I am not doing anything that is betraying our marriage and then I act like, "Why are we still talking about the same things?" My BW takes the position that there are things that I am still hiding and lying about and thus, we are at a stalemate. I can't convince her differently and she can't believe me because of my lies.

Has anyone found themselves in this position? How do you move past the cycle? I have offered to take a polygraph (can be beaten, she lacks faith in it), look for a couples counselor to talk about this specific topic (and all other topics, but because of my lies in couples counseling, this is not really a viable route now), and offered to look for an IC that fits her criteria (she is embarrassed to repeat her story), but we have not moved towards any of those things.

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/15/2014 00:34 AM

I am a BS so I hope it is ok to comment.

My advice to you is to live up to your screen name.

Stop offering to do things and start doing them. You don't need her consent to go into IC, have her write down her requirements and just do it. Helping around the house etc, while good, is not going to allow your BS to feel safe with you. I believe I have read another of your posts where you admitted to not going to meetings etc to help you with your addiction. I'd suggest going again. Perhaps take a step back from the marriage, still be there for your family etc but stop initiating any conversation about her not being over it, or coming home, or it not being fair on you if you are engaging in these behaviours. I never thought I'd say this, but stop talking so much and start doing. Set a task for every day. Don't do it for recognition, don't even talk about it, do it, organise it, write it on a calendar in the kitchen so she knows where you are if she cares to know, and just do it.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/15/2014 00:58 AM

There's a free program at for both of you. Please take advantage of it.

Actionsoverwords posted 4/15/2014 20:46 PM

RomanticInnocenc, I apologize if I was unclear regarding IC. I am currently in IC and I offered to look for an IC for her to see. Our issues are complex and embarrassing for her to talk to anyone with. I am back attending meetings and trying to live up to my username.

I know that what I wrote in the post above is something that I repeat every few weeks here on SI. I realize that I am just looking for someone to give me permission to be angry so I can justify how I behaved, but that is the addict and the dysfunctional being in me talking again. I like your idea for setting a task everyday, I think that is good practice for being proactive (something that I RARELY do) and positive.

TIKY, I am registered on RN, but have not really checked the program or the page yet other than reading He Danced Alone. What program are you specifically referring to for both of us?

sadone29 posted 4/15/2014 22:31 PM

I just suggested to your wife that she needs to detach from you.

It's good that you recognize that your thinking is clouded by your addicted mind. But honestly, what are you doing about it? Go to a meeting. Go every day. You're in a big city, you can find one to go to (I would suggest SA over SAA). If you don't do these things, she will never trust, and rightfully so. MC will do nothing at this point. You need to work on you first.

I have watched my H turn into the real loving empathetic person he has always wanted to be (and was underneath the disease). It is possible and you deserve to give yourself this gift. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

sadone29 posted 4/15/2014 23:16 PM

I hope it's okay that I'm adding more! I forgot to talk about your insistence that you haven't cheated in 5 years.

Even if that's true, you still haven't fixed the problem. I'm an alcoholic. After hitting bottom a very long time ago, I didn't seek help and never admitted to myself that I had a real problem. I just thought that I could control my situation and my drinking. And for the most part, it worked. If I stopped going out, stopped having booze in the house, I would be fine. I would go months without drinking. But I'd always eventually find myself in a situation where I had a choice. More often than not, that choice was "just one". But it was never just one. Once I had one, I lost all control. And the cycle of shame started again.

I see clearly now that alcohol cannot be a part of my life. Only my warped thinking made me believe that I had control. As a result, over the years, I isolated myself and became very unhealthy.

Actionsoverwords posted 4/16/2014 21:54 PM

Hi sadone29,

Thank you for your posts. My BW has been detaching from me for a while now and I feel that we are so far apart right now. I'm not sure why I can't be more empathetic or sympathetic and a lot less selfish. I don't know if it is a method of protecting myself and using selfishness has a defensive tactic, but I know it hasn't helped what has been happening.

I can't defend my insistence that I haven't cheated, it's kind of like saying, "I beat the crap out of you last year, but honest, I did nothing this year!" It's ludicrous, but I feel by proclaiming that fact, it somehow shifts the blame onto my BW for "still" being upset.

There is a tremendous sense of entitlement on my part and there always has been. I also have a grand perspective on myself and what my issues are and that no one understands me, but the truth is i have no control over my life

sadone29 posted 4/17/2014 08:58 AM

You do have great insight into yourself, but you need to decide if you're going to do something about it. Most SA's have narcissistic traits but aren't truly narcissist. It's a defense mechanism to hide the severe pain. Deep down, maybe you don't think you can handle what's really underneath.

I still think you should try to figure out if this is something that you can overcome or at least manage (if you are a true narcissist). Maybe you do need more extensive help like an inpatient program, I don't know.

If change is possible, don't go through life not knowing true intimacy. Everyone deserves that.

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