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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: So confused and hurt...
Taitrig
♀ 43118
Member # 43118
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my h has always been a flirt with his female co workers at work.. and he has always a lot of female friends which I was ok about .there has been a handful of times when he has receive innocent but inappropriate text messages or emails I called him on it and he stops talking to the female. however this time was different we went to my sons baseball practice he left his phone and wallet on the floor so I picked them up put them in my purse. A few minutes later his phone vibrates so he never told me the password but I figured it out I check his inbox it was his mom but one his text messages caught my eye it was from his "friend" I start to read they r flirting back and forth sending each other picture She said she was home alone and he said he should go over and keep her company. He said she was hot and this is what kill me he said that she should be his ..that broke my heart .. I confronted him and he claimed it was nothing just playing around.. But seriously who plays around like that. I asked him if he was attracted to her he said yes but he would never do anything . Then I called her and instead of being sympathetic and apologizing she told me no nothing went on with them and that to stop calling her when I only called her once. I just feel so uneasy about it and hurt every time I close my eyes I pictured that text message and try to remember if they were any signs of being just friendly. I have a male friend that I have known forever and I would never do anything like that.. I just know how to feel and what to believe and to make matters worst while we were discussing why he would said things like that he said cause he was unhappy...don't know what to believe

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Jersey
hopeandnohope
♀ 43097
Member # 43097
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your hurt. Don't let him give you any excuses for his behavior. It's not appropriate. I think it's Dr Phil that says if you wouldn't do it with your spouse right there then it's cheating. I know the shock and hurt are so painful right now. I'm new to posting so I'll let others give you advice. You don't deserve to be betrayed and don't let him blame you at all. I have learned that much here. Hugs to you sister.


Me 58
WS 55
together 17 years
2 grown kids each(none together)
finally past the wanting to die stage

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2014
skeptical
♀ 43106
Member # 43106
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really understand what you mean and what's going through your head and your heart.... You should not have to go throught that. Men are lame and will do anything they can to avoid telling the truth when they get caught. The way this girl reacts is not normal, she should understand your frustration and be helpful if she didnt feel guilty herself.
I really hope that you ll get answers to your questions.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: California
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Taitrig, that you have to be here because of a cheating asshole who will lie to you until he is blue in the face. That's what they do. You found the texts, you called her, you called him out on it and now his blatant lying and TT will begin.

Follow the great advice that others will give you on here. It will help you a lot. Read from the healing library and get all of his passwords. Take his cellphone everyday and check it and check the bill. Look at his facebook and email. Check his car from top to bottom and the ctedit card bills.

It sucks, but he won't be offering you any info on his own so you have play detective. In the meantime, get your hands on the cash. I mean, move half the money into an account just for you if you're feeling nice. If not, take it all.

Keep posting. We're with you.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no such thing as "innocent yet inappropriate texts and emails" from female friends.

No. He has been cheating for a long time. He was just able to excuse it away before. And you wanted to trust him, so you did. Which is normal.

Is OW married? Find out as much info as you can...without asking your WH..because he will lie to protect her. If she is married, call her husband. He deserves to know. Send him a copy of all evidence..texts, emails, pics, etc.

He would "never do anything"??? He has been cheating..pics, flirting, emails and texts...all cheating.

OW is a coworker? Then he needs to find another job. You can't R as long as there is contact.

Nope. He's cheating.

Find your bitch boots. Tell him no more female friends...you get full access to ALL online accounts...he gets tested for STD's..he writes a NC email to OW..and you send it.

But..since he is saying he didn't do anything wrong..Im guessing he will refuse all of this. So, maybe your best bet would be to put spyware on his phone and a keylogger on the computer he uses at home. That will tell you everything he is doing.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Taitrig
♀ 43118
Member # 43118
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank everybody.. It feel so nice to have people that can relate to my situation . It still hurts but knowing that I have a place where I can come and vent it makes it a little easier. I told him last night that I might never be able to trust him again . I am thinking about going to a therapist . I can not even look at him without being heartbroken, I want to hate him so much but It is so hard. yea she is married . I told her that if she did not stop I will tell her husband.. Also I told him to move to a different department . I am also going to try that spyware ..

[This message edited by Taitrig at 6:56 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Jersey
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threatening to tell her husband if they don't stop is a common BW tactic..that almost always blows up in your face.

They work together. The affair is most likely still going on.

You need to call her husband and speak to him..no voicemail..no email..no facebook..she knows you know so she is watching for you to attempt to tell her husband...call him. Tell him everything you know. First, he deserves to know..you want to know what's going on..right? So does he. Second, this is the absolute best move you can make right now. Affairs thrive in the dark. You tell her husband, then it shines a big spotlight on the affair. Chances are, she will throw your WH under the bus in an attempt to save her marriage. The fog your WH is in over this OW will instantly be broken when he realizes he meant nothing to her. Plus, you have the added bonus of another set of eyes on them..it makes it very hard for them to take the affair underground. Oh, and chances are, her BH will be able to put some of those missing pieces together..he can check her phone, email,etc.

Tell her husband..and do not tell your husband that you're going to do it. He will run to OW..who will run to her BH..and she will tell him you're crazy..that you're calling up all of your WH's female coworkers, and their spouses, and accusing them of having an affair with your WH...that you're crazy and jealous. If she gets to him before you do, all the perks of telling her husband won't happen...and it will draw your WH and OW closer.

I know it's hard..but you absolutely must do this.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH has seriously lacking boundaries. those have to change or your M will have to either a) end or b) continue with years of emotional and physical affairs that drive you crazy.

With boundaries--your very reasonable boundaries that he not inappropriately flirt or message with other women--should come consequences. What will you do if he won't straighten up? Get your ducks in a row for shock and awe.

This probably sounds extreme. You may want to deny how bad it is. 'They're just messages' you might justify. But they are crossing lines in the sand. And once crossed, how much easier to keep up that behavior and even go further? A man who sees no harm in this is a threat to you. He is not safe. This is NOT hyperbole. It is the truth.

Don't ignore your gut. Put your foot down and protect yourself. You are not crazy or jealous. He is over the line and you need to stand up for yourself before you land in an even greater world of hurt.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Taitrig
♀ 43118
Member # 43118
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We'll I have decided to leave him for awhile. I contacted her husband . I also got access to all his accounts password . He even leaves his phone out and he decided to go to counseling . He told me their is something wrong with him not me so he feels that he should go not me. Yesterday I checked his phone and everything on it is either family or his business . But even with that I think it would be better off staying with my mom for awhile just to get my thoughts together cause every time I look at him I envisioned those text messages. He begged me to stay and made me promise him that it would be temporary . I just need some space and time to heal. I just don't know how to trust him again . I don't know if I could ever trust anything it's like living with a stranger. How do u move forward and trust again???

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Jersey
12yearsloyal
♀ 43064
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you have found yourself here like many of us. I would definitely make the rule no female friends for him. That is how my WS met his current OW, thru a female friend. And now he and the OW are working at the same company. Nothing good ever comes from these "friends" of the opposite sex if you ask me. Too risky. I would go to counseling for yourself. I am going and it is helping me even though I do not know if we will end up in R or D. Time will tell.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs) D Day 3/10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Apr 2014
Blindsided2014
♀ 43117
Member # 43117
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Taitrig I could have written your post. I too got confirmation of the A by text message. I agree seeing the words was the hardest part. I had suspected but seeing him say I NEED YOU killed me. My H said the same things ONLY WORDS WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING AGAIN My question was the same
THEN WHY SAY IT
I told him I'd have loved to get those kind of texts from him. The OW spouse knew about the A and had already forgiven my H screwed up huh? He even stayed with them when I kicked him out. The mind movies as they call them here are hard to deal with. Wish I knew how to stop them and them I could help you. Just know you are not alone and this place is great. I am only 4 days from DDay and don't have alot of helpful info but talking helps, I also get alot of comfort reading other posts. Prayers and Hugs


Me- 44 Him- 44
Married 9/2002
D Day= 12/2013 suspected 4/12/14 confirmed when I found text. DDay #2 5/21/2014
No kids together
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
YEAH Well THAT BIT ME IN THE ASS

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Orlando FL
Taitrig
♀ 43118
Member # 43118
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@blindedsided 2014 that's what I told him I said u never text me stuff like that and even if u "claimed" u did not do anything it still cheating . When I read those messages it was like seeing a stranger. He wrote to her like he did to me when we first got together. Then he swore up and down that they were friends. I said I have male friend that I knew a lot longer than he knew this girl and I would never say things like to him. Cause that is not what friends do.. I am so disgusted by him and I really want to hate him and just walk away forever. But for some reason I still love him. And what sucks is I was such a believer in love I mean my favorite book is pride and prejudice . But it's like a part of me died when I saw those texts. I can never go back to who I used to be. Now I am trying to figure out if I can move on.. But this place has been so helpful..

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Jersey
Taitrig
♀ 43118
Member # 43118
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I spoke to the husband of the ow yesterday . And this morning I woke up to a text message from the ow saying I destroyed her marriage over nonsense . I responded well if u and my husband would not have decided to flirt and disrespect ur spouses with ur flirting this would not have happen . I also told her I don't want her to contact my husband or me ever again and if she does I would destroy more than her marriage.. Like the balls this lady has .. I never been a violent person but honestly she makes me want to track her down and just punch her. And to think my husband would even talk to a nasty disrespectful individual angers me to no end.she is not even taking responsibility she was telling him to stop texting and she did not tell him it was inappropriate she was participating . So really .. I was so anger by this I am so happy there is a place where I can just vent

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Jersey
Mac4
♂ 43122
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taitrig, I'm relatively new to this club, so I'm not sure what your best course or action would be. My D-day was March 3rd. But without a doubt this needs to be addressed! I would absolutley deal with these texts as if they were an affair. Not sure from your post if it is a EA or PA at this point for your H. But my story was I caught my wife having an EA with inappropriate texts with her tennis coach 3 years ago. I put spyware on her phone and confronted her with pages of texts some friendly some inappropriate. She cried, was remorseful, admitted it was inappropriate and that it would stop. And it did briefly and our marraige improved for a while. Then, a few months later she put a password on her phone, said it was to keep the kids off it. Now 3 years later I am dealing with the fallout from an affair that progressed from texts to sexual involvement. Other members can probably give you better advice about what approach to take at this point, but what you have discovered is inappropriate and absolutely needs to stop or this will progress. Every sense that you have that this is wrong is correct. Don't doubt your intuition.

take care of yourself, you are not alone


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taitrig,

Good job letting her husband know. Now block her. She will have nothing to add to your life. Focus on your marriage. If you find something that indicates that there was more than texting, contact her husband again to update him. Otherwise, move on with what matters here.


I recommend that your husband read the book "Not Just Friends" with you. If he is unwilling, that tells you a lot about how much value he puts on your marriage. I remember when I got the book after my husband's affair. I started reading it thinking it was going to give me the answers to help him with his boundaries. It did but it was an eye opener because I recognized that I also had poor boundaries. That book helped us shore up the walls of our marriage with good boundaries.

If your husband is still insisting that he did nothing wrong, that falls under the category of unremorseful. With an unremorseful spouse, the 180 (you'll find posts about it in this forum) is the best way to go. That allows you to gain emotional strength while detaching from him. It gives you some time to decide what your next course of action is. The 180 is for you not to get a reaction out of him although it does sometimes have the added benefit of showing the WS that your serious. Sometimes, a WS who sees that his/her spouse is done putting up with crap will pull his/her head out of the nether regions. However, the main purpose is so you can gain some perspective and emotional stability. If your spouse is unremorseful and unwilling to do what you need to be safe in your marriage, the 180 is for you.

Best wishes.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4276 | Registered: Sep 2005
notgoneyet
♀ 33294
Member # 33294
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having been thru your DDay on the first one, my advice is go to MC and make an agreement about where his boundaries should be and what he will do if he crosses them.

My WH had a EA with the first one but now I just found out about a PA with the 2nd. A leopard does not change its spots and if the tendency is there, and opportunity, it could go further.

Protect yourself before you go down my road.

Hugs to you.


Need to update: After almost 3 years at first Dday came DDay #2 which was a true PA with an employee. After discussion on DDAy, he appeared to realize what he had done and called her and went NC. Since then we have been in IC and MC but I am strug

Posts: 140 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: mn
Topic Posts: 16

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