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Newest Member: Kylique (61150)

User Topic: Does the pain ever go away?
♀ 42961
Member # 42961
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going on 3 months since he told me. Still feels like yesterday. We're having more good days. A couple times I totally forget what happened. But when I remember, it takes everything I have to keep myself from freaking out. I fight the tears, the anger. I try to silence the 15 million questions popping up in my head.
I love him sooo much. I want nothing more than to get past this and get back to spending the rest of my life with him. Does this pain ever go away? Will I ever stop being so angry?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 42321
Member # 42321
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that you have to be here. But this is one of the best places to be. You will have some days of no pain. And you will have some days of great pain. I'm 6 months out from the first DDay. And I still have days of pain. Today was one of those days. I actually got a huge headache from thinking too much about the pain!!!!! From what I have seen from others here, it may take a year or more for the pain to totally go away. But just take each day as a day to take care of YOU. And they will get better... Stay strong and come to SI for help, to vent or just to read and learn...

Me 41: BS
Her 29: WS
4 children between us
Together 6 yrs: Married 19 months
EA/PA 15 months
OP 51: married with 4 children, close in age to my wife.
D Day#1 3/13/13
D Day#2 9/28/13
NC Letter 2/17/14

Hardship is a pathway to peace...

Posts: 33 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: West Coast
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. I fight the tears, the anger. I try to silence the 15 million questions popping up in my head.
This is the problem, IMO. If I remember correctly, your WH isn't giving you a safe place to heal, and that he wants to rugsweep.

If you don't feel the feelings and get the questions answered and be allowed to feel your pain and anger, you can't heal.

Please don't stuff the pain. It needs to come out, it doesn't just go away.


"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55101 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain can certainly go away that visceral, tearing of the guts and mind pain. It helps if your WH is doing what he needs to do, to help you get through it and to be open and honest with you. It certainly will delay things for a long time if he actively resists or refuses to man-up to his responsibilities. At three months, I was still in crisis mode. I had some good times during the day, but I think that I can honestly say that I didn't have a good, entire day yet, at that time.

Good new is that right now, at 22 months out, most of my days are normal to wonderful. There's still some up and downs, but I can honestly say that I enjoy my life right now and I anticipate the future. It's taken a lot of work from both of us, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain, but we're in a very good place right now.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9933 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 29068
Member # 29068
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The answer is YES! The pain does go away. My Dday was January 2010. In the beginning, I did not think it would be possible to go 10 minutes without thinking about the A, and the wrenching pain associated with those thoughts.

Now, I actually go days without thinking about it, and when I do think about the A, the stabbing feeling is gone...I mean, it isn't a pleasant memory, but it no longer hurts. It is more like, "Well...that sucked, but oh well." And I shrug it off.

Other things that I never would have believed-- I can actually watch tv shows without falling out pieces when infidelity comes up. I can wear the sweater that I wore on dday, without associating it with bad thoughts. When I met somebody with the same unusual name as OW, and I didn't automatically want to smack her. When FWH's needs a haircut, I don't think about how ow liked his hair long.

I'm not saying that everything is perfect. It isn't perfect, but it is normal. I no longer define myself as a betrayed woman. I am just plain old Sid.

So-- yes, the pain does subside. It does get better. Hang on.

BW: 47 me
FWH: 50
DDay: 1/22/2010
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jul 2010
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that feeling where you forget for a second, a minute, an hour or a couple of hours (!!) (that happens later on) and then you remember. It is like someone died, and a knife goes through your heart.

At 10 months out I still get that feeling, the "Oh my God, this really happened" feeling, but I realized today when I had it (and it did make my eyes well up) that I hadn't had it in over a week! Not that I hadn't thought about the affair in a week (wouldn't that be nice), but that searing pain of remembering. So, definite progress. Healing can and does happen. It takes time, and work, and help, and love. Hang in there.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:19 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3518 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned to live in the present.
Keep looking forward.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 7

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