I am a betrayed child as well as a WS.
My mum had an exit A. I don't know how long it went on for but I remember every single argument my parents ever had. I used to sit at the top of the stairs at night listening. We left when I was eight, my siblings five and two. We moved in with the OM for several months but then my parents decided to get back together, so we moved back home for six months. Both my mum and dad admit now they only tried to reconcile for the children. Needless to say, it didn't work and we moved back in with the OM.
My mum and the OM have been together for twenty years now. They are married and have a wonderful relationship. The OM, my step dad is an amazing man and I count myself lucky to have him in my life. As a child and now as an adult I have three fantastic and very involved parents who love me and now my own children and all three are active in our lives.
The issue isn't the A. The issue isn't the separation and subsequent divorce. My mum and dad still get on very well, talk often and it was a very amicable and civilised split. My dad has never remarried, never had another partner and admits he never should have married my mum. He likes being alone.
The issue is the period of time we went back and they tried to R. I remember this period of time with anxiousness even twenty years later. It was an unsettling and upsetting time for me. There were lots of arguments, I was constantly worried about leaving in the middle of the night again, unsure of my future, where I was going to live. I was eight, I was scared.
My take away from this is that I hate surprises. Christmas and birthdays I have to know what I'm getting. I have to have things planned out. I'm not obsessive about it but I dislike loose plans. I don't like uncertainty or not knowing what's going to happen. I like order and organisation, everything in my house has a place and it's never messy or dirty. I clean a lot. Not to the point of OCD, I don't think bad things will happen if I don't, I just feel calmer in a clean and tidy house. I cannot relax and watch telly in the evening if my children's toys are still all over the floor.
Currently, I am separated from BH. He is living just up the road and I remain with the kids in the family home. This situation cannot continue long term, it is not our house, we are a military family and it is army housing. I have no car and it is a very remote area, I have spoken in other threads about how isolating this is for me.
Eventually, a decision will have to be made. Either we will stay together as a family and move elsewhere. Or, BH will stay in his single accommodation and I will move with the children back nearer my family. This will be a relocation of several hundred miles, a huge change for the children, a new school, new friends and an explanation that mummy and daddy no longer live together.
I am struggling with this because the relocation feels like a line being drawn and R would no longer be on the table. At the point I move the children to that new life, there is no chance of R after that (for me, I would go back in a heartbeat but I'm worried about the children.) The disruption it would cause to them to move, set up a new life have it explained to them that daddy no longer lives with them is bad enough but to uproot them again at some point in the future, move them back in to a new family home and explain that mummy and daddy are back together, it feels too confusing for them. I know, I've been through it. I'm working through the issues it caused me in IC right now. I have caused enough damage with my A, I don't want to be the cause of further suffering for them.
BH and I were discussing the logistics of my move back near my family at the weekend. Money, me not having a car etc. BH was very stressed out by it all, it wasn't an easy discussion. I shared my fear, that I would move and six months later he would change his mind and want to get back together. He looked surprised and said "why would that be a problem?" I explained my FOO issues and what caused them, I expressed concern at similar disruption for our own children. He became slightly angry, said he was making no such decision. He said he can't think more than 48 hours in the future, let alone six months or a year so he doesn't know how he's going to feel.
This is in stark contrast to what he had said a few hours earlier, that he never wanted to be with me again and he wanted to and had already tried moving on (confessed he had met a girl in a club, exchanged numbers and been texting her. Been introduced to a girl by a friend and had also been messaging her. Claims he stopped talking to them when they suggested meeting because he knew he couldn't get physical, it would feel like cheating. Given his history, I am unsure how true that is but that's for a different thread!)
So now I'm struggling. I know my FOO issues are causing me anxiety over this and I am trying very hard not to let them have such a hold over me. I told BH I wasn't forcing him into a decision, that if I moved and at any point in the future he wanted to get back together, I would of course move back in with him. We are his family, we are always an option for him and I would never deny him that. But I do have anxiety about the effect on the children, I just wanted to be honest.
The result of this conversation was that he spent the night with me on Sunday night. Which was lovely, I am very grateful for those precious hours. It was lovely to wake up next to him in the morning. But we haven't spoken about it since and I am unsure how to proceed.
Sorry for the uber long post, my IC is away this week, my session would usually be later today. Needed to get it out I think!
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:19 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]