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Share the pain

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islesguy posted 4/15/2014 05:41 AM

I know that I can never experience what my wife has been through, even if I were to be cheated on by her because it wouldn't come along with the same feeling of being completely blind sided that she experienced. Her day to day life sucks and the pain is immense.

I really want to feel like we are tacking this together and I would really like to be able to share her pain as she struggles to make sense of it all.

I feel horrible all the time for what she has been burdened with but still know it is just a drop in the bucket compared to what she is experiencing.

Have any of you been able to really be a partner in the pain and suffering that your betrayed has gone through and if so how?

authenticnow posted 4/15/2014 05:55 AM

I don't believe that trying to share her pain is the way to go. It isn't possible, and what's the point? If you're talking about empathy, that's another story. Validating her feelings, affirming them, acknowledging them...there's a difference.

Feeling the other's pain is not going to help ease hers, and if it was a valid way of fixing all of this, there wouldn't be any madhatters. My H cheated on me a long time ago, I felt his pain as a BS, and I cheated on him years later anyway.

IMO, the way you help fix this and help her heal is by being completely transparent, humble and kind, work on yourself to figure out what is wrong inside you. Work together as a couple trying to fix the foundation, and when she doesn't have it in her to do that, you do it anyway.

That's how you help ease her pain, IMO.

Shayna71 posted 4/15/2014 09:21 AM

No stop sign. BS here.

I DO think it would help if I thought my H felt my pain. I told him in MC not long ago, "Part of me never wants you to feel any kind of pain, because I love you, but another part of me wants you to hurt exactly how and exactly how MUCH I am. If I knew that you did, I think I'd feel better. Right now it feels unequal. You may have your own issues, but no way do they compare to my pain. Sometimes I want you to be punished just as I am being punished."

That being said, you are totally right. You can't really feel her pain. It's really great that you want to. I'm sure every BS out there wishes their WS felt that way. I might suggest that you read some of the JFO, General, and Reconciliation posts by BS.(You may have already) but some of them are REALLY articulate and might help you get a better understanding.

Tred posted 4/15/2014 09:25 AM


I held my wife's hand during childbirth. That's as close as I could get to sharing her pain. Does that make sense? Since I'll never pass a bowling ball, I'm not sure I can ever claim to have shared her pain. Nor do I think it is necessary - empathy, remorse, and understanding. Let your actions reflect how much you know you hurt her. That's all you can really do.

AML04 posted 4/16/2014 06:58 AM

empathy, remorse, and understanding. Let your actions reflect how much you know you hurt her. That's all you can really do.

This is exactly what I'm looking for. I don't want my WH to be in pain and certainly not as much as I have been. If I could give him a glimpse into what I'm feeling that would be great but that's not possible. Unfortunately that's something only a BS can feel and we have to figure out how to heal ourselves from that.

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