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Cant sleep, frustrated

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astudentoflife posted 4/15/2014 05:56 AM

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 10:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 4/15/2014 06:09 AM

You both have major communication issues that need to be addressed, IMO.

Also, she needs to stop 'working'. Given the history between the two of you, infidelity, abuse, etc., there is NO place for other people in your M. She needs to find another job.

You both need a good IC and MC to even begin to scratch the surface.

astudentoflife posted 4/15/2014 07:14 AM

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 10:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

astudentoflife posted 4/15/2014 07:16 AM

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 10:35 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

astudentoflife posted 4/15/2014 07:24 AM

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 10:35 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 4/15/2014 13:26 PM

It's great that you are taking forward steps and being proactive in your healing.

You can't control what your wife will or won't do, so keep going to IC, doing your work, and stay steady with it.

As far as your wife...again, you can't change her, you can only control how you react to what she does and how much you want to live with. There are always choices.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/15/2014 14:26 PM

You know something authenticnow, I have enough communication skills to admit that I don't have them, if you would read my post carefully. I have been to group and IC (read as a quality abusers group). I know what I need to do for myself and my contribution to our relationship. I was clearly trying to communicate that I have problems which I am trying to address. What I need is someone to acknowledge that I am not crazy and that I am on a good path...

This paragraph sounds a bit bitter and smug to me, and my interpretation of your words is that authenticnow didn't give you the response you wanted. Your statements "if you would read my post carefully" and "I was clearly trying to communicate" imply that she misunderstood you, and the fault lies with her careless reading, because you (obviously) communicated clearly.

Am I getting that right? Sincerely, I'm willing to consider that I, too, am misinterpreting you. Your last response sounded like a defensive rejection. To the only person who generously took the time to respond.

To be honest, all I need is for [BW] to come down from this hurt and anger and approach me as I approach her.

She's not you. You and she have different communication styles. As WS, I believe it's on us to approach our BS on their playing field, even if it's uncomfortable or unfamiliar.

I said to my wife the other day that we have not committed to a good R by not participating in IC and MC. She wouldn't talk about it. What then? Any suggestions?

You go to IC, and learn the difference between hurt and anger, so it's not such a monumental effort for you to suppress the frustration that's currently threatening to manifest itself in abusive words & actions. When BS sees that change in you, she may agree to talk about MC.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/16/2014 07:17 AM

I'm sorry you felt attacked, and I truly hope you and your wife can find peace with one another. When you're ready to accept help, I hope you'll seek it out and actually be receptive to it.

sunnyrain posted 4/16/2014 08:17 AM

In the grand scheme of life, we are all fearful creatures.

“Would you mind coming with me, Piglet, in case they turn out to be Hostile Animals?” -- A.A. Milne

I'm hoping you find your safe person or place.

Don't give up, keep sharing! Invest in yourself.

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