Before your read this....know that I am not referrencing the initial pain (6-8 months for me) one experiences upon their DD. I am referring to the pain you experience AFTER that DD-pain starts to subside. I am also very aware of my own, personal brokenness (immaturities).
21-22 months out now.
80-90 therapy sessions.
2 weekend retreats.
35+ books read.
6 vacation days used on "affair related items".
Buckets of tears.
20 lbs lost.
This trial costs a LOT.
I was pondering these measureable items associated with the journey through adultery as well as those immeasureable items such as grief, depression, rage and the whole host of intense emotions and came up with this......
All growth is painful. All growth costs something. (have read all growth is good, but have not owned that for my own....yet). It is my lack-of-growth over the years that has necessitated me to do some VERY painful growth now.
As a forester I can relate to tree growth very well.
I see myself pre-A as a strong but unattended to tree. I had rubbing limbs, co-dominant tops, a few dead branches, and some pretty poor form and shape. I had healthy foliage, looked nice from the street. I produced some fruit, but it was not as high of quality or bountiful as I could have produced. In addition, my "issues" made me more vulnerable to disease and insects (temptations). I needed pruning.
For me, I was shocked when I peeked under the leaves and found I had limbs that needed pruned off (lies and coping mechs that I generated)
, that I was not producing the healthy fruit I thought I was (limited and,or destroyed intimacy as I ate that fruit).
Pruning, even when done to arborists standards, "hurts" a tree....creates stress in that tree. But it is healthy and results in a stronger tree....more able to withstand storms and other stress's.
You only prune live trees. No need to waste time or money on dead trees.....they are without hope.
So take comfort in the fact that you are alive, that you are worth pruning, that you CAN achieve better form, produce healthy fruit. There is hope for you.
Two become one.....hopefully and prayerfully, you AND your spouse are "pruning" your M tree and you can share in hope....and, one day, harvest healthy fruit from that tree. This takes you both examining that tree...."What do you think...need to trim that one off?" "Feel like eating that fruit now?"....those sorts of joint discussions must take place to restore that M tree and nurture it so that it may continuously produce fruit for you to eat and provide shelter when the storms return.
I had this thought this morning to conclude with.....
I love my daughters. They cost me time, money and anxiety.....but I GLADLY pay this cost. For they are ALIVE! I am full of hope for them every day, pray for them every morning, can't wait to see what their futures hold for them.
I was nervous to have children.....worried about the "costs" (both emotional and physical). Now I can't imagine why I waited as long as we did....and want MORE!
Since having our girls I can't hear a story or watch a movie with a child getting hurt or killed and not immediately have tears form in my eyes. I am blessed to have them alive and a part of my life. Costs are hardly a factor NOW....shame they were such a factor for me before.
I am blessed to BE alive.....even though in doing so I experience pain and growth. And that pain and growth cost me something. Shame the costs in investing (pruning) in myself pre-A seemed to be such a factor pre-A (dang codependency)......
As I ponder the man I was before this trial, I see I was constantly trying to keep my costs "down". I didn't prune as I needed to. I was a very unintentional orchard owner....satisified with a less-than-bountiful harvest and eating immature fruit rather than waiting for the proper harvest season.
I am no longer that orchard owner.
As I follow fellow SI members, particularly those whom I refer to as "my brat pack" members (those with similar start dates and join dates), I see an improvement in THEIR harvests.
I know I am not alone in this understanding that to be fully alive there is going to be growing, there is going to be pain, and that is going to cost us something.
Do not offer "nothing" and expect "something".
R to a WS is a gift. It is not cheap, it is not instantly realized, nor is it an act of a weak person. In fact, it comes at a HIGH price...perhaps one of the highest a person can pay. My wife has realized this.
I pray all BS's can fully accept that offering R to their fWS is NOT a cheap, weak offering.....it is one that is expensive. It takes a person willing to expose and offer up their core to another for this to happen. To do this, the BS has to grow through and past the pain.....to invest in themselves....to wait for a harvest. All the while they are starving and sooooo want to eat now! But they don't.
Affairs, porn, volunterism, workaholism, alcoholism.....all are instant, cheap and easy.....no waiting for the harvest season. But that fruit is of poor quality and quantity....a reflection of low-costs and lack of intention.
I pray this does not offend the BS's who were healthy pre-A. I humbly offer up this post from a standpoint of a very flawed BS and do not intend to project my level of brokenness to the average BS.
God is with us all.