Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

First NB break up. Ouch.

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

getnbtr1 posted 4/15/2014 08:58 AM

I have been involved with this man since last summer. We met before my divorce was final and the relationship became more involved there after. As advised, I took it slowly, focused on me. Saw him 1x per week, with daily phone chats and texts. We were both healing from divorce/Breakups and supported each other through being friends and lovers. He was recovering from a 1 1/2 yr long relationship with a woman that he was originally an AP to. The end of that relationship came after she repeatedly broke up with him, then lured him back several times. He was pretty destroyed by her but seemed to finally realize how toxic she was. Once obstacle to our moving forward was that this man is a ski racing coach here in the northeast. He also coaches this woman's children. Once ski season rolled around, he was rather inaccessible due to coaching commitments and his own daughter's ski racing endeavors. We worked with this, maintained weekly dates (sex), and our daily contact. It was frustrating, since it felt natural to want to begin to expand on things. We had begun to talk a lot about "life after ski season" and of plans to spend more time together and integrate each other more into one another's lives. I was excited and hopeful and had just about run out of patience. He finally told his son about us, and took me to meet his best friend, spoke of how much he wanted this.

Then the last week of ski season, he began to pull away. A full days with no call, or minimal texts back started. Less flirting on the phone, more formal. I started sensing that he was getting a bit nervous about all the promises, etc. I tried not to push, but expressed my concerns. My gut started screaming at me, I began to fear the ex-girlfriend. My friends thought I was way off base, that I was over-analyzing. Then a few days ago I got off the phone with him and I felt that he had lied to me about his ex-girlfriend being at that past weekend's ski race. I confronted him. He admitted he lied. And then went on to tell me that he spent time alone with her skiing, and they went out to dinner and she told him she is thinking of getting back together, that they had discussed it and he was confused and "fucked up" and didn't know what he wanted to do. That he liked the way it felt to be with her, etc. He apologized profusely for betraying me, hurting me, etc. He was "crazy about me", "cared about me", the idea of not having me in his life "terrifies him", however I knew he was getting me out of the way to explore things with her since he said she would not move forward with him while I was still in the picture.

I reacted by asking him a lot of questions, and I believe he answered them honestly. I then told him I wanted nothing to do with him ever again (and a few other nasty things). We hung up Sunday night and there has been no contact since.

I appreciate him coming clean with me quickly and telling me what happened and what he is going through. I am having some empathy for his situation. I can't imagine what it would be like if my old heartache returned with my fantasy of telling me he missed me and wanted me back. However, I can't stay in his life now. I made the abrupt cut off, threw his stuff away, cancelled the XM radio subscription I had given him as gift (heck, I'm not gonna keep paying for that!), and have not made any contact with him. I have not yet defriended him from FB. Not ready. Wish I was.

I'm so hurt and disappointed and angry that he was so weak and cowardly and stupid. So angry that I spent all this time slowly building a relationship with him when he was really never over her. I feel so set-back.

One good thing.....My gut was right. I can trust it.

finallymefirst posted 4/15/2014 09:28 AM

Sorry this happened, but like you said, your gut was right. Also, be very glad that this didn't drag on and on. You noticed a change in behavior and you addressed it. I don't know if he was married or if she was married, but in the future, maybe you should steer clear of people who were recently involved in infidelity unless you can trust that there has been significant growth and learning from being in that kind of relationship.

getnbtr1 posted 4/15/2014 09:53 AM

He was not married. I was his 3rd relationship post divorce, so its been a few years. She was married and filed for divorce after beginning her affair with him. I learned a lot about their relationship as we got to know each other and was able to see more about his own fog and how in lurve they were. I know their relationship won't work, she will hurt him again, and its irrelevant. I'm just sad that I had believed he had learned and grew and understood his part in the affair, but I guess I was wrong. Someone who did that work would not be drawn back in and would have kept his boundaries up.

norabird posted 4/15/2014 11:14 AM


I'm sorry. At least you know to go NC and that he's not worth your time.

nutmegkitty posted 4/15/2014 11:24 AM

I'm sorry. It does hurt a lot.


cayc posted 4/15/2014 12:31 PM

She was married and filed for divorce after beginning her affair with him.

He's a dude who is ok being the OM/POSER. That says buckets about him. You don't want to be with someone who is okay being an AP even if that's not the case any longer.


cmego posted 4/15/2014 12:45 PM

Yeah, my last SO…I asked questions early about his last relationship and very mild alarm bells went off because he didn't sound over her. She cheated on him, treated him like crap…but he was too hung up on how he felt when they "started", and finally found out he compared other relationships to how he felt in the beginning with her. One of the reasons that we ended was that he compared me to her…or his "feelings for her against the feelings for you."

That is a BAD sign. After someone has screwed you over more than once, you shouldn't go back to them. I agree with giving people one good chance, and if you screw that up…I'm out. If I run across a guy that gives a girl multiple chances and she screws him over and over…? Red flag. They are OK with being treated like crap.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. The first breakup post D is always the most difficult, but it sounds like you have your head on straight. There is nothing you can do.

A wise SI person told me, after fSO and I ended, "Love comes in many forms. You shouldn't compare." I keep that tucked into my head when I meet someone new. I don't compare old feelings with new ones because they are always different.

better4me posted 4/15/2014 13:07 PM

(((getnbtr1))) Sorry you are hurting. Glad you can trust your gut. Glad you decided never to see him again. Stick to that!

It isn't really a set back. It is a learning opportunity (or as I prefer to call them, "f*cking opportunities for growth)

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/15/2014 13:13 PM

I'm sorry for your pain.

I have to say that she just sounds so toxic that she needed to get you out of the way so she can feel like somebody when she dumps him, yet again.

SBB posted 4/15/2014 18:12 PM

He was recovering from a 1 1/2 yr long relationship with a woman that he was originally an AP to.

^^to say you just dodged a bullet is an understatement.

k94ever posted 4/15/2014 18:52 PM

Get....he was willing to have sex with another man's wife.

That should tell you loads about his morals.

You dodged the bullet for sure with this guy.


k94ever posted 4/15/2014 18:53 PM

Get....he was willing to have sex with another man's wife.

That should tell you loads about his morals.

You dodged the bullet for sure with this guy.


risingfromashes posted 4/15/2014 19:14 PM

I am sorry to hear that this has happened.

getnbtr1 posted 4/17/2014 08:27 AM

Thanks for the feedback. Its hard to realize that someone is broken, and not good for you, and that you are ultimately better off without them, while at the same time feel sad, heartbroken, rejected, and lonely. I'm once again frustrated that I put my trust into someone that was not capable of caring about me honestly and he was too messed himself to have integrity. I realize now that he told me what I needed to hear to keep me in his life, but never really wanted what he was saying. Despite knowing all of this, I am grappling with wanting to be in touch with him, hoping he fights for me back, etc. Very unhealthy thinking on my part. Makes me feel unstable and I thought I had made such progress. Pissed that this break up makes me feel so set back.

k94ever posted 4/17/2014 11:34 AM

Get....why do you want to get into a relationship with someone who willingly inserts themselves into someone else's marriage?

Tells me he has no boundaries and no respect and a whole lot of "I want".


[This message edited by k94ever at 11:35 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

Newlease posted 4/17/2014 12:53 PM

I had a bad situation with the first person I dated after my D was final. He said all the right things, and I was still pretty wounded from the breakup of my 24 year marriage.

I put up with bad behavior for way too long because I wanted to "win" this time. I didn't realize until much later that I was not winning anything by staying in a bad relationship. It was a good, but painful lesson for me to learn.

I'm sorry you are hurting. You know what you need to do. NC - 180. Feel the pain but move on. Something much better could be waiting down the road.

Sending strength and peace.


Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.