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FightingChance posted 4/15/2014 09:48 AM

FHW and his XW do not get along nor parent their 11 & 13 boys together. They do have shared joint physical and legal custody, she has primary. They split their time equally between the two houses. FWH and I have been together over 4 years now and they spend more time with us each year. I have sole custody of my 14DS.

My FWH and I are strict in our parenting and set reasonable behavioral expectations. XW is not and in fact, there is little parenting at her house. She doesn't give the 13SS his ADHD meds and thinks coffee will cure him, our 11SS is often out of zoloft at her house. She doesn't really think they need this medicine, etc. This leads to all kinds of disagreements and issues with the kids. My 11SS uses this to his advantage and really wreaks havoc at our house.

Recently XW went through a second bad breakup and moved in a roommate with a 3 yo son. She also refuses to accept a counselor for our 11SS that 13SS uses and says she’ll find one of her own. He hasn’t been to a counselor in 6 months. 11SS has regressed in his behaviors and attitudes over the past few months. He acts more like a 3 yo child than an almost 12 yo. He says inappropriate things in public, makes faces, noises, and purposely goes out of his way to aggravate other people. When at home he’s openly defiant and argumentative. He refuses to do things and generally makes life a living hell. Our trip this past weekend sealed the deal for me; I won’t be his sole caretaker any longer at our house. If his father isn’t at our house, then he will not be at our house.

Problem is that XW and FWH rely on me a lot to take care of the kids. They both work shift work while I work 9-5 M-F and am free on weekends and nights. I am around the kids 24/7 on our weekends. If I refuse to be responsible for my SS on our weekends, my FWH won’t get them, XW will pitch a fit because she has no one to watch them and things will get worse. However, I refuse to subject myself and my 14DS to the 11SS and his horrible behavior when I have no control over it. My feeling is XW is creating this problem allowing 11SS to act this way towards us.

FWH wants treatment for 11SS, but XW is putting her foot down and even though FWH has resisted upsetting her at this point, I’ve told him clearly, if this continues, we cannot live together because I won’t subject myself or my 14 DS to 11SS. FWH takes this as a threat of divorce and an ultimatum between his wife and his child. Not my intention at all but I don’t feel like I should have to live with this child with untreated psychological issues that I have no legal authority over, and neither should my 14DS.

FWH thinks I’m being unfair because he’s tried hard, he works on appointments and therapy with 13SS, he does everything he can with 11SS but 11SS prefers mom and hates dad. He says he can’t be held responsible for his XW. He says I’m threatening to divorce him over something he has no control over. I just see it as me protecting what I do have control over, myself and my 14DS.

What do you think? Has anyone else faced issues with their former spouses ex and left? Am I being ridiculous?

one2ndchance posted 4/15/2014 11:14 AM

FWH wants treatment for 11SS, but XW is putting her foot down and even though FWH has resisted upsetting her at this point

Oh, by all means....let's not upset the XW. Your FWH needs to grow some testicles and take responsibility for his children. I can't believe an 11 year old child is on Zoloft when it is available in the house!?! Zoloft must be taken consistently. No wonder he's acting out.

Your choice seem pretty clear. Suck it up, realize your FWH is a weak wuss, and tolerate the out of control SS or separate from FWH.

And yes...it is an ultimatum....and there is nothing wrong with ultimatums when you're dealing with a situation that puts YOUR son at risk.

FightingChance posted 4/15/2014 11:34 AM

One2dChance, I appreciate the response. In trying to be brief, I failed to mention that FWH has fights hard against his XW regularly and on the advise of our attorney he is not pushing her on the issue of therapy AT THIS MOMENT because she has just as much legal say as he does. Additionally, she must sign off on 11SS being in therapy due to the joint custody and if he pushes her, she won't and 11DS will not get it. 11DS needs therapy more than anything else right now. XW just wants to push her power and the lawyer and the new therapist we'd like to use says to wait it out as well. He's being seen by a medication management doctor and that's all we can do.

He is diagnosed depressed and oppositional defiant. He is on zoloft and he does take it regularly at our house. He does not take it regularly at her house. However, again, we can't prove it because our 11SS tells us he hasn't taken it and when FWH discusses it with her, she says he does. We know it's medical neglect. The psychiatrist knows what's going on. It's documented as allegations but until we get more "proof" we can do nothing.

On top of all this, our 13SS recently had interactions with a probable child predator while at her house. We have stripped him of all electronic devices but she says we have no authority to do that at her house. She refuses to take their emotional and physical well being to heart and therefore we've hired attorneys and alerted the authorities. At this moment we're awaiting the results of the investigation.

On the advice of our attorney, my FWH must tread carefully so as to get the information we need to get an emergency protective order to get them out of her custody. It's our best chance at this time.

I do realize it is an ultimatum. I never meant it to be. I love my husband and my children. I just feel like I have to protect the one child I have legal control over.

absolut posted 4/15/2014 12:01 PM

Wow I am so sorry for what you are dealing with.

Just so I understand your daughter is *yours* from previously not from this marriage right?

This~~~~>>>>>

She doesn't give the 13SS his ADHD meds and thinks coffee will cure him, our 11SS is often out of zoloft at her house. She doesn't really think they need this medicine, etc. This leads to all kinds of disagreements and issues with the kids. My 11SS uses this to his advantage and really wreaks havoc at our house.

Annoys me to NO END!!! Grrrrr!!! I went through something extremely similar as a child with my own parents. I posted on somebody else's thread about growing up in a cult and leaving as a teenager.

To this day I can't tell you how happy it makes me to take the medication I need daily to be at my best. (to be clear I had ADD as well as a physical medical condition) I could go on and on but I'll leave it alone. But I find this very distressing just on a message board so I can't even imagine for you.

First of all, I'm sure you thought long and hard before deciding to throw down a boundary. It's clear you love the two stepkids. it's also clear there is nothing you can do to help them.

As far as your "ultimatum," I'm not sure when this became such a dirty word. You're not asking him to run an obstacle course to prove his love. You should not have to "parent" children that you effectively have zero say in parenting. That's basically unpaid babysitting. I wouldn't do it either. I think he's being so unfair to you on a level that is pretty galling, and then saying you're giving him an "ultimatum," like that automatically makes you the bad guy, is just emotional blackmail.

Best wishes

one2ndchance posted 4/15/2014 12:38 PM

You've put FWH in a better light and have explained that he's doing all he can. You're unhappy with the situation and telling him...

if this continues, we cannot live together because I won’t subject myself or my 14 DS to 11SS.

Not sure what else you want FWH to do.

Again your choices are clear. Stick it out or separate. There is nothing FWH can do to change the circumstances. As you've described, he's done all he can.

You initially asked if you were being ridiculous? I don't think you are. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place...and FWH can't help you out of it.

As hard as 11SS is to handle, I encourage you to stick it out as long as 14 DS is not in any danger of being physically harmed by SS. I know it's not pleasant, but 11SS needs you to continue setting boundaries. You may not feel it, but you DO have control when he is with you in your home. You have the opportunity to be the kind of mother he lacks in his bio mom.

I realize it isn't easy...raising kids never is, and raising someone else's is even harder. Do your best. There'll be a halo waiting for you in heaven.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/15/2014 13:12 PM

For better or worse. Right now it is worse because of his kids. However, I feel for the kids and your husbands. He is trying and he is being told what to do by the lawyer so that he can get full custody. Do the 11ss act out in school? Because they can all in a therapist for him that deals with this type of issue.

Do threaten your husband about separating. You will not win. Those are his kids and that is not fair to him and it is putting more pressure on him. Stick by his side as a wife and help him. Support him in this. I know it is frustrating and you are fed up but it is is X not him.

devistatedmom posted 4/15/2014 17:30 PM

So the lawyer and your FWH is trying for an emergency protective order. Any idea how much longer this might take?

Can your FWH change his work shifts until the order is in place and you have 11 on meds regularly and calmed down?

I get what you are saying, and yes, it's not fair to you or 14. The problem is, I can't see what else he can do other than change his work shifts so he's around more. You know he's going for the order. You know the lawyers and therapists are telling him to hold tight. What do you think he can do?

FightingChance posted 4/16/2014 10:11 AM

Found out last night the pedophile investigation went no where. A burn phone was used so it's gone, the phone and tablet were wiped clean by 13SS and XW so they couldn't find anything. Best we can do is hope he has learned not to put himself in danger. Unfortunately, it was our best chance for a protective order so that's gone now too.

According to the attorney, our only option is to try to modify custody but since it's already 50-50 and only primary physical is in question, he doesn't think we have enough at this point to try. She's neglectful but not enough to remove her rights in his opinion.

Thanks for all the advice. I think maybe it's more frustrating for me because XW has definite mental issues and goes off like this off and on. It's a very draining thing.

Sometimes I'm so resentful of my FWH for not only putting me through the A but having an XW like this who causes so much drama. It's not fair, but it's truly sometimes what I feel.