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DepressedDaddy posted 4/15/2014 10:07 AM

Any words of wisdom of how to keep up NC, or at least a healthy NC, seeing as we are needing to talk about the business side of our divorce and our child?

Any tricks of the trade would be great. I am journaling each time I want to talk with her, or emotional connect, so I don't reach out to her. Are their other methods that have worked for others.

Chrysalis123 posted 4/15/2014 10:16 AM

In my case it took time because I needed a lot of practice at NC, and I fell off the wagon many times.

I try to only communicate by email. First it gives me time to think and remove any trace of emotion from my emails. I always write in a clear, lawyer like manner, and I often mention the best interests of the kids. I want to appear reasonable, rational, and as a good parent in the event my emails are used in court. I try to keep the emails very short too.

Second, emails give a great paper trail.

When Npdx contacts me I only answer questions about the kids or finances. No question = no response

When I was working with a lawyer, I had the lawyer contact him for all divorce matters.

Some people use online schedule planners for the day to day kid stuff. Maybe someone will come along and tell you about those.

IWantDoOver posted 4/15/2014 10:54 AM

One thing I learned it that behavior modification is not simply "stopping" one behavior; rather it's replacing an old, undesirable behavior with a new, desirable behavior. {You can google behavior mod}

I am journaling each time I want to talk with her, or emotional connect, so I don't reach out to her. Are their other methods that have worked for others.

What about working out? Or doing something toward your new beginning -- like apartment searching online, or looking for home furnishings that meet your taste (i.e., DISCOVERING what is your taste?), or researching fun Daddy-time activities for your children and creating a summer wish list that contains a diverse number of activities.

MadeOfScars posted 4/15/2014 11:07 AM

I agree with Chrysalis123. Email is the only method I use, and outside of one mild slip-up, I keep it strictly to finances/things we absolutely have to talk about, nothing more, nothing less, no matter what she tries to do/say. The paper trail has also already helped me in the divorce process a couple of times.

There are no kids in my situation so I can't really speak much to that. The online schedule planner idea sounds like a good way to stick to NC though. You can share Google calendars for example without having to directly "talk" to the ex.

I also agree with IWantDoOver. This is a time to focus on you, find things you can do that you want to do that get your mind off of her. It's hard to take those first steps, but it can be very liberating once you begin seeing a new life start to form that doesn't need your stbx to complete it. Working out has been a big one for me - it allows you to release stress, feel better about yourself, feel better/healthier just in general, and eventually you start seeing results that give you confidence. Hang in there man.

ETA: The rubber band method. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. When you start giving her too much of your headspace, snap that band as a reminder to put your thoughts elsewhere. I've seen this recommended many times on this site and, while skeptical at first, I've found it works for me. May be worth a shot

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 11:11 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 4/15/2014 11:16 AM

The strategies you have are a great start. If you have good friends who understand and can be there for, I also recommend emailing or calling them instead of her when you are tempted. It satisfies the itch to express what you are feeling/thinking in a healthy way.

You can do this.

Dreamboat posted 4/15/2014 11:41 AM

There is an article in the healing library about this subject:

When you want to contact her (about issues not related to kids/finance/D) then find several ways to distract yourself. Journal is great. Recalling something she did to make you angry helps. Venting on SI helps. Running up and down the steps or taking a walk around the block. Even snapping a rubberband on your wrist. Try several things until you find what works for you.

Eventually the urge to contact her will subside. The urge to give her a piece of your mind might now, but the urge to actually contact her to give her a piece of your mind will.

Good luck

DepressedDaddy posted 4/15/2014 12:26 PM

Thanks everyone!

I have been doing more for myself lately, but have times of weakness. Sometimes I find myself sending her a message about finances or our child, but deep down inside I am doing it to just feel connected with her again...[self-inflicted 2x4].

The journaling has actually worked really well. I have two journals going. I stream of consciousness one and texting one. I used to text with my WW often. Now that I don't want to contact her, I put the text message in a journal so it gets out, but never gets sent to her.

Thanks for the pointers.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/16/2014 12:39 PM


Today has not been good. I have contacted her a couple of times because I have been having a rough day. I am struggling with the loss of her. It hurts. Even if it is bad for me, talking with her still satisfies me for a little bit. However, i know it is delaying my progress to feel better.

I am just struggling. I just needed to share.

norabird posted 4/16/2014 12:42 PM

Change how she is listed in your phone. Put something like "Soul-Sucking Vampire" or "Do Not Text Her Unless This Is A True Emergency You Idiot" (sometimes negative self-talk can be ok ) instead of her name. Or just power it down if the urge is overwhelming. Put it in another room, or lock it away in a drawer. Remove the temptation as much as possible.

I get what you mean about just wanting the connection of course. Come here instead and tell us more about that.

cantaccept posted 4/16/2014 20:15 PM

I struggle greatly with NC also. Especially when he sends an email and one time a letter.

I find that my head spins with everything that I want to say.

I have a good friend on the other side of the country that I email with. Whenever I am really struggling with NC, I forward the email from stbxwh to my friend and then reply to my friend everything that I would like to say to stbxwh. Friend then replies to me, it seems to help because I get the validation of my feelings and the perspective. I get a real response.

It is a struggle. It is not perfect but it helps.

Sadmumma posted 4/17/2014 01:34 AM

I find not talking is best. Keep to text messages. They lack emotion,

SBB posted 4/17/2014 04:54 AM

Email or text only. I ONLY contact him about essentials - absolute essentials. I only inform him about things he would otherwise be unable to access himself.

Absolute essentials is the hard one. I had a list a mile long of essentials in the early days - as I've adjusted to my new normal it is a very very short list.

Healthcare matters
School matters (where he cannot get the info himself - it is up to him to register and read for the newsletters)

I can't discuss behavioural issues with him because he encourages bad behaviour to stick it to me.

I deal with my girls who are 6 and 3.5 I don't make them messengers and I refuse messages he sends through them.

Parallel parenting is the best I can make out of the situation. Attempts at co-parenting were allowing him to hurt me through my girls.

Legals issues were dealt with between lawyers. I tried coming to an agreement with him prior - he agreed to it and I honoured my parts (giving him a chunk of my redundancy) then he reneged and because he knew my dealbreakers he was able to fuck me over.

I only got my absolute dealbreakers. I am grateful I did but he dragged me through $50k in legal fees (each) to get what I could have gotten for $10k had I not tried to come to an agreement with him outside of the system. In my attempts to avoid a legal clusterfuck I ended up in a far longer legal clusterfuck than was necessary. His goal was to bleed me dry. He earns 2.5 times what I do so can make that $50k back in a year or two. He knows I never will.

Bluebird26 posted 4/17/2014 05:06 AM

Email! I also found if I emailed more then a couple of lines he wouldn't read it obviously too many words for the poor idiot to comprehend. I also put separate items in separate emails.

I also learned the art of re-reading my emails about 10 times before I send them so he can't 'misunderstand' what I have written.

Unless the email or text requires an answer so like a question don't reply.

Change your ring tone on your phone to something stupid like muppets theme song or set it to silent so it can go to message bank, so you can remind your WS by email that you will only communicate via this means. It does eventually get through.

justinpaintoday posted 4/17/2014 05:17 AM

Today has not been good. I have contacted her a couple of times because I have been having a rough day. I am struggling with the loss of her. It hurts. Even if it is bad for me, talking with her still satisfies me for a little bit. However, i know it is delaying my progress to feel better.

YUP!! Me too. I am the poster child for self abuse in this area. Read my posts. It is almost comical. I am glad this site in anonymous because I am sure several others would be coming to my house to slap me alot.

The fact that you are aware of all this is great progress. Those of us who deny our intentions are not there yet. I am proud of your progress. Keep aware of the intentions behind your messages and you will continue to strengthen. I like Noras idea on changing the name in the phone.

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