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WS and Anger with questions?

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brokeninhalf4034 posted 4/15/2014 10:45 AM

So we had our first real A talk last night. I just needed some answers. Before this when discussing things I was in shock and honestly can’t remember most of those conversations. I keep asking questions and WS keepings saying I already told you about that. I actually believe him on some of that. I just don’t remember so many of the conversations in the beginning (right after dday) because of the shock.
So last night I had 20 questions I wanted to ask. He was nervous before he arrived. I told him not to come over if he didn’t want to answer some questions. So he knew they were coming. You could tell he was very nervous and ready to explode
I was nice and calm the whole time. Very proud of myself actually. He was the nervous wreck. The more questions I asked, and he answered (what I believe to be truthfully). He got madder and madder. I called him on his anger and said I didn’t deserve it. That I needed answers and he needs to give them to me. He said he was angry with himself and was tiring.
He said some things that really hit home. One made me a little teary eyed (the only time the whole two hours). That’s when he stopped answering questions. As soon as I showed pain he could not answer anymore.
We have our first MC tonight. I think he thinks that is where we should be talking about “this stuff”. But I need and want to discuss it whenever I feel I need answers. I understand that I have to be aware of his pain. But right now my needs have to come first.
So I guess my question is. What does his anger mean… Is it what it feels like and his anger comes from shame within himself? Or is it that he is still hiding and my questions are breaking down his house of lies.

confused615 posted 4/15/2014 11:04 AM

It could come from either..the shame..or because he isn't remorseful.

Time will tell. are need answers..on your timeline..and he needs to give them to you.

It's unfair that he shut down because you cried. You are going to cry. And, as uncomfortable as it may be for him, he must see it..he must see your pain..he needs to know exactly what this has done to you...and he needs to learn how to help you during these times. Shutting down means he is putting his needs before yours...and he's done that more than enough.

Alexisk17 posted 4/15/2014 11:09 AM

In my experience, WH was angry when answering questions about the A. In MC it came out that his anger was because it hurt him to talk about A. He was ashamed of what he had done. He thought that answering my questions would make me more hurt than I already was. He wasn't used to dealing with negative emotions so he would shut down. I'm not offering this as an excuse, just an explanation of what happened for us early on in R.

It slowly got easier though and we found a better way to discuss the A. In the begining though I would save it all up for MC because it was the only place we could discuss it without causing more conflict.

I do believe that your needs should come first and that in an ideal world he would be an open book about all the details you wanted to know. He should be forthcoming and direct when answering your questions but the truth is that I don't think many WS are at first. There are too many awful emotions tied up in the facts.

I hope MC goes well tonight, I remember the first few sessions being so raw.

Morhurt posted 4/15/2014 11:10 AM

I don't have an answer for you but I want to say, it sounds like you're going about this very well. Good job! It is so hard and exhausting and the memory thing? i thought I was getting alzheimer's for a while, I could not remember anything! It's a side effect of high stress, I told my H that I would need to ask the same questions over and over and I would need him to answer every time. Sometimes because I forget (still, and it's been almost a year from DDay#1), sometimes because I need to hear him say it again to process, but whatever the reason, I need him to answer. And he does.

Buuut... it was a process. Getting to the point where he could respond without defensiveness and self pity was definitely a struggle for both of us. It took a lot of work and patience.

I hope MC goes well.

brokeninhalf4034 posted 4/15/2014 12:23 PM

Thanks for the answers. It does feel like he thinks by answering my questions he is just hurting me again. And honestly it does hurt, but having the truth hidden for so long... You just need answers to fill in the holes in your mind. Sometimes the truth hurts more then I imagined. Sometimes the truth is not as bad as what I imagined it to be.

trying1 posted 4/15/2014 12:35 PM

My husband was honest with me (brutally honest sometimes). The whole thing hurt like hell. BUT even when I would get upset and cry, after I had the questions answered (whether it hurt or not) I seemed to be able to calm the obsessing and really examine the answer and make some peace with it. Sometimes they would lead to more questions, sometimes I could finally let whatever was rolling around in my head go.

It helped my husband, and made him a little more willing to answer the questions, to know that even when I was asking the questions and hurting,on the other side of the pain of the answer, there would be some healing for me.

He got frustrated, because my questions would point out how truly disastrous his decisions were, and how selfish the A was.

Good luck with MC - I have found mine is invaluable (and by the way-so does my husband).

((broken)) Hope everything works out the way it should for you.

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