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Mac4 posted 4/15/2014 12:55 PM

One month ago I found out my wife of 11 years was having an affair with her tennis coach. But the story goes back longer than that, about 3 years ago I discovered inappropriate texting between my wife and her tennis coach. We had a huge fight, it was emotional and it was clear that I was distraught. At that time, I made it very clear to my wife that this is what led to affairs. She was upset as well, apologized and we made an effort to be more involved with each other. Obviously, I made a huge mistake by not doing more at this time.

Well apparently months passed and the texting resumed and progressed to more suggestive and sexual texting, and then the relationship became sexual. Ultimately, it lasted for about 3 years. I always had suspicions but never confronted my wife. However, last month, I had a doubt that led me to drive by my wife's tennis coaches house after her morning tennis. I saw her car parked in front of his house and my stomach dropped. I walked in the back door and found them having sex on the couch. I was destroyed.

Everything I have read tells me that the guy always finds the sex part more upsetting than the emotional part, and I feel that is true. But what I am lacking is any valuable insight on how to move forward from this. I am obsessed by thoughts of what I saw and heard. I cannot remember my wife ever moaning like that with me. And now that I know about their sexual relationship I am finding it very hard to move forward. I learned that she did things sexually with him that we had never done. My wife had expressed that she wanted our sex life to be more exciting and I did as well, but it never happened. I had bought toys for us to use, but apparently she used them alone and with him. Ultimately our married sex life has always been infrequent and mundane. Apparently, they sexted extensively and even some evenings when I was home.

I work a demanding schedule, and one reason that my wife gave was that he paid attention to her. The irony that I was footing the bill for the tennis team and lessons is not lost on me. In addition they never went anywhere but his house, and he wasn't even that nice to her. From what I can tell he texted his sexual fantasies and my wife fullfiled them.

Although I am distraught and hurting, I am committed at this time to staying together. My wife appears to be as well. She has had no further contact and left tennis. We love each other and we have small children that we would like to raise as a family. We have started counseling as well.

However, I am finding it very difficult to deal with the sexual aspect. Historically I have always been the partner that wanted more intimacy and more sexual involvement in our relationship. Sexual encounters have always been far and few between. And despite repeated requests on my part, my wife has never been able to communicate what she would enjoy in that department. I took the repeated denials personally and felt that simply she did not want to have sex with me. To discover her sexual affair on top of these feelings has really simply destroyed my ego and confidence. I am overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I tried to talk about it with my wife, and she listened. I asked her about her lover, and how she communicated her desires with him, she replied that "he just knew what to do", which has hurt me even more. How can we recover our intimacy, how can I recover my confidence. Sorry for the long winded post, but I appreciate your input & support.

Breezy150 posted 4/15/2014 14:24 PM

Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join. So sorry that you find yourself here.

Right now is the time to take care of yourself, you are probably still in shock. Make sure you eat, drink, and get sleep.

Someone will be along soon to give better advice than I can, all I can say is that everything takes time and lots of it. Keep posting and the benefit from the combined experience here will help you a lot.

(((Hugs))) so sorry you are going through any of this.

1Faith posted 4/15/2014 14:44 PM

Dear Mac

So sorry you find yourself here. Please know that this is a safe place with good people who care and want to help others.

One month in is really new. It is all very hard to understand, comprehend and reconcile. Logic goes out the window and you are left with the aftermath of their selfish choices.

How can we recover our intimacy, how can I recover my confidence.

Sadly, the response is with TIME. You can't fast track your healing or "get over this"...it takes time.

Your body and mind have been dealt with the biggest betrayal.

Your WW has a history of making poor choices. What/why is she willing to change now? Because she got caught?

Please look up the difference between regret and remorse. There is a huge difference. If she is not showing remorse then it will be next to impossible for you to have any confidence in your WW or your marriage.

Her having the affair had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do in the bedroom, it had nothing to do with you not paying attention to her. It had everything to do with the choices she made. You can own 50% of the marriage but you own 0% of the affair. Her comments about him are insensitive and hurtful. Let her know this.

Is the OM married? If so, his wife deserves to know. Nothing bring them out of their lies to squash any attempt at them taking their affair underground.

Be strong for you. Take one day at a time. Define what YOU need to begin to trust and feel safe with your wife. If she is truly committed to reconciliation then she will do WHATEVER it is that you need at this time.

The journey is long but you can and will make it to the other side, one way or another.

Keep posting and check out the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. A lot of good information for you to consider.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:46 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 4/15/2014 15:21 PM

I'm so sorry for your situation. Your wife needs to dig deep and get IC over this. She needs to learn how to communicate with you, and to understand how deeply she failed by taking the easy way out. Paramount for your ability to heal as a couple is whether she takes 100% blame for her A instead of blameshifting, i.e. playing the 'you work a lot, I was neglected' card.

Didact posted 4/15/2014 15:43 PM

Mac

I am in nearly the identical situation. My IC's purpose is (for me) nearly solely for the purpose of putting that out of my mind.

What I have learned from therapist is that time is the only thing that will heal the images and the betrayal.

It hurts to hear a loved one tell you that they had better sex with AP. I'm not sure when that will go away.

One thing that I did, for better or worse, is to clearly explain to my WW how harmful those facts are to me. I don't want lies about what was better or worse, but I want her to take a share of the responsibility for healing this part.

Again, sorry to hear anyone going through what I am.

tushnurse posted 4/15/2014 16:22 PM

Welcome. Know that you did NOTHING to cause her to do this. That is 110% on her. Her inability to communicate effectively is on her. Her crappy choices, yup on her. Do not allow her to make you feel less than a good man because she did this.

Now How to move forward. It sounds like you want to R, and she is willing to give a R a go. However there are some really serious things that have to happen for that to be successful. You think it's all done and over, and it may be, but if it went on for 3 years, I have serious doubts. She absolutely has to send an NC (no contact) letter to him. She has to recommit to you, and ask him to NEVER contact her again and to respect her choice to heal her M and herself.

You also get to drive this ship of R, and you need to make sure you have 100% transparency. Meaning you have access to each and every electronic device, email, and phone record, you have access and can account for every penny she spends. I would also urge you to look for a burner phone, it's been a month, and that is the go to thing for the Wayward spouse to get the second they tell you they are willing to R.
Typically the wayward spouse doesn't want things to end, afterall they have the best of both worlds, the fun and excitement of her A, the financial stability of you. Don't for a second fool yourself into thinking she is all done, and washed her hands of the whole A. It doesn't happen like that.

I also have a few things I recommend all new BS's do when they start down the road to R. You want to make it work for the kids, great, but be strong and show them what a healthy man is, don't allow her to break you and your relationship. Your kids deserve at least one parent that is strong and healthy. For that reason I urge you to see D attorney, even if you aren't planning on it, you need to know how this can/could play out should she choose not to do the hard work, and you need to make your decisions from a place of knowledge not supposition.
Next make yourself a priority. Focus on keeping your mind and body strong and healthy, if you are having trouble with eating, and getting good sleep call your Dr and let them know what is going on. Many folks here benefited from medications in the early days. There is no shame in it, and without proper nutrition and sleep you can't make good sound decisions for you and your children.
You also need to demand she is tested for STD's and do not have unprotected sex with her until she can prove that she has done this and has a clean bill of health. I'm sorry but a "tennis coach" having an A, sounds like she probably isn't the only one, so you are most likely at risk.

This is a long road to travel, and it may seem like I am trying to shoot down any thoughts of R. On the contrary, I want people to R, especially with families, but I also know that it takes a LOT of HARD work from BOTH spouses to do it successfully.

Keep reading, keep posting, look to the library on your left side of your screen, and read the bullseye posts in the Just found Out forum. These will give you some idea of what you are in for, and what is reasonable and not from your WW.

(((and strength))))

MC_Jack posted 4/15/2014 16:22 PM

The good news is that she may do the hard emotional work to figure out why she needs the sex to be forbidden and outside of a co.mitted relationship to be exciting. Why an absence of true intimacy frees up her inhibitions. Then she can go off on you.

The bad news is that she very well may not do that work and will always be wanting what she should not have, and perhaps having more As.

1985 posted 4/15/2014 17:30 PM

Please go to the Wayward Forum. Currently on page 2 is a thread called "what every WS needs to know".
You need to read it because it will help you, first, in understanding that the emotions you are having now are normal and expected for a BS. It will help you understand that there is nothing wrong with you; you are not being weak or unmanly in your feelings and reactions. Secondly, it will give you some warning of what is yet to come for you emotionally in the healing process. Again, so you will know the progression of emotions you go thru are normal.
More importantly your W needs to read it. Several times. It will help her understand just how deep and broad the devastation is that she has caused. And it will help her understand the emotional process you are and will go thru. Finally, it will help her see and understand what she needs to do to help you heal. Many Waywards really don't get how deep the destruction is and how long it takes to heal. And many don't have a clue about what they need to do to help you heal. Her getting educated upfront now should be helpful to each of you.

kenny55 posted 4/15/2014 18:30 PM

Mac,
Sorry you are here but you are really in a tough place. Most BH want to reconcile at the beginning and then the mind movies come. I once worked witha guy who walked in on his WW and the OM who also worked where we all worked. He was a great guy and wanted to keep the family together but they eventually got divorced. I think you need to get into therapy. You warned your wife about this guy and she still went thru with it.
My WW also talked about the other guy being a better lover. The thing is, he never did ANYTHING for her. No flowers, no movies, no dinners out, but he was SUCH a great guy. Her moaning was just part of the acting. Same thing happnes in porn movies.

Daddo posted 4/15/2014 18:46 PM

NO, No No

You are doing this wrong

You cannot and should not commit to reconciling - right now you are still in that open wound stage where you desperately want back what you lost - and you feel like you love her more then you can imagine. This will not last. As the wound heals, anger, distrust, even hate will creep in.

You need to be strong, calm and distant. She has had a 3 year affair - she is not going to snap out of it in a day or a week or a month. and you are not going to be able to put all the images and pain out of your head just because you want to. Think of yourself as having a specialized form of PSTD.

Read - study the 180 rules in the healing library (BS FAQ). This will give you some good guidelines on how to behave.

You cannot jump back into a loving and intimate relationship with someone who betrayed you. Marriages can be repaired, love can return - but it will take time - and in the meantime, your marriage will suck. There is a huge load of emotional shit between you - and you can't just will that away.

As for the advice that you go to the Wayward forum - I'm not sure that is a good idea. Some of those threads will really hurt. Many of the WSs are in deep pain and desperate to help their BS - others are completely in denial and still living a fantasy. I would stay away while you're wounds are still fresh.

Do not blame your self for the lack of excitement in your sex life or for your demanding work schedule. Do not accept that blame from her.

YOu should not be having sex with her now - you are devistated and broken and you need to heal. How can you trust her or trust her response to your caresses at this time? Your relationship needs to be rebuilt first. Trust needs to be earned - and that takes a long time.

Read the 180 - seriously

[This message edited by Daddo at 6:48 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

OK now posted 4/15/2014 19:19 PM

Right now you are probably classifying yourself as an inadequate lover who doesn't match up to the OM. That is simply NOT true.

Look, I have quite a few female friends who just can't generate sexual love for their spouses because they exist in a day to day grind of jobs, housework, the demands of children and the sheer familiarity of a relationship where they have had sex thousands of times, with the same guy and know his every move, endearment and expression. Its off-putting to some women and when the exciting, muscular tennis Adonis OM comes along with all the newness and freshness that entails, well, these wives go off like a bomb. Doesn't matter if the BH is a latter day Casanova, he's boring and familiar compared with the OM; you just cannot compete.

All it takes is a very selfish, disloyal sneak of a wife who only cares about her own needs and you have the affair. I hope she feels shame; she has betrayed her own family for sexual lust for someone new. But don't you get to thinking that you are inadequate, its her who is a failure as a wife and mother. You have been honorable and loyal; the word faithful isn't in her vocabulary; it gets in the way of her own greed.

Mac4 posted 4/15/2014 20:29 PM

Thanks to each of you for all of the advice, heartfelt comments, and true support. One of the most challening things has been not really having someone to talk to, and not knowing what I was feeling and living was part of the experience of being in this unfortunate "club".

I believe the answer of time is the hardest reality I have to face, because I have already felt lonely and unsupported for the last 3 years. But at the same time I have no desire to rush back into a relationship to be betrayed again.

We have begun couples counseling and she is going to IC. I truely believe she is remorseful and she sent him a NC leter. I will check out the healing library along with "what every WS needs to know" and the 180 rules.

Appreciate all of your thoughts & time

BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I suppose
DD 9
DS 8
DDay 1 - March 3rd, 2014

OK now posted 4/15/2014 22:11 PM

As the guys from SI will tell you, don't be so trusting and don't believe much of what your wife says. Currently you don't know why she is remorseful; it could be for the sake of the children, fear of being alone or financial reasons. If the sex was so fantastic with OM watch her like a hawk; its going to be a huge temptation for your wife to reignite this affair when the smoke has died down. The NC letter means nothing; she could pre-warn the OM to essentially disregard it

Reconciliation will be painful for her as well as you. She will be looking for an escape from this shame, guilt and your misery. The damage to your sex life is huge since you witnessed her adultery. I honestly don't know how you will rebuild.

12yearsloyal posted 4/15/2014 23:48 PM

Sorry you're in the club. It sucks. I'm 37 days in and can say I am now more in the anger phase than shock. I really wanted R in the beginning but now not so much. I wish I had some advice for you but I'm not even sure what I'm doing. I might not last with trying R because we don't have kids so D would not be the worst thing in the world. I wish you peace and strength.

Mac4 posted 4/25/2014 11:10 AM

12yearsloyal and OK Now, thanks for the thoughtful replise, 53 or so days out now, and I'm really feeling a lot more anger and sadness.

I just don't feel I'm getting the support I need from my wife, and I'm really having a hard time communicating what it is I need from her. I agree, I think she would prefer to move on from the guilt and the shame. But I still need her to be remorseful.

R is the goal, but tough seems like a gross understatement

tushnurse posted 4/25/2014 11:50 AM

If she is wanting to move on then you don't have a remorseful spouse, rather a regretful one, that is just going through the motions.

It's hard to know and see the difference in those early days, hell I didn't even know when it was day or night, or up from down.

Remorse is anger free, full of understanding, and offering of anything you want or need to save your M, and you.
You also have to heal yourself. If your angry, use that to find your voice, and speak up. Do not allow her to blame, or get away with things like, will you ever get over it, I need privacy blah de blah.
Tell her your mad, let her know that you deserve more, and don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Waywards are uniquely emotionally stunted, and don't pick up on the nuances of our needs, and often are conflict avoidant, so you have to spell out what you want and need. IT's OK. YOU have the ability to help her help you.

ACTIONS are where it all counts the stuff that comes out of her mouth has little worth, and shouldn't for a long time.

I disagree with Daddo - I think being sexual, and allowing for intimate times is helpful for both the WS and BS if you are both committing to R, and really open some doors to intimacy again. Plus sex is a great release of endorphins and feel good feelings. As a former BS, I certainly could have used more of those in the early days of R.
(((and strength))))

doggiediva posted 4/25/2014 12:48 PM

No one automatically knows what to do to be a good lover..
That term is relative..
For your wife to say what she did to you is insensitive and cruel
It takes good communication to get to know one's partner, their likes and dislikes..Boo on her for not sharing pre A what was bothering her or her needs / preferences, this lack of communication and distance she created is on her shoulders..
The fact that she liked whatever sex her and the AP did was due to the mood created during their encounter/ maybe her own mood at the time...The same way someone who is shopping for curtains or clothes likes something he or she looked at one day but may despise the same article of clothing the next day for whatever reason..

doggiediva posted 4/25/2014 13:01 PM

I totally agree with OK now..I wish I had heard/read everyone's advice on this thread in the immediate wake of my D day..
My WH also claimed that I didn't meet his sexual needs..

Even though my gut was telling me that my WH's excuses were bull shit (he was becoming more deviant in his sexual preferences) I felt inadequate..I wouldn't have spent so much time feeling inadequate, had I found this forum(SI) when I needed it..

Good advice and counselors are hard to find, so listen to your gut as you proceed, and continue to read and post here..
Both Daddo and Tushnurse are spot on regarding intimacy post D day..

When or whether to engage in sex with the WS immediately post D day (if ever) is a personal preference.. Again this situation is a case of following your instincts as to whether sex between you and your WS feels healing to you as an individual / couple...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:14 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

kenny55 posted 4/25/2014 18:03 PM

Mac,
Are you in counceling? I had to go for months after my DD. You walked in on the OM doing your wife. Give yourself some credit. This would have landed some guys in jail or six feet under. You need to go thru the process. You have a right to be angry at this stage. Do you work out? I was a runner and this helped me. Hang in there dude. Come here when you are down.

norabird posted 4/25/2014 18:46 PM

Have you asked her to read a book such as 'how to Heal Your Spouse After an Affair'? It's often recommended here and is apparently quite short. See if she can read that this weekend for you.

She really needs to make you feel safe asking questions about this. especially after the blow your self-esteem has received you need so much comfort from her! If she is not giving it to you, that's a very unpromising sign.

I'm sorry.